The waiting game……..!

On-line assessment, interview, full day assessment, day on the job, all done, now its the waiting game, waiting to know if the job is mine. I think I will be offered a position however I am concerned that I may be counting my chickens before they hatch, I really don’t know.

After my day of visits, doing the job as such, or observing and seeing first hand, I know now this is defiantly the right move for me, I know the task will be hard, not a nine to five, but a real challenge, I also know that I can do this and do this and do this well, and for me at this point in time it is the right move at the right time.

My “future” boss met up with me after my day out, we talked he asked questions, poked and prodded and said he was happy with the outcome, and that there are two positions on his team coming available in the next few weeks, covering an area that location wise suits me well.  All looks very good, though the waiting game is painful. I want to know now! I want an offer now, I want it signed sealed and delivered then I can sit back and relax, breath a little bit! I don’t want to be too positive and believe this could really be happening until I know for sure, 100% full on offer, then I can count my chickens and be confident in so doing! I have never been so close and yet still so far away!

The weekend now looms, had a call from there office asking me to forward my CV ASAP, which I have done, though after all the assessments, interviews and hoops I have had to jump through quite what more they can get from that I am not sure!

The sun now looms after a day of heavy rain, my brain is spinning, I really want an offer on the table today, I hope that all is well and now enough has been done, I am racking my brain, wondering if something else will slip in and spin me of course send me back out in to the storm, where already water logged this time I am sure I will drown! Would they really have pushed me this far if I there was no hope, did I say or do something yesterday that leaves me once more out in the cold.

I know if this all comes through, this will be the best move I have made and hard work, determination will drive me forwards and advance me onwards, I forgot until yesterday what it is like to be busy! to be back out there call after call, a million and one things to do, never enough hours in a day! Some time ago, I thought I would happily give that all up, now I crave for it, long for it need it to feed my brain and fuel my very being!

The long waiting game…..on and on and time is running out fast!

Yesterdays Assessment

Just to start with a thanks for all your kind words, support and thoughts, to be able on here to vent my thoughts and know in some round about way that I am not insane, helps much.

My assessment yesterday was grueling, and when I say grueling this I mean with sincerity. 9AM Interview 3, my life history torn apart, 10 am Business which I stomped right through, supposed to be 1 hour half way through they stopped me, I had said enough and proved myself!

Quick smoke with time on my hands, interview 2! With the regional director, again stomp right on through, finished early as my interviewer pointed out that it would just be an insult to me to ask more questions everything he needs has already been said by practical examples of what I have done.

Lunch…… then Numeracy, what a night mare, 30 minutes and 35 questions, stupid charts on banana’s and inflation, cars verse space and people, towards the end I got fed up and just marked of answers, with time on my hands I went back and revised.

Then Group exercises, 7 people trapped in a cave time is slipping you can only save one at a time, what order do you rank them in and why, then the team had to agree. Everyone bullying to impress the interviewer’s, my contribution what is our criteria to choose, then reason and justify by? as every one was determined to win, have there list as the one chosen, once criteria was established we moved forward with ease and decided well in time.

9 am to 5pm a long day of pressure, room to room, person to person, balance caught here and there and I had developed a stinking cold, my nose was running my chest heavy and the most annoying cough, really not a great state to be in.

I came out thinking I had done all I could, I threw what I had in, elaborated a little here and there and used my knowledge and experience to answer questions, though I know my confidence was lacking a little especially at first meet, worn out by the day, and overwhelmed by the caliber of candidates in the room, nine others, some in work some not all high ranking positions all making there way in this world and then me, surely I was fooling myself.

We departed to be told, we would hear one way or the other by Wednesday next week.

20 mins ago I got a call…………………! The position I applied for had been filled by one of the other candidates, however one of the regional managers was impressed with my knowledge and may have a position for me soon, he called the person who would have been my boss last night to ask if he planned on offering me the position and if not would he mind if he approached me! So next week we meet for a coffee and do a joint site visit, on the ground training to see where I fit. I need to improve my confidence levels, but this draws back to my last blog post and echos from my childhood.

