The land of the living and the land of the past!

Time slips past, the night falls dark and heavy her darkened skies and dampened air breath deep, reach out and touch the very soul and core of man, her shadows dance and play, her winds howl like wolves in the dead of night, her chill grips far and wild drawing the very breath from my lips, pounding deep with in my heart, my mind, my body and my soul.

Back now from Ireland and hours away from my big interview, my mind more positive than before, but still my heart beats, I need this chance, I need this job. My life like clay now lays in the hands of another, this chance for me is more than just a job, more than just a means to draw me from this mess, this job is the one thing that I want, and one I can do well, not only for the sake of moneys call, but for me, it puts me back where passion calls and fresh blood boils, it makes a difference on the streets, to lives, and to this cruel world. I need to sell out my soul to win my soul, and sell myself.

My time in Ireland now ended, plays upon my mind, fuel for thought and do those fires rage! My thoughts so long deprived of stimuli, now rage deep and dark into the dead of night, such a deep and yet undiscovered place, reaped with history and such dark deeds that chill the very mind of all who walk her streets and take the time to stand and stare, listen to the pasts long heart beat, see the lines that fall so weak between the land of the living and the land of the dead, for tomorrow is but a dream of yesterday, falling on the shadows of what once was and what is to be.

Standing in the streets of Dublin city, outside the GPO watching the world of today pass through the shadows of yesterday, watching the land of the living walk through the land of the dead. The walls abound with bullet holes, the soils beneath stained with the blood of the dead and the dying, of yesterdays fair call, I could not help but feel moved, feel like I could close my eyes and step back through the thin vail that guards time, back in to the land of the dead. Closing my eyes, I could almost taste the hot blood metal of yesterday, as bullets flew, cutting through flesh, warm like a knife passing through butter, imprinting themselves in the walls of the GPO for eternity sake, all in the name of the freedom that the future forgot. In the hustle and bustle of today, in the speed and the pace, in the lost memory’s of bills unpaid, in the worry of this and that, I could hear the call of the dead and the wounded, the dying and the deceased. Watching the people pass by on fine slabs of pavement, and articulate bedding plants, decorations of the sublime and the minimal, watching them walk on now covered soils of the blood of yesterday all in the name of a freedom, that some how lost his way.

Beyond the today and tomorrow, beyond the square and the river, the river that too fills her shores with the blood of the dead and the dying, that sails on the winds of the suffering, that basks in the light of the gone, behind all this, hidden from view by the paper that cover the cracks, lays the old Dublin city, its walls too bear the scares of the past, though no longer covered with fancy tokens of today, but empty and boarded, haunted by ghosts of the yesterday who suffer and scream in the night tucked away in these streets the past too has a story to tell of the weak and the suffering, the lost and the dead. An old grave yard hidden behind the walls of the prison, that bears the scares of the death’s of those that Easter day who rose from the ash’s to buckle the system, that deems itself fair, deems itself just. An old man, full of Irish history calls and talks, he tells of the suffering, the lost and the dead, not the heroic or brave, the every day man, who labours his cause for the shilling. He tells of the plight of the men unknown, he tells of the poverty that lays on the street. He tells of the peasants who couldnt afford clothes and wore the uniforms of the doomed, he tells how they sit in a bar, having a draught of their famous ale, laughing and joking round a table of old, when in walk the men, sent by the fair and the just, wearing too uniforms, just of more vigor, black and tan, were their colours. He tells how our peasants, unable to afford their own clothes, mistaken for others, or may be just the representation of the cruelty of man, were rounded up like cattle and marched to the square, where the mud and the rain all mingled as one, and were butchered like cattle, kicked to there deaths whilst stabbed and slashed on her majesty’s justice, he tells how the soils flowed with blood, the body’s once more to nature they fell…..O he tells of the suffering and plight, the unknown graves of the unknown men, who had not the money to buy there own clothes, he tells of a story that echo’s the future, he tells of tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, through the lines of the past and the blood of the innocent. Though he does not know, he tells of today through the veins of the blood of the past.

