Three Blind Mice…..!

Are we sitting comfortably? Good then I shall begin……..

Once upon on a time, there was no happy ever after, nor a happy today, or happy tomorrow for that fact, just a pit, a deep dark pit, that the basin of the world nestles in and the vermin of the world inhabit, a place that stinks like shit.

There was light and then darkness came, falling like the rains from skies above upon the shores beneath, nothing lives, yet all exists, for what is really, is not. Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, endless blackness, endless darkness, endless pain that wails long into the night when shadows fall from far away and sleep no more. Yes blackness rests and sweet lady depression comes to call, this is her world now and her time, sweet time to dwell on darkness thoughts.

A friend from old, a time long lost, forgotten now to this world of mine, prehaps some may say better that way, we passed by chance and words we spoke, the blackness dwells and darkness calls its own. I spoke of times with in the light, he spoke of times gone by, for me nothing now remains, for him the world to his feet does fall. Come back my friend his parting words, two days later I have a gun, a gift for memory’s sake, for deeds once done.

Beside me lays this tool of war, created by those that live in light, used by those that dwell in shadows, a gift from old. I can taste and feel the power, it oozes through my body, my blood and my mind Two choices now before me lay, tow paths, I can return to ways of old, or end it now.

These are my friends see how they glisten, see how the light reflects onto shadows, see how the darkness descends on the day, see how they fall….

Three blind mice, three blind mice,  see how they run, see how they run, they all chase after the farmers wife, who cuts of there tails with a carving knife, see how they run…..Now see how they come…..quite as night slipping in with shadows of yesterday they come, see how they come,  those three blind mice, not so blind, not so more, they pull out there guns and shoot at the farmers wife, now see how she runs, see how she runs. that farmers wife, shot dead in the night still clutching the carving knife, that cut of the tails of those three blind mice.

And so it begins, or so here it ends, just like three blind mice, hunted by the farmers wife, who in turn becomes the hunted, the society in which we choose to dwell, but for the fear of something afterwards, that unknown place from whose borne no traveler will return, makes us suffer those ills we have as oppose to fly to others we know not of. (Ok I bluntly pinched that bit from Shakspere, but his words fit where mine fall short).

And so they all lived happily ever after, exept the farmers wife who is dead, the three blind mice who lost there tails, and the people who lost the very reason for life it’s self.

The end.

Empty days

Day by day I am losing the will to continue, loosing my way and loosing myself in this tangled up nightmare that has become increasingly more my life, my soul and very being. I am lost in a web that day by day becomes more tight, more gripping, more dark and I really do not know now if it will ever be possible to escape.

When you fall on the outside, being from the outside its even harder to get back on the inside, in a crazy sense the world is doomed. Never have I been so far away from myself than I am at this point in my life, I feel like I have lost all sense of purpose all sense of being, all sence of self.

The depths of some form of depression sweep over me, having worked all my life to find myself out of work and unable to find work, my whole reason for being is eroded. I have to endure the pain of seeking government help, having questions and being probed and prodded, my life stripped out and analysed, just to eat.

All of my life I have worked, one job two jobs even three all in the main to stay afloat, and now I find myself sinking with nothing to show for all those years and having to beg from a system I hate.

Night after night slips now easily into day after day, hours matter not, seconds slip they could be weeks, I lose myself and all direction. I am finding it harder and harder to wake in a morning and when I do that black cloud descends, and grips strangling the very seeds of hope from deep within.

I am failing at interviews as my own self sence of worth fails me, as rejection after rejection eats like acid at my very core, this my friends is a black place, a place I hope you never get to see.

I have a constant hunger yet eat little more than toast as I can not buy more food. My rent is over due two days now and I do not know how I will clear it, prehaps just a matter of time before even the walls slip away.

I try to stay positive to think positive drive and drag myself forward as job after job I apply for, I dont even care what I do any more! I applied for a cleaning job, hell its something to do! But too qualified for this and I would leave as soon as something else comes up, they are probably right but dont they see? I have a need to work!

It’s so complex out there, the whole of society falls apart bit by bit and yet we seem unable to comprehend this, unable to see what is before our eyes! I realised the whole of my life has revolved around work and when the work is gone there is nothing left! I can now wake in a morning and speak to no one, day by day, prehaps my voice is lost.

I have no internet connection in the place I dwell, all had to stop expense I could no longer justify, I have to seek out space in a library to search the web, one hour slots as the world slips by.

My thoughts as my blog make no sense, I am truly lost in the wilderness of me looking at a person I no longer see as me, I loose the very will to live.

Another passing day…more thoughts….