I am still no further forwards but have some progress now not really sure where things go from here, but as a back up I am applying for another two positions lower grade, but I need the income and fast!!!

Change in words unknown

Can I cast this shadow off and walk away? Can I turn around the things that fail and make them right? Can I justify me, when I don’t know who I am?

Day by day I am finding it harder to hold on, my mind has become messy and so to has the world around me, I am finding myself avoiding reality, avoiding people and filling this void with more and more worry, more and more despair, I am lost in the jungle that is me.

I don’t know exactly how I got here, or where in fact here is, I am questioning myself, my very being, sometimes I am angry at the world, at my life, at all the unfairness, I have to battle through every day, and at simply not knowing who or what I am. I have always been a shadow, a passing ghost of what could have been, from that unhappy child who tried in vain to be more than the nothing its life gave to it, more than the empty space that occupied that house where parents dwelt and fights broke out, more than the black eye or broken bone, but when you don’t feel that you belong, when you don’t feel you have the right to breath, that you are stealing precious moments from another world.

Often through life I have felt like a passenger on a bus, simply looking through the shadows at a world that passes by, this is not my ride and my destination is unknown, still on and on I sit and stare, wanting to feel the Sunshine, wanting to step of that bus and get into living. Day by day I tell myself in my own secret world of me, that one day soon, but day by day passes and that bus ride carries on and on.

If my life were a novel, it would simply be random words on a sheet, mixed up, confused, with no rhythm, rhyme or reason, just words that lack definition, a random mess of nothing. For a story to take shape it needs definition, it needs direction, clarity of thought, it needs an author from the start, someone who fosters and feeds the idea’s allowing them to grow with freedom and guidance, so the story unfolds and the words take shape and the novel is written.

I don’t know if I am afraid of who I am, or even if I know who I am, for years I hung on to the things I could do, the lessons from the darkness that was my childhood, I could fight, cause pain. To escape the nightmare of home life, I would slid inside myself and create my own world, where the violence ended and the tears were not shed, where the house was nice and the children played and love prevailed. I would prey to a God who never answered, or if he did I never really understood, and I would wonder why all this has to happen to me.

I don’t carry with me many happy memories, and normally behind me I leave a mess as I step from one character to another, always seeking definition, always seeking something, though through the years the vines have become tangled and the jungle over grown and I have lost what I set out to seek.

I have moved from place to place, built an empire and watched it all fall down, for you can not build a house with out foundations, you can not build a life upon the sand, and on and on the circle spins, the pattern repeats as the years drift on. I have tried to give the jumble of words upon the page meaning and character, not so much by themselves but by giving them what I see that others have, I have made characters of myself, but never really found myself, like water I simply fill the vessel in which I sit.

I seem to be plagued by never ending bad luck, its always one thing or another, and when I think the pieces fall into place the jigsaw changes and I see that I am left once more with a pile of pieces upon the floor. When I look into the mirror, what do I see, someone else staring back at me, yet even I do not know where, or who, or what I am.

Still traveling upon that bus, looking out the window as the world passes me by.

I need to take some control, but I don’t know how, I need to reshape me as me, and live for me, yet I have spent all my life trying to run from the broken, unloved, bruised and batted child that sought just the smallest piece of love, just something to hold on to. Through the years of running of hiding from the reality of it all, the mess has got bigger and I find that I amount to exactly what my “parents” said a nothing, a shadow that lives in dreams.

I can not shape the words, I can not find the way, I can not write the novel and alow my own story to grow, for I never learnt the tools, I was never shown the way.

Things have to change of this I am sure, but how I do not know, the direction I do not know, I can not see myself a whole and I can not understand me, instead I fiddle with the pieces, string empty words on empty space and try to find a way, I know the words will make no sense until I find the rhythm of the story, and can bring the shadow forth to live and breath, yet still I feel I have no right to this.

The worst interview of my life……

Never before I have prepared for something so much, only to find myself so unprepared. Never before have I had so many things to say, but seemed unable to say them, words for so long my friends, when I needed them most they slipped away from me.