For the first time in an age, I felt an over whelming compulsion to step into a church of the past, where once as a child angelic family portrait held, smiling faces that hid the scars and the rot, I returned to the house of God. Though the chant was high, and the church strange, the feeling I held gripped me strong. The icons surround, like the bullet holes lost in the past, brought to the future in Dublin square, but here filled with love, devotion and prayer, each brush stroke holds a prayer of the artist, each part one whole, each part a story of its own. I stood and listened to the chant, felt the power of the heart beat, that for so long I have forgotten, and felt a sence of warmth, a welcome and a call from old, a feeling that stayed with me through out the day. Many things have I done, many skeletons lay hidden in my closet as I move from place to place as I battle a world that I do not understand, I would never say that I am a good person, nor am I a big god lover, but somehow, I felt I had come home and a welcome lay before me. People reading this can judge, people who know me can judge by the scares on my knuckles, the red blood that boils in my veins, the fear I protrude, the gun or the knife, the hardness of me. They can judge by yesterday or tomorrows deeds, but that feeling, was more real than any I have known in so long, for that short time I stood and I listened, I stood and I looked, I stood and I prayed, I felt a hand on my shoulder and a light in the darkness of me.

I know there are changes I need to make, its hard, but I have kind of mixed myself up in the land of the living, yet lost in the land of the dead.

Beyond Repair

Its been a while since last I was able to post here, the words they came, they floated through my head, my mind and soul, yet refused to pour out upon the page, refused to take form and shape, and I lost my voice. I fell from afar, lost in the wilderness, out in the cold, I lost that very part of me that knows the way.

The last weeks have been the longest and the hardest that I have ever had to face, I found myself falling deeper and deeper into a pit the depths of which I have never before seen, I have been in some black places in the past, but this, well this made even them seem like a stroll in the park on a warm sunny day.

In all honesty I think in a way I was loosing my mind, looking back now its like seeing another person, watching a play unfold on a stage, that person siting there with gun and knife, no food and empty thoughts, hours and hours on end, twisting the thought to twist the world, to twist it further still, till black fell to white and white fell to black and the whole mess just got so twisted that in its own way it actually started making sence. Black became white, white became black and the colour faded as the dampness set in, even my good friend sweet lady depression with her blood red lips and ice cold bite, took heed and packed up her things, and fled for the door.

All that I have built over the years around me, to cage the beast that lay with in, came crashing down with one foul swoop, the walls and the shadows, the sun and the moon, I found myself unleashed wild in the wilderness with out care, reason or due course. The act and smile I wear so well departed, I simply no longer cared. Days became nights, nights became days and the world just functioned in darkness.

My thoughts with no real purpose of there own, once so active turned upon the very core of me, ripples falling slowly, silent as night, they turned upon themselves and the whole process of reason or rational fell from the window and sence became nonsense, with nonsense being sence. Endless rains at my window pane, ever falling night, spheres of time twisting and turning their pivitol poles apart. The depths of this place were endless and the darkness much darker than I have ever known, here the very edge of all reason falls apart, devoid here is the place where the land of the living becomes the land of the lost.

Had I gone on wandering in this wilderness, I really can not say where things would have gone, but I am also certain that I would not be here, sitting free, writing this.

Things happened in the shadows in the dead of night, where even the blackness was afraid to go, but on that very brink something brought me back, a point I will return to another day, when the feelings and the fear of that blackness are not quite so gripping. Even now as I write this I can feel the pull of that darkness, the call from the bowls of despair itself, I can feel the fingers of the vines of the lost gripping my neck pulling me back.

My vision has cleared, my thoughts have settled and the waves are tame, I am starting to feel more and more in control. I am in Ireland at present, came this morning and surrounded by perpetual rain! In the strange city of Dublin still searching for me.

On a positive note, I took my CV re-focused myself and sent a cover mail and copy to a key player, I got a call and have a meeting now next friday back in the UK with the regional director, I am holding out that this will be the one that comes through for me, the position is ideal, the company strong and I can bring so much to them. I hold out that at last my luck will change and the storm will finally pass.

Plans fall now for the future, a move again as soon as I can, this time instead of running endless running, I am going back to where I belong and from there will move on, the days of shape shifting be it all I know, must also end here and now and I must once more find my feet, once more find my voice, I know this road will not be easy, I do not know what the future holds, but I am starting to see a future a path laid out, not yet formed but it’s there all the same.

Three Blind Mice…..!

Are we sitting comfortably? Good then I shall begin……..

Once upon on a time, there was no happy ever after, nor a happy today, or happy tomorrow for that fact, just a pit, a deep dark pit, that the basin of the world nestles in and the vermin of the world inhabit, a place that stinks like shit.

There was light and then darkness came, falling like the rains from skies above upon the shores beneath, nothing lives, yet all exists, for what is really, is not. Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, endless blackness, endless darkness, endless pain that wails long into the night when shadows fall from far away and sleep no more. Yes blackness rests and sweet lady depression comes to call, this is her world now and her time, sweet time to dwell on darkness thoughts.

