Its been an odd few weeks a lot of things have plagued my mind and I guess I have kind of being holding on to too much.
This darkness that grips my mind wont leave, no matter where I am or what I am doing its there and nothing seems to fit.
I have found myself becoming more and more reclusive, with my work pattern its easy to just disappear.
I have taken to closing the blinds on my bedroom during the days, even when I am not at work, simply so people coming think that I have been working that night and am thus sleeping through the day, they don’t knock or bother to call.
I find myself actively avoiding people and places, things I could do today, put off for a tomorrow that never comes.
The down side of learning this Love thing, is also to learning not to love!
Long ago, I used to like the Pubs, no matter what I felt, no matter what ran through my mind, as soon as I came down stairs stood on my bar, the world was perfect, a smile a laugh and a pint, all one big act.
I have grown through the act, broken through the skin, started to become real, put down roots.
I am no longer the wandering stranger, with the changing face, ever a reflection of what you want to see.
I AM ME
But just who in the hell am I? A void?
Its empty in my mind, I have squeezed out the things that were wrong, I quit the running and tried to build a better world.
Once so busy running here there and everywhere, now empty and lost.
You see me now, cutting the lawns on a Sunday afternoon, washing the car.
Going through the motions but still it feels like the gears are stuck, may be its years of wandering lost, may be its just my own fucked up head, may be its just me and that’s the way it is.
If I had known that night at the road side this was my last moment with the kids, I would have treasured it held on to it, made it a special moment, a perfect moment, forever frozen in time.
Yet it wasn’t a perfect moment, not even a special moment, nothing memorable, just a cold dark night, where someone I once saw as a friend, became somebody that I used to know and the kids departed my life.
That’s the point inadvertently brooding on this stuff, inadvertently checking my phone, in the vain hope that someday you may explain it all.
Then I get angry, even now that anyone could be that cold, but I am more angry at me for being so stupid, the one time in my life I tried to get it right, you made it all so wrong.
Again I let the bacteria of negativity slip slyly inside my mind, and its been breeding, growing, festering, fuelling the darkness, stoking the fire and I don’t know how to get it out, to purge it from my body and my mind once and for all.
The old days I would have hurt someone, I can’t be like that.
But how the hell do I get this disease out, and now I understand why there are so many lost and broken people out there, consumed with bitterness and anger.
I don’t want to be like that.
UNFAIR, YOUR HAPPINESS MY NEVER ENDING WAVES OF MISERY.
That’s life, Unfair, have to let this go, there will be no answers, no happy ever after, may be it’s what I deserve, may be its me.
I am not who I was, but I don’t know who I am, in untangling me, I have become more tangled.
This “HOLDING” on must end, this brooding, this bitterness, the negativity of my mind is breeding negativity in everything else, my life, my work, my environment, in the games I play, in the food I don’t eat, in the friends I quit.
How do I get it out?