Another day slips past, another interview this time stepping back to bar work, and I doubt it went that well of course they want to know why from here to bar work, and see me only temporary, I was hoping this one would pull through just for cash at least to tide things over.

I am deeply worried now as the end of the month both my phone bill is due and rent, though I have cut back on everything I still will not make the money up and I had to borrow more from the little I have to pay the bus fare for this interview.

I am scourging round like mad searching desperately for anything, data entry, bar work, cleaning I dont care I just need to work. At least if I can get something I can use this to search for longer prospects and decide from there.

Its so desperately hard to hold on, I never was loaded but always had money in the bank and could do things I wanted, to a reason, now I have nothing after working all these years, this in itself does not bother me, if I got work I could once more with determination and drive drag me back up again, its the fact that no matter how hard I try I dont seem to be getting anywhere and day by day the hole gets deeper.

Waves of depression wash over me and then despair, I dont know how to cope or what to do from here. Daily now I walk down to the library and search the jobs sites, trawl through e-mails and search and search for work, yet nothing comes and I despair alone and lost.

I have always felt locked out of life, often like I am waiting for it to begin, always waiting for something that never comes, now I found a new kind of locked out where alone I wander in the wilderness the world alight around and all that meets my eyes is darkness.

I have this urge to run, to set myself free, but run where and how? One thing for sure I know that once my path way turns around, if I manage to drag my way through this, I will depart this dreadful country, and its systems and ways, gawd life would be so much easier if I could slip away to some remote tribe and live free with nature, instead of trapped by this concrete jungle thats grown so fat upon the fruits of fruitlessness that it fails to see its self. Break free the grip of so called modern living with its pointless over complex and downright naive views, that feeds the rich and starves the poor, would much rather throw away than give away, and slip away to simple life where by the quality there in lies with in the blessing of the day.

I guess it is not till you find yourself in the outside, in a mess that you really start to see this place for what it is and how crazy it all is, I have always known its crazy but never saw just how far it went! It is madness that has become so complicated that the very reason we are here has become lost, forgotten, left in pieces on the cutting room floor.

Religion fights religion, person fights person, company fights consumer, I can not help but being reminded of vultures tearing away the very heart of life itself, and all the time more rules to patch up the holes to tighten the grip to patch up more holes to make more rules, its like society no longer exists in reality but just in some giant journal that fills itself more and more each passing second, will the rules ever end or will we simply run out of words?

I need a job…..!!!!!

Thoughts that pass with in the night

Shadows dance with in the dead of night as time evades there grasp, I am finding myself more and more seeking answers from a god that no longer seems to care.

My search for work seems fruitless and the money is all gone, I can not make ends meet and am slipping further and further inside myself, time outside is painful time I no longer find the need or indeed desire to leave the house, though I must.

I have to wonder now if I am being somehow punished for the mistakes for the past, prehaps some kind of divine intervention that leaves me high and dry. I search through the very depths of my mind to find answers to questions I long since forgot, and desire to be any place but this place now.

darkness comes in bouts, that blocks clear thought and reason, if indeed reason could behold the thought itself and breath forth once more new life there in. For so many years has my mind been active, always something on the boil, stripping with pure reason the thoughts right back to bone, to understand and know, to reason and to question, yet now there is nothing and my mind it yearns for thought, for things to stimulate and demand it and so to now with lack of stimulation it turns upon itself and draws forth blood from deep within.

I seem to be stuck in this rut, I am too qualified for the roles in past I followed and yet under qualified for the next step, so one side passes me over feeling I need more and the other side does not think I am quite there! Catch 22 indeed lives now with in my life full-time and I am trapped with in the rules that define the very rules they set out to protect.

I wonder if I am going insane, my mind it races on and on and rips itself apart, I fill it with books, sweet words from text unknown, it devours with fresh breath and bait and still the hunger lingers on. I find myself more and more locked in this other world with in myself a world that I carve day by day, where sunshine falls and drowns the troubles of  yesterday gone by.

Another annoying fact about been out of work is those people who say we will let you know either way after interview and then never call and you are left dangling like a spider on a web, over and over on and on, do they want me, dont they want me? Always checking the phone, every second just in case you miss that call, just in case they call! and of course the call it never comes.

I call out to a god that I am now sure has long since abandoned ship, departed gone or is off having some holiday some place, after all making this great bodge he made called earth, must have been hard work, its not easy getting something so far wrong this! I call out to help me, guide my pathway back, a chance to give a job, its not hard, but nothing comes interviews come and go, calls never come back and the feed back I get, like one I really wanted is we do not feel we would be doing you justice in offering you the job….!

