No tags, no words…….so many people but yet I have never felt so far alone, so adrift……..just a fool……
Time to take back control, regain my life….and be somebody that you used to know.
I wrote you an e-mail tonight……spent hours thinking over the words and how to say them……but I never sent it….you would never read it…….
I got weak….lame….caught out in the open and now look a fool………
So I am sombody that you used to know……….!
Its been a while since I last came here, to be honest I have been trying to work through a lot of things in real-time, and it always seems to be raining, the rain is never-ending it soaks me to the core and drowns my very soul.
It’s the dead of night, the world sleeps and yet still the rain falls.
I have this on repeat at the moment, there is something hauntingly bitter-sweet about this track.
So much has happened and yet so little, I guess it’s the complications of time……..time always the enemy at out doors……and still the rain falls.
I have been searching for the sunlight, a respite from the endless rains that blight my soul, prey deep upon my mind.
It’s strange how you can go through your whole life believing in something only to find at the end it was nothing more than a shadow, as we try to find ourselves and our way in life, we can end up further away than when we started, in my own way I am becoming somebody that I used to know.
A few weeks back I gave up drinking, I wouldn’t say that I was an alcoholic, far from it yet I was drinking more and more and the prospect of a night with out drink wasnt something that I relished, the drink made life more tolerable for a while, cleared my head and for a time each night would let me breath, but its grip was getting stronger and I found myself drinking to get drunk, not a good place to be in.
Looking back now, I am kind of wondering how I functioned, getting home late at night, drinking till the early hours and getting up early slipping back in to the real world, the only time I wasnt drinking was when I was working, 4 nights a week, though I must admit there has been one or two mornings where I have come in from work and sat drinking.
So the drink has gone, I have had a couple or lapses in my progress, the odd night here and there where I have drunk, but nowhere near as much as I was doing.
It’s strange how I seem to see the sun through drunken eyes and only the rain through sober veins……..somebody that I used to know…..and I don’t even need your love……..
Love, relationships, people and life big thoughts on my mind at the minute…..as I stop cold in the icy rain and think……think about what I want, where I am going, what I am doing……..!
Two years have passed since I first returned back to the town of my birth, the place of my childhood, the street names may have changed……but the shadows of yesterday still linger on, out of sight, yet never out of mind……I am somebody that I used to know.
The physical may have changed, but I seem to be no further on from when I first came here……..I am lost in my own skin, my own thoughts….yet I am starting to wonder if these thoughts are really my thoughts…..is this the way its going to be forever.
I look around so many broken dreams, so many broken promises, in a world of illusion it seems that everything is but an unobtainable dream……and sometimes I just want to scream.
I don’t know how to live in this world, I never gained the necessary parental training, never really learnt the rules…..sometimes I just think I can’t do it….and I avoid it.
I wonder now if I will ever stand here before you and know that I am me………..and not somebody that I used to know.
I am seeing things differently now, I am not sure if I have always seen things this way and just bent my thoughts to correct the error, or if the way I am seeing things is a reaction to the sting of yesterday……..its like a never-ending maze, may be I am just afraid to accept what I already know, or may be the fact that I can’t accept it indicates that it’s not actually what I am.
Just somebody that I used to know.
Been away, sorting some things……avoiding the drink, I have been drinking too much it was clouding my thoughts…..the very things I thought I could avoid, were the things the drink brought up………Been a rather difficult week, more to follow….for now a tune I have not heard in a while……
This is really hard to write, I don’t talk much about my feelings as such, just brush over what is going on inside my mind…….
I have stupidly been spending a lot of time with the Ex of late, too much time in fact, despite everything I just can’t flush that girl out of my system, I know I should, but I can’t.
She has been struggling a little of late, depressed and down, she also found a lump in a dangerous personal place, which she was refusing to deal with.
We have been to the Dr’s after much arguing and pressure, it turned out to be nothing and she has happy pills.
I can’t be what she wants, I know that now, but I can’t let it go and besides I always said I couldn’t walk away from the kids.
I bent the rules to make it work, stood aside my feelings and stand by as a friend, it’s not easy and I thought I had it under wraps, under control.
We went to the coast today, her sister’s birthday. Her parents, her sister and the twins, the younger one stayed with the other sister.
Things were good, I drove and not once did she moan at my driving, I stayed the previous night, as she was out and I stayed with the kids, we had a good night and she was home early, we talked, watched TV and slept.
Woken early by her crazy neighbour, she came down to me, made a drink and we kind of talked a little more.
The drive was easy, and we found easy parking, she was feeling a little unwell and the motorways were clear, I found it hard to keep the speed down but did so, to make the ride more comfortable.
All was well, untill later in the afternoon, we were playing the 2p arcade machines, I had gone out for a smoke and to catch up on some text messages and phone calls, when of all people and of all places walks by “The Dealer” the guy she played me for a fool with.
I saw him, he me……trapped like a rabbit in headlights he had no option but to walk past me, all the time I could feel my anger growing I wanted to knock him to the ground…..instead odd for me I simply stood in his path and made him walk around me….the fact I let him walk a good sign, I just hoped she didn’t see him.
There are segments in my life, things I do, people I know…..that I keep away from the everyday…..people know as they know me…..but I keep the innocents out and don’t go knocking on your door unless you run with us.
