Negativity and Thought

Its been an odd few weeks a lot of things have plagued my mind and I guess I have kind of being holding on to too much.

This darkness that grips my mind wont leave, no matter where I am or what I am doing its there and nothing seems to fit.

I have found myself becoming more and more reclusive, with my work pattern its easy to just disappear.

I have taken to closing the blinds on my bedroom during the days, even when I am not at work, simply so people coming think that I have been working that night and am thus sleeping through the day, they don’t knock or bother to call.

I find myself actively avoiding people and places, things I could do today, put off for a tomorrow that never comes.

The down side of learning this Love thing, is also to learning not to love!

Long ago, I used to like the Pubs, no matter what I felt, no matter what ran through my mind, as soon as I came down stairs stood on my bar, the world was perfect, a smile a laugh and a pint, all one big act.

I have grown through the act, broken through the skin, started to become real, put down roots.

I am no longer the wandering stranger, with the changing face, ever a reflection of what you want to see.

I AM ME

But just who in the hell am I? A void?

Its empty in my mind, I have squeezed out the things that were wrong, I quit the running and tried to build a better world.

Once so busy running here there and everywhere, now empty and lost.

You see me now, cutting the lawns on a Sunday afternoon, washing the car.

Going through the motions but still it feels like the gears are stuck, may be its years of wandering lost, may be its just my own fucked up head, may be its just me and that’s the way it is.

If I had known that night at the road side this was my last moment with the kids, I would have treasured it held on to it, made it a special moment, a perfect moment, forever frozen in time.

Yet it wasn’t a perfect moment, not even a special moment, nothing memorable, just a cold dark night, where someone I once saw as a friend, became somebody that I used to know and the kids departed my life.

That’s the point inadvertently brooding on this stuff, inadvertently checking my phone, in the vain hope that someday you may explain it all.

Then I get angry, even now that anyone could be that cold, but I am more angry at me for being so stupid, the one time in my life I tried to get it right, you made it all so wrong.

UNFAIR

Again I let the bacteria of negativity slip slyly inside my mind, and its been breeding, growing, festering, fuelling the darkness, stoking the fire and I don’t know how to get it out, to purge it from my body and my mind once and for all.

The old days I would have hurt someone, I can’t be like that.

But how the hell do I get this disease out, and now I understand why there are so many lost and broken people out there, consumed with bitterness and anger.

I don’t want to be like that.

UNFAIR, YOUR HAPPINESS MY NEVER ENDING WAVES OF MISERY.

That’s life, Unfair, have to let this go, there will be no answers, no happy ever after, may be it’s what I deserve, may be its me.

I am not who I was, but I don’t know who I am, in untangling me, I have become more tangled.

This “HOLDING” on must end, this brooding, this bitterness, the negativity of my mind is breeding negativity in everything else, my life, my work, my environment, in the games I play, in the food I don’t eat, in the friends I quit.

How do I get it out?

Blood to blood

My friend, my long time blood….on these streets we grew! Yet I never saw.
Black blood runs through my veins and you are there.
Tears fall from my eye, and you are there, you were always there….darkness comes and then so do you….dragging me from me…..my long time friend you here me before I speak….know my thoughts before I do….drag me to light despite it all….blood to blood….black to black….you always believed in me unworthy as I am to hold such a friend!
Your arms feel so warm your light so bright …..for a night I am free just holding you my friend

This is who we are

Tick tick tick…….I thought it was ok……I thought I could do this…..but I can’t ……my blood is black…..my eyes are dark and I can’t let you walk.

I tried and I tried but you just stole from me, not even like you didn’t know what you were doing!

No where to run no place to hide…..I am more evil, then the dark side off you….and I am coming day by day….fuck being nice…..fuck normal…..I am who I am!

Come the morning light

I really need to get more active on here, though truth be known I often come and write, but lose my words in waves of thought and once more the screen lays empty and my words lost, washed away by tides of time for ever gone.

I wrote some posts on change then must have forgotten to save them.

The last couple of days have not been easy days and I am starting to wonder if flushing the happy pills so drastically and against advice was such a good idea.

Waves of darkness have flooded my mind, the whole world is a blur and I feel like I am spinning further and faster out of control.

There was no trigger really for the darkness that descends my mind, it’s just come and refuses to leave.

Trying to stay positive, focused is hard in a world full of negatives and I struggle to breath.

Finished work at 9am yesterday morning, the whole world seemed to be against me, everything was a struggle, I came home found beer and drank, not done that in a while.

Browsing through the TV guide on my sky, searching for something to keep my thoughts happy, (when blackness comes, my thoughts become restless, unhappy and destructive) I stumbled upon the Jeremy Kyle show.

Broken people, leading broken lives, throw it all out on a stage. Girl comes, boyfriend cheats, will always cheat, lie detector results prove he has cheated again, he denies, she faine’s sadness but forgives him, because she “Loves” him….and on and on it goes…..empty promises never again……six months later it all starts again…..on and on, round and round trapped in this void.