The interview was hard, to start I found that my SAT NAV was unable to locate the destination, nor could the RAC or AA route planner, I later found this was a new build. Worries about my car letting me down, and the fact that should it so choose, I had no means of getting it repaired, I simply can not afford to, not knwoing where I was going and general lack of sleep the previous evening, I was not in the best frame of mind for this interview.

The interview it’s self was open, the first question was tell me about you……. My brain went dead and words slipped away of to some other destination, a vaction prehapes……! I found myself waffeling an awful lot and found that I was going in no real direction, I could feel through out my chance of this job was slipping away with every passing second, and that I was fooling myself coming here, trying to do this.

I left that interview and drove back here, my tempory home upset and disappointed, feeling that I could have acheived so much more and watching my chances of survival draining away before my eyes. I wanted to drive hard and fast towards the on coming traffic, questioning the pointlessness of my life, and the fact things were just over. Trapped in a corner with no way out.

I could hardly stay with thought that evening, words once light now black filled my mind and once more I found my thoughts drifting to where sleep rests eternal, thinking how I could escape this mess.

Friday morning the promised feed back call came, I braced myself once more for the news, thanks but no thanks, only to be informed that my application has now progressed to the next stage, a full day assesement……! Somewhere in the muddle of that interview I must have said the right things, and now I make my way accross to the next stage.

A full day of assesment, having checked my e-mail this morning I am to attened on Thursday morning at 9:00am and stay until 5pm, a long day and I am hoping now I have the necassary knowledge and ability to sustain myself and move towards the final stage.

Time is still ticking and I may be able to survive the remainder of this month but only just…..! I need to be back out and working again, and I so much want this job and the oppertunity to be able to make a real differance out there on the streets.

Hours away………….

Hours away from my interview, nervous have the better of me and sleep was evasive, the night full of haunting dreams, where the world spun and nothing was as it should be.

I dreamt I was someone else, may be that is who I am…..I simply do not know.

Time ticks onwards my interview looms, so much paces through my mind…………………….

I hope this goes well………..

Thoughts and fears……..

Time is moving ever closer to that fateful hour where in the balance hangs my dreams and the start of tomorrow and tomorrow ever after. To say that I am worried now is an understatement, the rain pours down with no stay of execution and the winds now gather pace, and tomorrow gives me chance of lands long since lost, a respite from the storm and the chance of a future.

Thoughts race through my mind, dreams of impossible questions, self doubt and what if, mixed like a fine wine with the slightest trace of hope, may be, just may be I can do this and in so doing navigate this storm and land once more upon the shores of earth and breath sweet summer sun.

I keep thinking now of questions they will ask, embellishments upon my CV, how best to sell myself and win the prize, a job a means to stem the tide. It all just seems to perfect, all seems to fit, a change in direction, a job, a means and way forward at a point where I need it most. This opportunity can turn the whole of my world around, yet what stands between me and it, is the vast unknown, the unknown entities that also compete for this position, the unknown people that will ask the questions to get the answers to make the choice, I have made it this far, but worry the race is now over and the finish line is out of sight.

I want to write tomorrow on this page with positivity and hope, set new blooms in the garden bed of life and be able to finally see my way forwards, I am afraid that after tomorrow all hope will be gone, this chance stolen, lost eternal and all consuming darkness will flow in once more, and I am not sure that this time I will have the strength to hold on.

I have never seen the world so harsh and cold, and the lack of work out there. I have sent of hundreds of applications in an aim to get a job and this is the only one that has returned even interview stage, the strangest part of all this is probably the most ideal position for me….I prey and hold my breath, I worry and I fear, and I hope will all my mind and soul that I do not return here tomorrow with all hope gone for I simply do not know what I will do…………..

Some news to chase a dream……

Time is slipping fast and hard, still stressed and worried and finding solace in the bottom of a glass, at least it stems the tide of thought a while and lets me sleep, to awake one more day to the nightmare that has become my world.

Last Friday afternoon, after countless checking on my phone, I missed a call, the voice mail left was to organise an interview for the most perfect job. Everything about it slips well, a position I want and am sure I can excel with in, its an area that I have a passion for and knowledge on many levels of. The more I think of this position the more I want it, desperately, present situation aside, this would be my dream job, and should I prove successful a pivotal point in my life.

