Perfect moments, may be I was wrong.
We stood tonight beneath the stars, I was having a smoke, she took my hand excited, look up at the stars, how beautiful.
You know I never noticed that before, years stood as ice on the doors, the hard guy that makes the choices.
Her words how lucky we are to live beneath such beauty, freezing cold and we sit beneath the stars and talk, I could listen forever, sit here forever.
How wrong have I got things?
A year of change, and I have met her, not only my partner but my best friend.
More change, finding myself and fuck how amazing is the night sky!
Perfect moments, may be I was wrong.
Just a quick post, but something I need to share!
Tonight we have driven a stupid amount of miles to watch a play, “The Winters Tale” and wow was it worth it, at the end even I had tears in my eyes.
Her hand in mine, side by side the poetry, the art alive, on stage acted out so well…..I spoke once before of perfect moments…..the first perfect moment!
If you have never found the words, seek them out….as I grow the words grow….expand, mean more!
Late bottle of wine, as we chill and talk through the emotion of the words another perfect moment in the motion!
Winter is Coming.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s the world that’s gotten too big, or the words themselves that have become too big, lacking purpose, no longer adequate to describe the things they are meant to describe.
“Happy” or “Sad” for example say something but at the same time, lack clarity, definition and thus say nothing at all.
I have been away from blog land now for quite some time, I needed some space to think, to find something, yet what it was I was looking for I was unsure.
Sat one night, laptop open on my knee, iPhone pinging away, tablet at my side and a DVD on the PS3, I realised just how pointless this all was, how dependent upon technology my life had become, how it was dictating to me, rather than I it.
So I took some time away, bought books and enjoyed long afternoons in the garden, lost in the world of “Game of Thrones” or wandering in the isolation of Camus “Outsider”. I took long walks down by the river, ran for miles into the wilderness and left life behind for a little while.
Sometimes in all this chaos, we lose sight of the reality of this world, the world that lays beneath, the true and pure purpose of life, simply the world in which we live has gotten too big and like the words, has lost all meaning, the beauty of what life was about diluted down, forgotten in this crazy way we live.
In a world where there is plenty, how can it be that people starve? Struggle to heat their homes, how can it be right to choose between food and warmth? The basic things society was set up to protect! How did we get so lost?
Winter is coming.
I have been playing a PS3 game “The Last of us” set in a world after disaster, where nature has taken back control, uproots drive ways, demolishes buildings, eats up the roads, she takes back her world, from the devastation we caused, and heals it.
Wandering lost, alone in this world I often found myself wondering what it would be like, in the end, when “progress” stops and nature reclaims her planet, how I would quite like to live in the simplicity of it all.
The 8th of November, marked a year since I received the infamous “Text” message, from “S” the day my world changed. It’s been a funny kind of year when I finally booted out Miss Smirnoff and decided to live, emotionally it’s been a complicated journey and physically I even moved house!
One year on, am I happy? Who knows? I know that I have changed, that I am not the person I was.
I miss her kids, especially at birthdays, holidays, xmas etc., sometimes when out and about, I don’t feel complete without them, but I can only hope the choices made, resulted in a happy stable future for them. Only hope that things panned out right in the end.
As for “S” that is one mystery I will never solve, I can only hope that her games and choices led her to a deeper sense of happiness.
Times moved on, each second of each minute of each hour of each day.
For me, I am trying to find the right way, feeling emotion for perhaps that first time in my life, slowly with the changes I have made I a begin to see me when I look in the mirror, not an image of something I never was.
Always like a tennis ball, beyond my grasp.
Yet I wish I didn’t have to stand and watch you fall.
Yet fall you will and down it comes, call out and I will catch you, stay silent and it’s just what comes!
Not the same, never will be, but to watch you fall alone is just not me!
A dream with in a dream awake but still asleep …….
There is something very liberating about the smell of fresh ground coffee, I bought a coffee machine a few weeks back and have been experimenting with different types of beans, my kitchen has that aura of fresh ground coffee!
So today we went “Hybrid Shopping” to quote her term! which made the normal rather dull trip to the supermarket, a lot more fun.
So what is “Hybrid Shopping” you may ask? Have you ever food shopped for just yourself? The choices are limited as everything is aimed at 2 Plus people! You end up throwing away more than you eat, or with a freezer full of things you forgot you had!
So the idea is simple, we shop together, split the food and alternate where we eat, so one night at mine and the next at hers!
The rules were simple we choose different foods, but everything has to be fresh, no microwave meals, no prepared food, I have half the items she chooses and she has half of mine, then the first night she cooks at hers, the following night I cook at mine, then she cooks at mine and I hers!
Thank goodness for Google, as I am pretty sure I am going to be needing it!