A friend from old, a time long lost, forgotten now to this world of mine, prehaps some may say better that way, we passed by chance and words we spoke, the blackness dwells and darkness calls its own. I spoke of times with in the light, he spoke of times gone by, for me nothing now remains, for him the world to his feet does fall. Come back my friend his parting words, two days later I have a gun, a gift for memory’s sake, for deeds once done.

Beside me lays this tool of war, created by those that live in light, used by those that dwell in shadows, a gift from old. I can taste and feel the power, it oozes through my body, my blood and my mind Two choices now before me lay, tow paths, I can return to ways of old, or end it now.

These are my friends see how they glisten, see how the light reflects onto shadows, see how the darkness descends on the day, see how they fall….

Three blind mice, three blind mice,  see how they run, see how they run, they all chase after the farmers wife, who cuts of there tails with a carving knife, see how they run…..Now see how they come…..quite as night slipping in with shadows of yesterday they come, see how they come,  those three blind mice, not so blind, not so more, they pull out there guns and shoot at the farmers wife, now see how she runs, see how she runs. that farmers wife, shot dead in the night still clutching the carving knife, that cut of the tails of those three blind mice.

And so it begins, or so here it ends, just like three blind mice, hunted by the farmers wife, who in turn becomes the hunted, the society in which we choose to dwell, but for the fear of something afterwards, that unknown place from whose borne no traveler will return, makes us suffer those ills we have as oppose to fly to others we know not of. (Ok I bluntly pinched that bit from Shakspere, but his words fit where mine fall short).

And so they all lived happily ever after, exept the farmers wife who is dead, the three blind mice who lost there tails, and the people who lost the very reason for life it’s self.

The end.

Empty days

Day by day I am losing the will to continue, loosing my way and loosing myself in this tangled up nightmare that has become increasingly more my life, my soul and very being. I am lost in a web that day by day becomes more tight, more gripping, more dark and I really do not know now if it will ever be possible to escape.

When you fall on the outside, being from the outside its even harder to get back on the inside, in a crazy sense the world is doomed. Never have I been so far away from myself than I am at this point in my life, I feel like I have lost all sense of purpose all sense of being, all sence of self.

The depths of some form of depression sweep over me, having worked all my life to find myself out of work and unable to find work, my whole reason for being is eroded. I have to endure the pain of seeking government help, having questions and being probed and prodded, my life stripped out and analysed, just to eat.

All of my life I have worked, one job two jobs even three all in the main to stay afloat, and now I find myself sinking with nothing to show for all those years and having to beg from a system I hate.

Night after night slips now easily into day after day, hours matter not, seconds slip they could be weeks, I lose myself and all direction. I am finding it harder and harder to wake in a morning and when I do that black cloud descends, and grips strangling the very seeds of hope from deep within.

I am failing at interviews as my own self sence of worth fails me, as rejection after rejection eats like acid at my very core, this my friends is a black place, a place I hope you never get to see.

I have a constant hunger yet eat little more than toast as I can not buy more food. My rent is over due two days now and I do not know how I will clear it, prehaps just a matter of time before even the walls slip away.

I try to stay positive to think positive drive and drag myself forward as job after job I apply for, I dont even care what I do any more! I applied for a cleaning job, hell its something to do! But too qualified for this and I would leave as soon as something else comes up, they are probably right but dont they see? I have a need to work!

It’s so complex out there, the whole of society falls apart bit by bit and yet we seem unable to comprehend this, unable to see what is before our eyes! I realised the whole of my life has revolved around work and when the work is gone there is nothing left! I can now wake in a morning and speak to no one, day by day, prehaps my voice is lost.

I have no internet connection in the place I dwell, all had to stop expense I could no longer justify, I have to seek out space in a library to search the web, one hour slots as the world slips by.

My thoughts as my blog make no sense, I am truly lost in the wilderness of me looking at a person I no longer see as me, I loose the very will to live.

Another passing day…more thoughts….

Another day slips past, another interview this time stepping back to bar work, and I doubt it went that well of course they want to know why from here to bar work, and see me only temporary, I was hoping this one would pull through just for cash at least to tide things over.

I am deeply worried now as the end of the month both my phone bill is due and rent, though I have cut back on everything I still will not make the money up and I had to borrow more from the little I have to pay the bus fare for this interview.