The interview now falls on Thursday and day by day I am worrying more about how strong I can come across and how much I want and need this break, how much I want this job. I have sourced and secured the company’s operating manuals, to gain more in-depth view on there stance, I am reading up through old notes and text’s to refresh my mind, and scouring the Internet to ensure I am up to date. This job gives me not only the opportunity to improve myself but also make a difference to a section that means a lot to me, out there on the streets, I can help build and change a pathway that will have an impact.

Doubts flow through my mind, I know I will not be the strongest candidate in the offering, I need to ensure that I come across in the interview much stronger, that I give rise to all the possibility’s, I can not express just how much I want this, though I fear failure as opportunities like this do not fall at the doors of people like me.

I am holding on now until the time comes on Thursday, I am screaming out with all my mind and soul that this position will fall to me, and that things will change and once more the sun will come to shine.

The storm still rages on…..

Another few days passes, still no news, on-line application shows under line review, I have no idea what this means, are they still considering me or have they simply rejected my application? Is it me? whats wrong with me? Holding on for hope that now seems more and more in-vain.

I don’t know what to do, the little money that I hold leaks fast and thick and things are becoming much more worse, and what do I do? How do I solve the problem? how do I escape this mess? The answer is simple, I cant. Caught up now in the fisherman’s net the more I struggle to break free the more tangled I become, the more trapped and twisted, until the thrashing stops and exhaustion sets in, the inevitable acceptance of the final destination.

I am going mad, I am stressed to the hilt with no outlet, no vent, no way out, every single angle seems blocked, what the hell am I supposed to do? I find myself calling to an empty room for help, a voiceless presence that seems not there, and no answer do I find.

I am fighting the darker thoughts that plague my mind, fighting the blackness held with in and still on and on it tries to breakdown the doors, batter down the hatches and slip back in….and o it would be so easy, so so easy to slip away, begone, no more this worry, no more the wolf upon my door, just sleep eternal sleep.

The Storm now full engulfed and I see now way through, it grips and wave after wave comes crashing down, the ship begins to leak boards begin to break and I am left with nothing but a dream of waters calm and a summer sun so long since forgotten.

Still no news…..!

The weekend bears down upon us once again, with crashing weight it comes down hard and still I have no news, no call, no letter, nothing at this point even a rejection notice would be better than the not knowing! My mind is chasing dreams, I keep telling myself something will come up, but who is the fool when one tries to fool oneself?

Rain pours now, the sun is gone, outside now matches in. My thoughts are random anything to put stay to the darkest thoughts that run through my mind and steal my soul, trying to keep myself occupied, my mind busy, in a world that becomes more and more crazy every day.

I am really not sure if I am loosing my mind, I found myself talking to myself, and then there is the burning need to fight, the scales have tipped so unfairly and I want to even the score, but then will the pain caused equal the pain induced? will the scales really right themselves? Round and round and round we go, where it ends who will know?

There are cracks in the fabric of reality and death oozes in, like blood, blood red, what was once white is now so stained, is covered over with the thickest cast of red, and all becomes one as it oozes forth into that darkened ever filling river, the river of blood, and death himself sails with pirate flags waved high, and casts his net out far, fishing for souls, the souls of the dammed and the lost, the hurt and the broken.

There is no tomorrow, there is no happy ever after, there is only the mundane, the blood red stench of death, the rat trapped in the eternal wheel, and those that fill themselves with the food of the hungry, steal the money from the hands of the poor, that pride themselves on growing ever fatter, the people that take the words so given forth and twist and turn them, that take the sweet music of life, and mess with the melody so the tune becomes lost and the people turn mad, running now head long into a wall, over and over and over again, whilst the world turns, and night follows day and the sounds are all wrong and the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, when is someone going to wake up and see the insanity of it all? the waste, the loss? How many more twisted haunted souls will be scooped up in deaths long nets as he sails down the rivers of blood?