This “Love” thing is strange, it’s not love but broken dreams, searching for an ideal that will never be a reality.

There was a pure love, simple and unconditional…..it was always there…….in the beauty of its simplicity……but eyes that never saw, found a dream that will never be….and so the cycle begins once more……not love, my friend…..but broken dreams.

Searching now for something more, the hunger inside me burns….nothing is as it was…..nor as it will be…..simple and pure…..how it should be.

This makes no sense…….yet every sense……

This is a song to say goodbye.

Change …..Part one!

Change in any form is never easy to accept, often we try to hold on, try to fight or resist, happy and content in the same old routine, why does it have to change?

Sometimes we do tell ourselves that we will change, at the beginning of a new relationship a prime example, this time I am going to get it right, this time I won’t do this, I won’t do that, and it lasts a few weeks, may be months, but sooner or later when the excitement has ceased, normality has set in we slip back to the same old routine, doing the things we once did, resisting change.

As hard as change is to accept sometimes we have no choice, left only to play with the hand fate dealt.

My life over the last 5 years has seen some massive change, some good, some not so good, but I am a million miles away from where I was 5 years ago.

It was the twins birthday a couple of weeks ago, as I mentioned in a previous post, this posed a moral dilemma, a crisis of thought. I didn’t want to leave the occasion unmarked, slip away to being just another face in there life’s that came and went, yet at the same time I had to be sure that in marking the occasion, I wasn’t doing it to somehow poke at “S”.

This may sound rather trivial, years back wouldn’t have even crossed my mind, yet now this stuff kind of matters and getting it right was important.

I had bought cards weeks back, they sat idly on the kitchen unit while I debated with myself what was important, what was right and if indeed I was doing this for the kids or to poke at her.

In the end I realised it was the kids that mattered, always mattered, just the thought of not seeing them on their birthdays, no longer being a part of that, never again being a part of that, emotionally hurt and so I guess I figured the right thing the right way.

I put it off for days and days, I didn’t want to face seeing “S”, until it was becoming too late. I waited until it was almost dark, wrote the cards, put some money in them and planned mission impossible…….sneaking around silent as night to her mums and putting them through the door, hence minimising the risk of being seen.

So what’s the point to this post D?

The day of the twins birthday was hard, knowing that I was not a part of that for the first time in years, not a part of the planning, the excitement or a part of their aging, instead discarded thrown out never again to be a part of any of it.

I didn’t really want to check my phone in case “S” messaged saying “We don’t want your cards etc.” like I was the bad guy! However I got a text message from my sister saying “J” my little 2 year old nephew had been talking none stop about his “Uncle D” all week.

The previous weekend I had invited my sister, brother in law “J” and “L” (the new addition at just 3 months old) around for dinner to the new place. I bought “J” a train set, he likes his trains, set it up out in the garden for him. (And when kids toys say easy assembly….DO NOT BE FOOLED……..2 and a half hours it took to put that thing together, I almost took my baseball bat to it.)

“J” was so excited when he came around, too excited to actually eat! Ran round the house shouting “Uncle D New Kitchen, Uncle D new washing machine lots of clothes…..” etc. etc., we played, we talked till reluctantly it was time to leave and little “J” helped clear away his train set ready “for next time.”

Since then every time my sister has gone anywhere, little “J” is off to “Uncle D’S new house” or to “Uncle D’s new car”

I digress……where was I?

O Yes, so I got a message from my sister saying “J” is none stop talking about his “Uncle D” and decided to pop over and see him. The moment I walked through the door, his little eyes lit up and the smile he gave me was enough to lift the darkness that had settled on my heart.

Still not getting where you are going with this D……

The point is suddenly in all of this mess, all of this, I guess I could use heartache here, I have become “Uncle D” I have also learnt to care unconditionally for 3 children that meant the world to me and I guess to feel a strange kind of love for “S”

The whole of my life I have been a cold, hard person, moving from one place to the next, exchanging one mask for another, running from everything, emotion was baggage I could ill afford to carry, a punch or a kick as a child soon teaches us emotion is pain, and hence avoidance is best!

Holding tiny “L” in my arms, “‘J’s” excitement and I suddenly realised that the horrors of our own childhoods, myself my sister and brothers, these children will never see, we will never allow it.

The mistakes and suffering of yesterday, washed away by the birth of a new generation.

I am suddenly a part of my family after years and years of running, I am thinking more and more about what’s right and wrong and becoming a hope a better person every day.

Yes I miss the kids tremendously, it amazes me how easily I slipped into the world of schools, homework, pack lunches, family dinners, how I managed to adapt to the needs of the children and how there is nothing I wouldn’t do for them pure and unconditionally.

