New House, DIY and stuff!

•July 9, 2016 • 3 Comments

Rain, Rain and more Rain, typical British Summer! I am giving some serious thought to booking a few weeks in Greece again this year. Having just bought a new house and putting down 50% of the purchase price, I prehaps should not be spending money on a holiday, but I am sick of this rain, I just want some sun and there is still so much more of Greece I want to explore.

The new house is starting to feel like home, though I desperately want to get to work on the garden, I am thinking of adding a veranda to the conservatory (with a roof….to combat the rain). A little like below:-


I was talking this through with “New Friend” she thinks we can actually build this between us…..(which basically means she will do all the technical stuff, and I will just do what I am told)……still makes me laugh just how practical that girl is, last week she was teaching me how to use a drill. Of course I have used drills before, but not for the reason they were intended……..!

The rest of the garden (currently covered in slate chippings) I intend to lay a lawn, put in some feature borders add a water feature and some lighting and bring in a vegetable garden.

The house is a mix of eco-friendly and traditional, for example the heating system / water system has two options, either the gas boiler or a solid fuel burner, the electric links both into the national grid or solar panels, I can switch between the two, so I am thinking that growing my own veg etc….is in fitting with the house.

I have also bought /obtained  a few items of furniture, destined to be destroyed which I have started to restore and I am kind of enjoying doing that.

I am also strangely enjoying time with new friend, just getting to know her and with out the mask of who I used to be or some secret hanging over me, with her I can be completely honest,we have talked a lot, she knows who I was, the things I did…. we just talk and I don’t have to hide from her….kind of strange as outside of my old life…she is the first person that knows it all and still sees some reason to be my friend….!


Change and doing it better?

•July 8, 2016 • 2 Comments

Change is always difficult, as people we struggle with change, we struggle to adapt and all to often change is forced upon us by the outside world and we simply must adapt or fade away.

For me it’s slightly different, though the world around me changed, I had to choose to change the way I lived and the person that I had become, I looked in the mirror and all I saw was this thing, looking back at me, the thing I was, a whole person I did not recognise,  a whole a myriad of broken worlds, broken promises….empty masks that I once wore,promises I failed to keep…it was always too easy to just keep moving on.

One lie becomes another, one world moulds into the next, yet nothing is real when emotion just don’t fit in a bag.

I never did emotion, it was easier that way a world of nothing means nothing.

May be it was my broken childhood, may be its just me, I do not know and I will never have the answers, fact of life, I am an emotionless creature….that climbs from face to face,one mask to another.

I can not change that, I can not go back and rewrite my past, plant roses in a garden full of shit, I can not undo the things I did.

I had to face change,but I also had to choose to make change.

Not easy for a monster like me, not easy embracing emotion when you have never carried that bag or facing the things you have done or the hurt you have caused…..sometimes I just wanted my mask and to run, but I have never run from a fight and I had to fight not only the world but the shadows and darkness in me.

I ran from myself, but we can not fight ourselves for ever? We can not run forever and the masks get thin.

Stopping myself and finding the real me, that was my battle, along the way life helped but not an easy road to navigate.

Today I still struggle, but its a different world, I call in to see my sister and my tiny nephews run up to hug me, put their tiny arms around me and say we love you Uncle D, may be its cos I spoil them or may be it’s because we have fun together, they are kids!

My brothers now call me, talk about there lives, little bro had a slight problem and we sorted it, his wife is now having a baby, new nephew or niece due at Christmas and the two of the will be amazing parents, such a far cry from our childhood.

My friend was in a mess, and felt able to talk to me.

The mother, I have always struggled with any bond there because of stuff I still struggle with, is starting to talk and we are rebuilding bridges and the guy who was a proper Dad to my brothers and sisters still amazes me, If I can do half as much as that guy did for us,then at least I have done something that matters….! He is one amazing guy and despite all my stuff… history as I moved in to the new house….he garbed me hugged me and was like I am proper proud of you son….I can not do emotion but that made me cry…so I did what I do and kicked the f@ck out of some outbuildings that needed to go….I can not do raw emotion…I am still learning the path….but that cut!

I have always had girls on tap, bit of raw sex when I needed it, or just a random bar, grab someone……but it never mattered….today I was looking through my contacts and realised I don’t want that anymore….I want to be there for my friends…but I am also quite lonley…..Never really felt that before….a random shag….Just not enough!

That change kind of worries me…….!

I have tried to change myself for the better….but no dirty hot girls????? arghhhhh


Keeping it real?

•July 5, 2016 • 2 Comments

We Blind ourselves to the truth, because we are weak and we hope, but there is no hope for love. Love ends in betrayal, now and always.