I want to break free, smash this box I am in, break down the walls and see…..taste, and smell the freedom, the circling mendip rim, the emptiness of how it once was and how it will eventually return, when the fighting stops and the streets are gone, when the words are free once more to be words, and the melody returns, the notes prized forth from the hands of the thick and the greedy, who will hang on till the very end, hold on to it all with vast engulfing hands of greediness that fail to see the nothingness of what they hold, the pointlessness of all.

I can not figure out the difference between the sanity that is and the insanity of it all.

The shadows of yesterday and one long lawn!

I recall someone once saying “a watched kettle never boils”, I am wondering if this is the same for a phone. I am desperately waiting to hear regarding three job applications I have on the go. All three applications are for the same type of role, just different companies, all of which are the direction I want to move in.

The closing date was Wednesday and so far having checked my e-mails several times, I have not received a rejection notification so am desperately holding on to a thread that may be my luck will now change and at least I may get an interview. No matter how many times I check my phone, it still has not rung. These three applications out of all I have applied for are the positions I desperately want.

I still cant shake this blackness, this feeling of wanting to just slip out of life, I guess I am tiered of trying and getting nowhere. The whole thing started some months ago when the world I lived in went completely out of shape, and everything I had built and become just slipped away, while no one cared. It was just a fleeting shadow on my mind, a blip on the horizon, but over the pending days, weeks and months, its grown, it now occupies 90% of my waking thoughts, I am finding myself more and more looking at ways to escape. Whilst driving the other day a sudden urge to place my foot hard down and head straight on despite it all over took me, it was only the pending thought that other innocent people would be hurt, that stemmed that throw.

Its a strange feeling, like standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down, the whole place seems to reach out and draw you in, calling for you to slip down upon the rocks beneath, I have often wondered if this is where death rests, as it seems standing on that cliff edge looking down, his presence is all around.

Russian roulette is not the same with out a gun….I am not sure of the song but that line reaches for me, chases out my mind, I am looking through the eyes of another at a world that has changed, round every corner lies death, the waters beckon, the ripples on the surface call my name, it tiny lapping movements that scream into the very heart and core of all my mind. The world has become a dangerous place.

The funny part is, all these years of acting, all these years of pretending to be a normal, a whole, have played well and when I sit and talk with those around they sense none of the thoughts that pulse through my mind, they do not know the glass of juice they place inside my hand has now become another means for death to come. Death is leaking through my world, dripping blood upon the streets where in I walk, filling foul my mind so much so that vision in its self is polluted with the very stench of sweet deaths breath.

To escape a while yesterday, I gave my self a task, unpaid unfortunatly, to tackle a lawn so over grown and tangled that it mirrored now the insides of my mind. Armed only with a petrol mower, time and thoughts I began to cut and stew the grass like life itself, below I place a picture, this is not the grass I cut but shows the length there in:-

The length there in

As I worked away, I lost myself with in the vines of natures arms and wondered how nice it would be to simply slip out of this madness we call life and return to the pastures of old, to the land of simpleness, where nature provides and people don’t starve. All day I immersed myself with in this impossible task, the grass was too long and hostile for the mower, the earth was to uneven, and hostile to me, pushing a  mower up a hill, to reach the top and return down once more, getting no where.

Perhaps it wasn’t the difficulty of the doing that I found of interest, but the difficulty for the doer. Lost out there in a world where time though on it ticked, seemed forgotten pointless. I felt a million miles away from all, in all the pain, in all the struggling somehow I found some small glimmer of happiness, that one silent moment where like the grass that spun from the blades beneath, so to did my problems slip away. The birds sang the sun burnt down and life for just a short while stopped and breathed with in me, death had slipped away.

Several hours later I gazed on in awe at the fruits of my labour…

Not the lawn I cut, but the end result

Today I suffer much, my back and arms ache so much that movement is hard, I pushed harder yesterday than ever I do at the gym. As today sets in and the lawn only yesterday I cut begins slowly to grow, thoughts of sleep eternal sleep return….and the phone….the phone it does not ring.

So off now I pace to check my e-mail for that ultimate rejection, avoiding now the voice of death that dwells deep with in my mind.