I am scourging round like mad searching desperately for anything, data entry, bar work, cleaning I dont care I just need to work. At least if I can get something I can use this to search for longer prospects and decide from there.

Its so desperately hard to hold on, I never was loaded but always had money in the bank and could do things I wanted, to a reason, now I have nothing after working all these years, this in itself does not bother me, if I got work I could once more with determination and drive drag me back up again, its the fact that no matter how hard I try I dont seem to be getting anywhere and day by day the hole gets deeper.

Waves of depression wash over me and then despair, I dont know how to cope or what to do from here. Daily now I walk down to the library and search the jobs sites, trawl through e-mails and search and search for work, yet nothing comes and I despair alone and lost.

I have always felt locked out of life, often like I am waiting for it to begin, always waiting for something that never comes, now I found a new kind of locked out where alone I wander in the wilderness the world alight around and all that meets my eyes is darkness.

I have this urge to run, to set myself free, but run where and how? One thing for sure I know that once my path way turns around, if I manage to drag my way through this, I will depart this dreadful country, and its systems and ways, gawd life would be so much easier if I could slip away to some remote tribe and live free with nature, instead of trapped by this concrete jungle thats grown so fat upon the fruits of fruitlessness that it fails to see its self. Break free the grip of so called modern living with its pointless over complex and downright naive views, that feeds the rich and starves the poor, would much rather throw away than give away, and slip away to simple life where by the quality there in lies with in the blessing of the day.

I guess it is not till you find yourself in the outside, in a mess that you really start to see this place for what it is and how crazy it all is, I have always known its crazy but never saw just how far it went! It is madness that has become so complicated that the very reason we are here has become lost, forgotten, left in pieces on the cutting room floor.

Religion fights religion, person fights person, company fights consumer, I can not help but being reminded of vultures tearing away the very heart of life itself, and all the time more rules to patch up the holes to tighten the grip to patch up more holes to make more rules, its like society no longer exists in reality but just in some giant journal that fills itself more and more each passing second, will the rules ever end or will we simply run out of words?

I need a job…..!!!!!

Thoughts that pass with in the night

Shadows dance with in the dead of night as time evades there grasp, I am finding myself more and more seeking answers from a god that no longer seems to care.

My search for work seems fruitless and the money is all gone, I can not make ends meet and am slipping further and further inside myself, time outside is painful time I no longer find the need or indeed desire to leave the house, though I must.

I have to wonder now if I am being somehow punished for the mistakes for the past, prehaps some kind of divine intervention that leaves me high and dry. I search through the very depths of my mind to find answers to questions I long since forgot, and desire to be any place but this place now.

darkness comes in bouts, that blocks clear thought and reason, if indeed reason could behold the thought itself and breath forth once more new life there in. For so many years has my mind been active, always something on the boil, stripping with pure reason the thoughts right back to bone, to understand and know, to reason and to question, yet now there is nothing and my mind it yearns for thought, for things to stimulate and demand it and so to now with lack of stimulation it turns upon itself and draws forth blood from deep within.

I seem to be stuck in this rut, I am too qualified for the roles in past I followed and yet under qualified for the next step, so one side passes me over feeling I need more and the other side does not think I am quite there! Catch 22 indeed lives now with in my life full-time and I am trapped with in the rules that define the very rules they set out to protect.

I wonder if I am going insane, my mind it races on and on and rips itself apart, I fill it with books, sweet words from text unknown, it devours with fresh breath and bait and still the hunger lingers on. I find myself more and more locked in this other world with in myself a world that I carve day by day, where sunshine falls and drowns the troubles of  yesterday gone by.

Another annoying fact about been out of work is those people who say we will let you know either way after interview and then never call and you are left dangling like a spider on a web, over and over on and on, do they want me, dont they want me? Always checking the phone, every second just in case you miss that call, just in case they call! and of course the call it never comes.

I call out to a god that I am now sure has long since abandoned ship, departed gone or is off having some holiday some place, after all making this great bodge he made called earth, must have been hard work, its not easy getting something so far wrong this! I call out to help me, guide my pathway back, a chance to give a job, its not hard, but nothing comes interviews come and go, calls never come back and the feed back I get, like one I really wanted is we do not feel we would be doing you justice in offering you the job….!

Something has to give and fast, my heads a mess, my thoughts are lost and all I see is dancing shadows of the pale moonlight.

Still no job…!

Time slips now fast, and I am struggling to hold on as still the storm rages on with no sign of ease. Things have slipped from bad to worse as the world spins on and on. desperately searching work it seems I am to qualified for some and underqualified for another, Its simple I just want a job!