Something has to give and fast, my heads a mess, my thoughts are lost and all I see is dancing shadows of the pale moonlight.

Still no job…!

Time slips now fast, and I am struggling to hold on as still the storm rages on with no sign of ease. Things have slipped from bad to worse as the world spins on and on. desperately searching work it seems I am to qualified for some and underqualified for another, Its simple I just want a job!

I am alone in this darkness now and finding  day by day the will to travel on much drained, I am struggling now to step out side, with people and with thoughts, the shadows of yesterday return to steal away there prey and feast in the deadness of night.

More and more time slips and I simply now do not know how I will pay the rent next month, already skipping food to make ends meet, I am drowning fast and there seems now no way out.

Its a hard feeling going from on high, having money and a life to quite literally being left with nothing and no where to turn. No where to run.

I have no internet connection now at home, or the place that somehow seems to serve as my self made prison, so my entry’s will be slow though I will try and post when I gain chance.

I am still trying to understand myself and change the very core where rot set in, the first time in ages I made that journey back to parents land for a wedding of my sister and played my part, listened to words, no longer with a burning hate, but eyes to see and thoughts to think, though the picture I painted of my world was far from what it is, I guess I still need to focus on the image still. I think the important step was to make it there and stand and see, mistakes of yesterday bring forth new life and growth with in if we take forth the lessons learned.

Lessons from the Darkness

Before the mirror, the myriad of life I stood and staring back at me was a person that I did not know. Somehow through all the changing places, the changing faces of my life I have lost who I am, I have lost the only thing I ever strived to keep and that is me.

Its easy to blame the mistakes of tomorrow on the failings of the past, on the failings of others, if my childhood had been filled with happiness, if those that were parents, were actually parents, would things have really turned out differently? Would I be a different person?

Through all this blackness that descends me now I am searching for the lessons that I must learn, and searching for myself. I have lost both direction and purpose, reason and rhythm an empty vessel searching for something to fill it, yet I do not know what that filling is.

Stripping back the layers, the many changing faces, I cant say that I am at all happy with my life, the way it was and still is. I am not the person I was yesterday, nor the person I will be tomorrow. I have done many things in my life much blackness follows me much damage lays in my wake. I have moved from place to place, being one thing then another, changing faces of the lost and unknown, I have been many things to many people in many places, but I have never been myself, I simply swap and change to fit the place and then skip town and move on, if there is one thing that I am good at, that is running.

As a child I learnt to run, I learnt to hide, to hide my true feelings and never show weakness, I learnt to run from the passing blow, and the words that stung more than any broken bone, or smashed up dream, these skills I learnt I used in adult life and have spent my time building islands in the sand, shape changing, never laying foundations, trading one face for another, one life for another. Is it really fair to blame this thing that I see in the mirror, on my parents on the childhood I never had? Is it fair to fill myself with bitterness and regret for all the things I wanted but could never have? Is it fair to say that who I have become is the result of a childhood that never was, a result of hours and hours of silent tears, when all I sought was love? If I am honest, the answer I am afraid is it is not.

It is a fact that I am a wild flower, I never benefited from the nurture of a garden flower, I never received the love and attention given to ones prize rose bush, I was never groomed and bread, but left out in the wilderness to find my own way, left in the darkness always on the outside looking in. So often as a child did I dream inside my mind of this perfect life where by I wrote the world, and had the perfect life. The problem was as I grew I never stopped writing that world inside my mind, so instead of finding me, I simply swapped my face for the mask of another, and shape shifted through life.

I have done many things, most of which I am at best ashamed of, though I never took from another, never sucked the life from another as often I have seen done, never drained the very core of another dry, as some in this world seem disposed to do and whom for some reason always seem to come out on top. I have hurt people, both in a physical way and emotional way, but then again I guess we all have, but I have never really been who I am.

Somewhere in the wilderness I have lost myself, in all the changing faces, in all the changing story’s of a world that I never really felt I belonged in I have completely lost my way. I used to dream about doing something positive with my life, of changing the world, of making some kind of impact, of taking away the hurt that I felt as a child from others, so far what have I done? Simply nothing but inflict in ways the very hurt that I so wished to avoid.