Chatting with a friend today, she was horrifically raped, we are not just talking the act in itself, which is bad enough, but so much more, I wont go into details, as I don’t think she would appreciate that, but what she went through, would be enough to drive even the most sane of us, to insanity.

Still she is fighting  to regain her life,or some semblance of who she was and I don’t think I have ever seen a person so destroyed, her resolve puts my tiny battles to shame, I cried and hurt over some girl, that in effect was nothing.

Her battle is so much bigger, her daily struggle so much harder.

She has talked only of this to myself and two other people and I want to explain how amazing this girl is, when she told me, she took my hand, with tears in her eyes and a visible shake, her words were “I need to talk to you, but you have to promise me, you wont get crazy on me, or throw away everything you have done to change yourself, that would mess me up even more, and I need you now as my friend, f@ck I need something, I can not do this on my own….you have to promise me “D”….please just be my friend, don’t go nuts on me…..promise me”

At the time I just thought may be her puppy had died or something dumb like that…. Ok I am a guy….Not really known for being sensitive…!

But as she sat and talked, the story unfolded, I realised how wrong I was and in those moments I don’t think I have ever been so angry, I wanted to hunt this guy down, by the time I had finished not even his own mother would recognise him….yet I had made her a promise and despite my own crazy head, I couldn’t throw away that trust, or the promise I made. I let Carla-Janye down, she cut upwards in her arms and caught the next bus out of here, I wont make that mistake again.

So after a smoke, I put my arms around her and made good my promise all the time wishing I could save her from the world, take away the pain and see my friend smile, take this away from her….but I can’t and I can’t end her suffering or the damage done, I can’t even make it right….I can only do what she asked….be her friend, be there when it matters.

“Love ends in betrayal now and always, but close friends bond with blood always and forever”

I honestly don’t know how I can help her, but I am glad she felt able to talk to me, and I will do what ever I can, because this stuff matters…..and her strength amazes me!

United we fall, Divided we stand.

•June 24, 2016 • 1 Comment

Today for me marks a sad day in the history of the UK, today is the day that scare mongering and hate, replaced common sense.

Today is the day when the country voted to leave the EU.

I watched with a sense of sadness and grief, throughout the night as the votes came and it became clear, “The Exit campaign” had won.

I do not normally blog about political stuff, I tend to write more about the crazy things that go through my head, but today I feel compelled to say something. Though today many people  feel united, I don’t think we as people have ever been so divided, between the natural humanity of life and this in-built sense of hate.

As dawn approached and the normals woke, Facebook became full of uneducated and ill thought out posts, preaching inadvertently hate and division, something as a society and social system we should have left behind long ago.

Personally I don’t think the decision was made for the right reason’s, the focus was not on the reality of our membership of the EU, but on the marginal, ideology of a perceived fracture in our society.

In short we blamed the EU for an under funded NHS and an influx of “Migrants”. We took a debate that should have been left for a general election, to the polls and voiced our descent.

One thing is clear from the results, a majority of the UK is unhappy with the status quo, but unless we take that energy and anger, point it towards a more viable solution all we do is further chaos.

I can not help but wonder if someone has opened the doors to the lunatic asylum, handed out Valium and said to the crazy’s take center stage and run the world.

The vote was blinded by ignorance, like an exit would stem the tide of migrants, magic walls around the UK would go up over night….the borderes are closed….and people no longer have the right to seek a better life, or protect their family’s, from a wars we created many, many years ago.

There becomes, inadvertently two levels of life, where one has chosen to become elite, all be it inadvertently.

It’s not so much the failings of the people, but the failings of the political system, more should have been done to  integrate migration, not enough opening a door, saying you are here now, get on with it and expecting it to work.

There is so much that I could say, yet I find today so little words.

We as humanity and as a race, have never been so divided in our own unification, hate seems to be the favoured choice and I am not so sure that s I world I want to be a part of….today I am sadly glad that I never had children….because what are leaving behind.

A choice made, lost in the wrong reasons….I just hope we can find our way back….and remember each life is just as important as our own…..!

On that note, I plan on opening a beer, getting very drunk and once the reality of my actions kick in (HANG OVER TIME)…..Like the rest of the UK once it sees the reality of its actions…..wonder why the hell I did that!

The first time in years I took the time to vote….”Remain”


The New House!!!!!

•June 17, 2016 • 2 Comments


After some initial set backs, I am finally now moved into the new house and slowly getting sorted, its starting to look more like home!

There are months worth of work to get the place exactly how I want and some logistical problems that I have had to work around for now, such as having to buy a separate fridge and freezer as there was no immediate place to put my fridge / freezer unit!

The garden sadly will have to wait till next year before I can tackle that, but I am already putting together plans in my mind.