I am alone in this darkness now and finding  day by day the will to travel on much drained, I am struggling now to step out side, with people and with thoughts, the shadows of yesterday return to steal away there prey and feast in the deadness of night.

More and more time slips and I simply now do not know how I will pay the rent next month, already skipping food to make ends meet, I am drowning fast and there seems now no way out.

Its a hard feeling going from on high, having money and a life to quite literally being left with nothing and no where to turn. No where to run.

I have no internet connection now at home, or the place that somehow seems to serve as my self made prison, so my entry’s will be slow though I will try and post when I gain chance.

I am still trying to understand myself and change the very core where rot set in, the first time in ages I made that journey back to parents land for a wedding of my sister and played my part, listened to words, no longer with a burning hate, but eyes to see and thoughts to think, though the picture I painted of my world was far from what it is, I guess I still need to focus on the image still. I think the important step was to make it there and stand and see, mistakes of yesterday bring forth new life and growth with in if we take forth the lessons learned.

Lessons from the Darkness

Before the mirror, the myriad of life I stood and staring back at me was a person that I did not know. Somehow through all the changing places, the changing faces of my life I have lost who I am, I have lost the only thing I ever strived to keep and that is me.

Its easy to blame the mistakes of tomorrow on the failings of the past, on the failings of others, if my childhood had been filled with happiness, if those that were parents, were actually parents, would things have really turned out differently? Would I be a different person?

Through all this blackness that descends me now I am searching for the lessons that I must learn, and searching for myself. I have lost both direction and purpose, reason and rhythm an empty vessel searching for something to fill it, yet I do not know what that filling is.

Stripping back the layers, the many changing faces, I cant say that I am at all happy with my life, the way it was and still is. I am not the person I was yesterday, nor the person I will be tomorrow. I have done many things in my life much blackness follows me much damage lays in my wake. I have moved from place to place, being one thing then another, changing faces of the lost and unknown, I have been many things to many people in many places, but I have never been myself, I simply swap and change to fit the place and then skip town and move on, if there is one thing that I am good at, that is running.

As a child I learnt to run, I learnt to hide, to hide my true feelings and never show weakness, I learnt to run from the passing blow, and the words that stung more than any broken bone, or smashed up dream, these skills I learnt I used in adult life and have spent my time building islands in the sand, shape changing, never laying foundations, trading one face for another, one life for another. Is it really fair to blame this thing that I see in the mirror, on my parents on the childhood I never had? Is it fair to fill myself with bitterness and regret for all the things I wanted but could never have? Is it fair to say that who I have become is the result of a childhood that never was, a result of hours and hours of silent tears, when all I sought was love? If I am honest, the answer I am afraid is it is not.

It is a fact that I am a wild flower, I never benefited from the nurture of a garden flower, I never received the love and attention given to ones prize rose bush, I was never groomed and bread, but left out in the wilderness to find my own way, left in the darkness always on the outside looking in. So often as a child did I dream inside my mind of this perfect life where by I wrote the world, and had the perfect life. The problem was as I grew I never stopped writing that world inside my mind, so instead of finding me, I simply swapped my face for the mask of another, and shape shifted through life.

I have done many things, most of which I am at best ashamed of, though I never took from another, never sucked the life from another as often I have seen done, never drained the very core of another dry, as some in this world seem disposed to do and whom for some reason always seem to come out on top. I have hurt people, both in a physical way and emotional way, but then again I guess we all have, but I have never really been who I am.

Somewhere in the wilderness I have lost myself, in all the changing faces, in all the changing story’s of a world that I never really felt I belonged in I have completely lost my way. I used to dream about doing something positive with my life, of changing the world, of making some kind of impact, of taking away the hurt that I felt as a child from others, so far what have I done? Simply nothing but inflict in ways the very hurt that I so wished to avoid.

I have to stand back and ask myself, am I a bad person? again in honesty I can not really answer this question. I never set out to hurt, but somehow in trying to live I have caused hurt. I am an angry person, another vital skill from my childhood, I learnt to fight and as I have mentioned before, when the red blood calls, I simply slip in to a person that scares even me, but on the flip side I hold morals, for years I saw my Dad batter my Mum who in turn battered me and then for good measure the dad battered me again, I have had my head slammed through a window, to be told this was my fault and felt the sting of the belt buckle across my face, yet no matter how angry I have become, no matter how frustrated never once have I raised my hand in anger to any partner, or indeed any female for that matter. There are times when I have slammed my fist repeatably into a wall, till blood fell and bones broke, but I have always swore that I would never inflict what I saw befall my mother. I have never fought with an innocent, just for fun, just to prove that I can, I know I can and that is all that matters. So where does this leave me on my journey to find myself?