I have to stand back and ask myself, am I a bad person? again in honesty I can not really answer this question. I never set out to hurt, but somehow in trying to live I have caused hurt. I am an angry person, another vital skill from my childhood, I learnt to fight and as I have mentioned before, when the red blood calls, I simply slip in to a person that scares even me, but on the flip side I hold morals, for years I saw my Dad batter my Mum who in turn battered me and then for good measure the dad battered me again, I have had my head slammed through a window, to be told this was my fault and felt the sting of the belt buckle across my face, yet no matter how angry I have become, no matter how frustrated never once have I raised my hand in anger to any partner, or indeed any female for that matter. There are times when I have slammed my fist repeatably into a wall, till blood fell and bones broke, but I have always swore that I would never inflict what I saw befall my mother. I have never fought with an innocent, just for fun, just to prove that I can, I know I can and that is all that matters. So where does this leave me on my journey to find myself?

I think I have to accept there are parts of my life now that I can not change, there are elements of the past that I am down right ashamed of and these things, though they taunt me in the dead of night, I have to write off with the understanding that from those times I must learn, and I think in my own kind of way I have learnt.

I also have to accept that the childhood I wanted, I will never have and I have to accept the time for running is over, and that I must stand and look at myself and start to heal, and that I must find my way again. I must also accept that this road is not going to be the easiest to travel, but to gain any real happiness in my life, to calm the sea’s to travel it I must.

I have to let go of the past and stop holding on to the bitterness that consumes, To accept what was and move forwards. I have to drop the changing faces, lay down the mask that once I wore to protect me and then find myself, the who and what I am, the person I have never been, because I have always been to afraid to stand out in the open.

I need to peal back the layers, lose the years and breath as me, but to strip back the coats, pull back the years of protection and find what I think I already know the answer to scares the hell out of me, but in order to be to really be free, I don’t think I have much option left, more years of endless misery or a chance of being happy with me.

I think my time in this darkness draws from me lessons to be learnt and with all the pieces on the floor, I must now set about reassembling them so that when I stand before that mirror once more, instead of a strange staring back at me, for the first time in my life I see myself standing there, staring back at me.

Blood Hounds Hunt

“When troubles come they come not single spies but in battalion’s”

How true this seems to be, as blood hounds run and rain sets in. The skies once blue, now over cast and black spill rains upon the shores beneath, water logged and drenched soils can no longer cope and all that once was solid slips fast and hard away.

Everywhere now darkness casts its shadow, draws in its breath and sucks once sweet life from the lungs of the weak and the lost, the innocent and forgotten. Anger rages deep inside me, everything now seems impossible, life now wet with rains that pour and pour slips from my fingers fast, day by day I find it harder to hold on.

Ropes entangle inside my mind mix up the reasonable and the rational with outside thoughts and darkness call, normal thought becomes squeezed out and I am loosing the very thread of all that is for all that was, in a world where nothing makes sense. Day by day the craziness becomes more crazy and day by day we battle on, trying to fight the inevitable.

Death stay no longer from my door and hear my call, let time no longer tick, let breath no longer fill my lungs, be still my beating heart and sleep eternal find your way inside, call me down, bring me in and down to bear. I no longer want this crazy world, trapped by walls that bear on in every passing second, squeeze and push all the fight from with in.

Dreams are plauged now with worrys of what tommorrow will bring, and tommorrows passing brings in more worrys that fall to dreams and all become one, the colours drain, life expands and no more do I want this, no more do I need this, No more I scream and scream into skies eternal, filled with darkness and the pouring rain.

On and on this world spins, credit, finance, money driven now with greed that its so far out of control, every day they come and take more and more, when there is still nothing less they come for more and more, they invent and twist the rules to turn and feed themselves, we are all lost, lost in this mess.

Banks spun and spurned now what befalls the globe, and do they suffer? Record profits shown, rewarding themselves for bad behaviour, feeding themselves on charges from the poor and the vulnerable, stealing now the very food from our mouths, anything to clamor for more and more, the greed.

“When sorrows come they come not singles spy’s but in battalions”

Too Lost to be saved…….

Lost once more in the darkness, this is my time in the wild, I am too far gone now to be saved, to really save myself.

The shadows beckon, once I tried to run, now I return, return to what I know. The darkness beckons, it is where I belong, the place from which I came, of where I belong.

For years I have stood on the outside looking in, always lost in the wilderness, standing at the windows looking in at the unattainable, the happy normal life I never had, nor could ever aspire to. For years I have run from the lost and broken child, battered half to death by “parents” that care, for years all I have sought is to live in the normal world like the normals do.

I have tried and tried, until now so tiered of trying I rolled those dice and gambled hard, the world fell in and now seeks once more to strangle me, you would think after years of trying I would be wise, creatures of the shadows have no place in the light, and when they step forth and try, the very light itself will seek to destroy and drain all life from with in.