I think the solid fuel burner in the kitchen is my favorite feature of the new house, I actually can’t wait till winter falls and I can light that bad boy, it also doubles up as a heating system for the central heating and water, so I can switch between the main boiler or the solid fuel burner!

I have an old set of draws, which I have stripped back down to the natural wood, these draws once belonged to my Great Nanna, who lived on this street for many, many, years and in a oddly romantic kind of way, I think its nice they have ended up back on this street.

Also my Grandma sorted through her kitchen and gave me some of my granddad’s old cooking things, he liked to experiment with different types of cooking, so although this new house is my future, I bring with me a part of the people / family that have always ment a lot too me.

On my next post I will add some photos of the progress so far and spend some time catching up on the blogs I have missed!

The Waiting Game……

•May 27, 2016 • 2 Comments

And so the waiting begins today, hopefully completion day, if nothing else goes wrong, I should have the keys to the new house!

Something very frustrating about waiting around for things, like yesterday sat around waiting on a delivery and that moment I got in the shower….the inevitable knock at my door!

May be after today I can relax a little, or if things go wrong just book me a couple of weeks in Greece! I would like to go back to Rhodes and explore more of the island!

And so here we sit on the brink of tomorrow,unaware of what is to come and just hoping that the choices that lead us here,were the right choices!

New Friends, new skills and how wrong we get people!

•May 26, 2016 • 1 Comment

I don’t think I have ever been this stressed in my life, this house move has become a nightmare, contracts should have been exchanged last week, I had even booked time of work to move.

Then the sellers hit a legal issue and things were up in the air, the whole thing delayed! To cut a long story shorted contracts exchanged this week and ceteris paribus we should complete tomorrow, though I am not holding my breath until I have the keys!

I think I would have gone crazy this week, I know by now what I am like and at times like this I don’t cope well and I fall back to what I know, drinking and fighting! If it had not been for new friend, I guess I would probably be sat in a police cell, not writing a blog post!

She’s made the effort to call round, message and phone, help me keep my balance, when otherwise I would have gone crazy!

As we have got to know each other a little more, I think we are both amazed at how much we originally misjudged each other. How we actually got talking is a funny little story, I will reserve for another time!

She came around the other day as I was blasting Metallica and cleaning the fridge, just broke down in fits of laughter, uncontrollable, rather puzzling laughter, when she finally pulled herself together and could talk…. she was like “You are covered in Tattoo’s, the local thug….half the village think you are crazy, the rest are afraid of you….and here you are cleaning your fridge!”

If I don’t clean it, it don’t get cleaned? She had come around for dinner and I wont go into the hysterics of when she discovered not only was I cooking proper food, but also using the juice from the meat to make gravy. She honestly thought I was going to order take away and pass it off, or microwave a meal…she would have to pretend to love!

That amused me!

I inadvertently agreed to help her out this week with some decorating, assuming I would be doing the bulk of the work while she painted her nails and moaned about the mess! How f@cking wrong did I get that!

I arrived to find her with a rather dangerous looking tool, removing the wooden dado rail from the center of the wall……”Here garb this and start at that end, just don’t damage the plaster” I honestly have no idea what I should do with this thing, apart from remove somebody’s knee caps!

Once again she laughs and is teaching me how to use it, guiding my hands, showing me when to apply pressure, when to ease off and how to get this rail off without damaging the wall.

How very wrong I had got this girl! I am laughing and she is like….”If I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done….since I have done most of the work, you can sort lunch”

Looking through her fridge and cupboards, there is little I can do with boil in a bag rice and instant porridge….so we we head back to mine and I sort us out a spicy chicken salad as she invites herself for dinner!

The rest of the afternoon consists for her showing me how to remove wallpaper and ceiling paper without a hammer and chisel! and a dinner of salmon with a hollandaise sauce and fresh veg!

I am actually enjoying spending time with her, just getting to know her as a new friend…and I like the fact she is as crazy as me! I had said to her….no early morning run on Monday as I set my alarm for 4am to  watch Game of Thrones! (we are both into this!)….3.30am and someone is throwing stones at my bedroom window,  as I look out it’s her….she is actually trying to climb in through the window….and I am like let me open the door….but she was saying its more fun this way! So we are laid on my bed, eating pizza and watching Game of Thrones!

I forgot how much I missed this and realised how isolated I have become!

So when things went wrong with the house move, I can feel myself getting angry…and I am thinking pub….where I know I will drink too much and probably wreck the place, I call her and she is like give me 5 mins… we spend the evening drinking wine, comparing music and talking.

So even if it goes wrong tomorrow……I know I don’t have to deal with it alone, go crazy….I can just call her as my new friend she will be there as I would be there for her….and may be that’s what life is about!

Since Carla-Jayne its been hard!