I think I have to accept there are parts of my life now that I can not change, there are elements of the past that I am down right ashamed of and these things, though they taunt me in the dead of night, I have to write off with the understanding that from those times I must learn, and I think in my own kind of way I have learnt.

I also have to accept that the childhood I wanted, I will never have and I have to accept the time for running is over, and that I must stand and look at myself and start to heal, and that I must find my way again. I must also accept that this road is not going to be the easiest to travel, but to gain any real happiness in my life, to calm the sea’s to travel it I must.

I have to let go of the past and stop holding on to the bitterness that consumes, To accept what was and move forwards. I have to drop the changing faces, lay down the mask that once I wore to protect me and then find myself, the who and what I am, the person I have never been, because I have always been to afraid to stand out in the open.

I need to peal back the layers, lose the years and breath as me, but to strip back the coats, pull back the years of protection and find what I think I already know the answer to scares the hell out of me, but in order to be to really be free, I don’t think I have much option left, more years of endless misery or a chance of being happy with me.

I think my time in this darkness draws from me lessons to be learnt and with all the pieces on the floor, I must now set about reassembling them so that when I stand before that mirror once more, instead of a strange staring back at me, for the first time in my life I see myself standing there, staring back at me.

Blood Hounds Hunt

“When troubles come they come not single spies but in battalion’s”

How true this seems to be, as blood hounds run and rain sets in. The skies once blue, now over cast and black spill rains upon the shores beneath, water logged and drenched soils can no longer cope and all that once was solid slips fast and hard away.

Everywhere now darkness casts its shadow, draws in its breath and sucks once sweet life from the lungs of the weak and the lost, the innocent and forgotten. Anger rages deep inside me, everything now seems impossible, life now wet with rains that pour and pour slips from my fingers fast, day by day I find it harder to hold on.

Ropes entangle inside my mind mix up the reasonable and the rational with outside thoughts and darkness call, normal thought becomes squeezed out and I am loosing the very thread of all that is for all that was, in a world where nothing makes sense. Day by day the craziness becomes more crazy and day by day we battle on, trying to fight the inevitable.

Death stay no longer from my door and hear my call, let time no longer tick, let breath no longer fill my lungs, be still my beating heart and sleep eternal find your way inside, call me down, bring me in and down to bear. I no longer want this crazy world, trapped by walls that bear on in every passing second, squeeze and push all the fight from with in.

Dreams are plauged now with worrys of what tommorrow will bring, and tommorrows passing brings in more worrys that fall to dreams and all become one, the colours drain, life expands and no more do I want this, no more do I need this, No more I scream and scream into skies eternal, filled with darkness and the pouring rain.

On and on this world spins, credit, finance, money driven now with greed that its so far out of control, every day they come and take more and more, when there is still nothing less they come for more and more, they invent and twist the rules to turn and feed themselves, we are all lost, lost in this mess.

Banks spun and spurned now what befalls the globe, and do they suffer? Record profits shown, rewarding themselves for bad behaviour, feeding themselves on charges from the poor and the vulnerable, stealing now the very food from our mouths, anything to clamor for more and more, the greed.

“When sorrows come they come not singles spy’s but in battalions”

Too Lost to be saved…….

Lost once more in the darkness, this is my time in the wild, I am too far gone now to be saved, to really save myself.

The shadows beckon, once I tried to run, now I return, return to what I know. The darkness beckons, it is where I belong, the place from which I came, of where I belong.

For years I have stood on the outside looking in, always lost in the wilderness, standing at the windows looking in at the unattainable, the happy normal life I never had, nor could ever aspire to. For years I have run from the lost and broken child, battered half to death by “parents” that care, for years all I have sought is to live in the normal world like the normals do.

I have tried and tried, until now so tiered of trying I rolled those dice and gambled hard, the world fell in and now seeks once more to strangle me, you would think after years of trying I would be wise, creatures of the shadows have no place in the light, and when they step forth and try, the very light itself will seek to destroy and drain all life from with in.

I am too lost to be saved, to hard to care, never before have I been surrounded by so many people yet been so alone, and the pain inside, the thoughts that run through my mind, this is my time in the wild, back in the ground that I belong, I am the huner, the shadow of the night, I am too lost to be saved.