I am too lost to be saved, to hard to care, never before have I been surrounded by so many people yet been so alone, and the pain inside, the thoughts that run through my mind, this is my time in the wild, back in the ground that I belong, I am the huner, the shadow of the night, I am too lost to be saved.

One more Vodka….

Tables smashed and broken glass, red blood falls from golden skies and the world is once more becomes a mess. Vodka slips as Carling falls, the party rocks on as the world spins by.

Perpetual motion, people come and people go as the party rages and the red blood falls, a world outside the window, coherent sane and normal, so much more drunk than the chaos inside. A different kind of drunk, drunk on bills and worries, emotion and strain from a system that’s so far gone, it knows no end.

As the Vodka flows and the world inside spins, as the glasses fly and the fighting breaks out, as the blood pours simple and quick as vodka flowing from the glass, still onwards and onwards this fucked up mess spins on, its difficult now to tell where the chaos lies, is it inside, is it outside, more Vodka, does it really matter.

Broken glass from exploded window pane, inside is suddenly outside, and outside in, the boundary’s are blurred as on and on the Vodka flows, the party rages strong. One more vodka followed by another, and one more if you please, as the red blood flows falling from once golden skies.

The walls begin to spin, the room it moves and turns, dancing the last dance as the daylights shadows twist and turn in a world full of chaos, full of shame and pain. The normals they come, they dance and they judge, more tables flying more broken glass, I am a shadow, I am the danger you do not see, the rules are gone, I have danced your last dance, and played by your way, now step into my world its time to pay.

Falling people, broken glass, blue lights flashing the peace keepers, they come, they step from the right across to the left, they come from a world that’s falling apart, and patch up the holes to up hold the rules, those fucking rules that make no sense, that’s say you can starve just don’t steal the food.

They come as a symbol of the mess of this world, they sail upon self appointed morals of the low and the lowly, so blinded by sight, that they fail to see really see that the sail in on the shit of rules that are broke, the rules that they fix and amend.

With stupid sprays and little sticks they come to the party of the shadows of night, more broken glass and flying sticks, more madness in chaos and still the vodka flows and the blood, the blood it pours, the only truth in the darkness of life, and on and on they come, more and more as the tempo and beat increase and the rhythm of life expands.

Red blood falling from once golden skies, its flooding your world and you don’t even see……….

The storm returns, as time begins to slow.

So close and yet so far, the storm still rages, with land in sight, the waves they came and crashing down they dragged me out to sea once more, already water logged and broken on the rocks, this time I know not how I will survive. When all was going well, yesterday the call it came, apparently a close call that took the weekend to deliberate upon, on this occasion I am unsuccessful, although in twelve months time, they would like me to reapply!

As the reasoning ran on, the ground dropped once more from my feet, his telephone mannor was poor to say the least, bad new punctuated with Arghhhh…….Erghhhhhhh, is not the most appealing, I could feel the world slipping beneath my feet, the very ground I stood upon fell short and the will to continue just left.

Jumping through hoops, trekking here and there, over three weeks of agonising pain, to be beaten to the finishing line at the very last second, I can not help feeling a little bitter. I struggled last night to pull my head around the fact this chance was gone, and so too is all hope.

Today all I have done is sleep and stress, I really now do not know what to do, my mind is haunted by thoughts of escape and pleasantly I no longer feel the need to run from this, almost embracing, looking now for the best way forwards, the best way out.

Slipping back into darkness grip, there is no way I can survive in this world, this crazy society any longer, I am quite literally at the end of the road, and sinking fast, I have no money, no means to attain any, and no way forwards. My car needs MOT, Tax and insurance at the end of the month, the bank is yanking away any money I have in excessive charges that I have no way of pulling my way out of, so month by month things get worse, My Credit card bill sits unpaid as I simply can not pay it, gas and electric, council tax, food…..there is just no money to cover these things I once took for granted as paid. I cant even get a basic job as the money I earn will be gone before bills are paid, and day by day things get worse.

How do I survive? I am simply alone and lost, the decks are swamped with water the hull is broken and so close to land I have been once more dragged back out to sea with no way out, its impossible for me to survive this storm, to ride the tides and land myself back on the ground.

Searching round and round in my mind no answer can I find, but one, the one that whispers in my mind, echos through my brain haunts me in the dead of night, my time is coming fast and a freedom engulfs me now, regret at the life I never had, the way things could have been, the struggle through a nightmare childhood that grips through to adult years, the mess and destruction left in my wake, and the resounding echo, that from nothing I came and to nothing I shall return.

Its seems all along that they were right and despite my trying, I have failed and failed miserably.