Fate would twist the knife and she saw him pass……and I saw the look in her eyes…..and the hurt……..I dont know it tore me apart……I had to watch the one girl I love hurt by some no mark, I had to stand and see that no matter what I do…..I cant ever be in her eyes…….and yet know that no matter what I could never hurt her like that, I could never bear to see that pain in her eyes……..that I would never ever do that to her…..never treat her how he did……never let her or her children down….and wonder why she doesnt see that………but I guess that’s life.
It hurt seeing her hurt……I dont want to see her hurt…….I hate that.
Keeping it together was hard…….really hard I felt this mad burning desire just to start smashing the place up and believe me when I say it’s not so long back that I would have done that……with no regard or thought…..then run after him……instead I listened to her talk, say she wanted to go her day was ruined……smile….and act strong.
I slipped out for another smoke, gathered my thoughts cooled off and came back…..she none the wiser……smiled in the right places and shut out the pain, shut out the thoughts…….checked out some fit girl with a rather visible thong and told myself……its like the old days I could bed the girl with the thong if I wanted………but if I am honest…..I couldnt cos she is not her……..I hate the way I love her…….I hate the way I jump through hoops…..I move move the stars for no one…..yet her………Grhhhhhhhh.
We played on the beach threw sand…had some fun…..drove back……..ate in a pub again noticeably I checked out a couple of blondes….slipped out for a smoke and got a number that I will never call……..returning to her house put the kids to bed, got her a drink and settled in her bed…..locked the front door, popped the keys through and left wishing her good night.
I come home, alone…..sat in my room…….my house empty……drinking beer on my bed and wishing this would stop hurting, wishing I could rewrite her feelings…….but I cant……once more I fail……and I fail now as her friend……..
I never failed at anything before……..
Just realised its tomorrow……and that makes it my birthday…….have my boys coming over and the family in the afternoon….I just don’t feel like seeing anyone……but will smile….go through the motions and wish I was spending the day with her instead……when did I get so lame……..!
It will never be good enough, no matter how hard I try!
I guess there comes a time when you simply have to admit defeat and walk away.
It’s been a long few days with uneasy sleep totalling about 6 hours, mixed thoughts and emotion.
My granddads funeral next Monday going to be a tough day.
Half way through my 3rd night one more to go then off for a few days.
The weekend is panning out to be rather busy once more, Saturday I am out for the day and Sunday is my birthday so again I will be out, if I actually get around to organising things, right now all I can think about is getting through the night and sleep.
Sleep again today was uneasy, broken promises of things to come, that never quite materialise.
I have a lot of thinking to do, I just don’t seem to be able to find the head space or time to do it, the days like the weeks pass in a blur and I seem lost in the madness.
Right now I could do with a pause button, a small halt on life while I sort out my thoughts and figure the best way forwards…….I always seem to set out with good intentions just never quite make it. I guess it’s easier to carry on than it is to make changes, to forge a different way.
I seem to be so many things to so many people, that somehow I seem to be nothing to me.
Walking through the streets, I see so much the old generation of respect, replaced by this new generation of survival, dog eat dog. The old guys are restless, uneasy as these new boys snap at their ankles, trying to take a piece of something that’s taken years to grow. Even the language on the streets has changed become more common, everyone trying to prove something, but in turn proving nothing.
Our generation paused and thought things through, we looked after and controlled our own, we have rules and respect, we cover each other.
Yet these guys fight with each other, draw blood with no cause and settle scores for no purpose…….there is no right way, there is no code, just each to their own.
How can I look at something one way today and see something completely different tomorrow? How can it change with in me?
Yesterday it was easy, I knew the way, now its all changed……..or is it still the same? May be it’s always been this way?
What is it with you that binds me still?
Second night at work almost over and I am so ready for 9am and some sleep. The best thing about my job is that at 9am on a monday morning when the rest of the world is groaning and rolling into work, I am signing out for the day and going home to bed.
Sleep yesterday was rather uncomfortable, it wasnt that I didn’t sleep as such, but it was more the kind of sleep I had, that kind of broken light sleep, where you are not deep enough to feel sleep, but not awake enough to be fully alert, so the sounds from the real world penetrate through, you here the doors opening and closing, the neighbours car starting and pulling out the drive way, the postman rattling the letter box, real world sounds that become mixed in the filter of reality though you hear them and know them, in that place between sleep and consciousness they somehow become lost and distorted, out-of-place and wrong.
I kept waking up, I recall waking at 12:45 thinking it was much later and I needed to be up, I was relieved when I looked at the clock to find it was only 12:45 and I could sleep some more, I guess sleeping in the day plays weird tricks on your body and your mind.
I finally gave in and got up at 3pm, shower, smoke then out till it was time to leave for work.
I am still battling with this thing in my mind at the minute, I just can’t seem to find anyway to place it, anyway around it like a cancer its eating away at my thoughts draining my mental resources, I am kind of worried that if I give in I may like it, but then could end up loosing something else and I just don’t know what to think.
I am hoping the time now passes quickly till 9am so I can leave uneventful, not have to speak to anyone and get home and sleep, I really don’t feel like talking to anyone at the minute…..I guess I could get drunk then I wouldn’t have to think for a while, plus I would sleep!
Second night almost done, 2 more to go 9am Wednesday morning can not come soon enough!
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