So the start of our trip didn’t go too well…….! We found the book isle ended up buying books! Though in keeping with the theme as they were 2 for £7.00 we each choose a book, then choose one for the other!
I never knew shopping could be so much fun, I haven’t laughed as much in ages, the rather large girl at the cream cake section, lusting over the various arrey of tempting items, whilst holding her weight watches ready meal, caught both of our attentions, mean I know, but the irony of it was too much to resist.
Then there was the party of “old dears” chatting about bingo and such right in the middle of the isle, causing absolute chaos!
Not sure they thought that one through!
Anyway…Just thought I would share todays adventure!
There are no such thing in life as perfect moments. I once read of a character that spent her life searching out perfect moments, everything had to be perfect, ready for that perfect moment. She arranged shawls in the room, certain types of light, always awaiting the perfect moment, which of course never came.
As life progressed she discovered that you can not find a perfect moment, they are reserved for art, works of fictions, preserved for eternity, to entrap and entice and as a result found her whole life, was lost.
In a way there are no such things as perfect moments, but a whole series of moments that lead up to something, that perhaps has a purpose. These moments can not be staged, they are natural and pure.
The first date, as I mentioned previously went well, the food was excellent, the wine as always amazing and the company was good. My previous worries over conversation topics and those awkward silences, were laid to rest with in the first few minutes.
We talked about past endeavours, extensively, an odd topic of conversation for a first date, but it worked for us.
Later that evening we arrived back at mine, we sat out in the garden drinking pink Champaign over ice, the little burner kicking out heat as dusk set in and I realised the time spent on the garden, those little moments all seemed to flow over to this one moment, all led to the same thing, just blissful harmony.
The sun set, the light dimmed, the string of little lights I hooked up around the patio area danced like our own tiny little stars, in our own private little haven.
Moments leading to moments, that define us as who we are.
I have been thinking more and more about these perfect moments, these chains of events that set in motion a reaction that leads to other things.
Lets step back awhile, when I first met S, I was a very different person to who I was once I left, yet when I left I was a very different person to who I am today, very messed up, very confused.
The important thing isn’t really what happened, but the defining moments that led on to that night in the garden with someone new.
We touched on S, her comments made me think, “Some people in life are simply out for what they can get, they have no thought or regard for anyone else but themselves, and will simply take everything that is on offer and walk away with out a care in the world, there is nothing you can do about those kinds of people, they are just simply there, that is who they are and we have to accept that.”
I think I may have been one of those people and it took the serious of events that followed to make me see, to make me try harder and to become better, and to become better with each and every breath I take.
Like the slow and laborious work on the garden, it was time, effort and pain, but that time effort and pain led to what I can only describe as the nearest thing I have come to a perfect moment. That simple easy late Saturday evening.
“S” is a part of my past, a lesson learnt a defining moment leading to a perfect moment far, far away. She can no longer hurt me, influence me or touch me, she was a moment in time.
I have been searching for meaning to life, some kind of balance that equates the pain with something, but may be I am over complicating something so simple.
It is the moments that matter, it is how we choose to see and use those moments, that defines us and leads ultimately to a natural progression of the perfect moment, or a never-ending, perpetual flow of imperfect moments with a deeper burning quest to create the perfect moment.
How we define and grow ourselves, how we reflect on others and how we seek to be. One can’t just plant a seed and expect the perfect bloom, it takes time, care, nurturing and love to get that perfect bloom.
As dusk fell and we talked, it was like time stood still and everything that ever came before it exploded into that one perfect evening, every hurt, every tear, every mind wrenching thought, every single time I questions myself……all seemed to lead to that point.
As we sat, drank our Champaign and talked, every word exchanged mattered and for the first time ever I threw away the iron mask and simply laid myself bare, with honesty and sincerity.
Moments………come and go……unless we nurture them, learn from them….we are lost in a sea of endless moments never finding the true perfect moments.
A kind of thought in progress!
Been in the office doing normal hours, I needed some stability, instead of the isolation that nights throw.
Long day, business suit, in and out of meetings, endless calls stressed to fuck!
Text message “hey how’s your day going?” My pretty lady!
Reply “stressed to fuck, be about 10 before I am done, just remembered I have not eaten today…lol food over rated, hope your day is better than mine !”
So I pull up on the drive about 10:30 took the Rav today needed the power of that beast, mixed with my black cold suit!
Car lights pull in behind me, her Audi, her smile and those eyes, “got us an Indian and some wine, you need to eat”
Gone from an abnormal day, to normality, she asks about my day, listens to me rant, we drink wine and eat, cuddle on the sofa and my harsh day melts!
This is so strange, but at the same time so nice!
Will I ever understand this stuff!