As for “S”, very strange girl at first I was very bitter, who wouldn’t be? one day I am part of this world of kids, her life, every day coming and preforming a kind of partner / father role unconditionally being there, sacrificing much to give them all, to receive a text message telling me I was in effect no longer needed good bye!

I was bitter at the way she pushed me from her life, and fell so sweetly on her feet one day I am there the next its someone else.

Now though still a little confused I hope she and the children are happy, unlike my friends I bare her no malice and despite it all should she ever call I would do my best for her, with no resentment, no bitterness simply because it’s the right thing to do.

In all of this I have changed so much, I am struggling to balance it all, fill the void left, the things I once did no longer are a part of me, yet I am not sure where to focus my energy’s!

I recall the first time I met the kids, the boy reciting the books of the bible by memory and the two girls talking so fast and so much I could hardly keep up…..and thinking I have to get this right, I have to change…..and just didn’t know then how far that change would take me.

I was too inexperienced with emotion, with this concept the normals call “love” to understand and unfortunately in the mess “C” a friend got hurt.

As for the future and for “S” I did try to make something of this work, but it couldn’t and so I walked away, she made her choices and I hope they were right and ultimately her and the kids are happy.

My thoughts for today!

Thoughts

The sun finally shines today and the wind is slight so all in all looking like its going to be a good day.

I have my sister,brother in law and the two babies coming for dinner today so am looking forward to that is nice that now my little nephew knows who I am, and is quite excited to see me!

Its been an odd week, work wise I needed some normality and so I have been in the office during daylight hours, weird seeing the building so full of life.

My thoughts have been a little all over the place, prehapes has something to do with dropping the happy pills so fast and against recommended medical advice, but I just don’t want to be living fueled up on drugs!

Starting to get more used to life with our S and the kids, still enters my thoughts more often than I would like, but am seeing the reality of the situation and wondering how I got her so wrong, normally I can gauge people very quickly but I guess it was my own inexperience with this feeling thing, that led to my blindness.

I see now that no matter what I did, it would never have been enough like a bottle full of liquid, she would drain until it was empty, nothing left for her to take and discard it forgotten in the trash.

Sometimes I find myself wondering if she even thinks of me as often as I do her, but I know the answer is NO, was never about me for her, just what she could take, I made her life easier.

The twins birthday next week, spun me in to a bit of a moral dilemma, do I just let it slip, do nothing? or should I do something?

I am going to drop them a card and some money at there grandma’s and hope that “S” will pass it on and not try to contact me with some bullshit about them not having it, I never wanted to be a face that came and went in there life, saw to much of that myself.

Struggling a little to keep my thoughts clear at the minute, when it comes to “S” I have found myself angry over the way she lands on her feet once more and I fell apart.

I think sometimes, I hope it all falls apart she is left with nothing and no one and I hate that I think like that.

I don’t want to be that person, to hold those dark thoughts and I am battling with myself to keep my mind pure, clean and let it go.

I know that S and the kids will never be a part of my life, that she will never see her behaviour or the impact it has on other people. But I also know that I will not ever treat anyone in that way, nor will I justify my own bad behaviour with excuses, when I am wrong I will stand back and put it right.

I need to focus now on keeping my thoughts pure and don’t like this anger and resentment that situation has left me with, but I think that’s part of the “normal” process.

The things that I hold are the fact I learn’t to care unconditionally for S and the Kids, that I enjoyed every second of that time and that emotion is something I feel.

Where did it all go wrong?

Turn on the TV, Bombs in Boston? What kind of sick fuck plants a bomb, takes the away the life of an 8 year old kid? Humanity sickens me to the core.

Little 8 year old boy, who doesn’t understand politics, race, religion any of this shit….destroyed, life stolen away in seconds.

What is wrong with these people, are they sitting there now, down the pub with friends feeling proud? Did whatever crazy motive really justify the loss of innocent life? Is this what a God would want? Murder???? “I AM YOUR GOD, GO KILL A FEW PEOPLE IN MY NAME?” Come on people common fucking sense….where in any religious scripture does it say go plant a bomb, blow some people up?

Political protest…….Go chain yourself to a lamppost, print some banners, organise a fucking march…….but blowing people up??????

Where did it all go wrong? How did we get some fucking messed up?

Yer I am feeling a little mad today, angry at just about everything and everyone.

Music normally cools me when the waves of blackness de-send but none of my extensive library is working today, too many memory’s locked in the tunes…..I bought some new stuff a long way from my normal genre.

Blackness has gripped me the last few days, came home on Sunday and suddenly realised how empty my house is and I just don’t seem to fit in anymore, anywhere.

The whole of my lifestyle has and is changing, I moving away from things of the past yet not quite on the future.

There are some demons I need to battle to straighten out my mind, at the moment it’s like looking into a deep dark lagoon the sight aint pretty, but this is who I was.

I have no need for words today……Nor Vodka……!!!