Stopped ….!

•November 13, 2020 • 1 Comment

I stopped coming here, I stopped writing, I just stopped.

There once was a time where I thought I knew better, there was even a time where I bought into the dream, I stopped standing on the outside looking in and became a part of something much bigger, or so I thought, but like the false reality I once created, none of it was real, nothing lasts forever.

It started with a “Once upon a time” but there never was and never will be “They all lived happily ever after” It is what it is.

So I stopped.

Then came COVID and the world changed, I thought I had conditioned myself to the emptiness, the endless nothingness, after all this is what I created, this is what I did.

Something else I got wrong, I could no more cope with that crater of emptiness then I could the reality of life.

When you live your life moving between “Paper Towns”, being “Paper Towns” not even crafting a Lucille (Walking Dead) can save you from yourself.

Lucille and I can fight the Zombies, (I am still waiting for the Zombies)…..but I can not fight the reality of who I have become and the darkness that is me, in fact its not the reality of who I have become, it is the reality of me……so I stopped.

And nobody lived happily ever after!

Now I need to restart, I just wanted to stay stopped….but I can’t and I have run out of “Paper Towns” the battery is drained, the alternator screwed and the tires are flat and I have no one left to blame but me.

Somehow I need to restart.

Lock Down….

•May 9, 2020 • 2 Comments

So far away from blogging world, I even had to reset my password….

I never before saw how bat shit crazy my mind often becomes, yet at the same time I am seeing life so differently….kind of like putting down a John Green book….where you spend the next few days questioning every choice you ever made! (Looking For Alaska….if you want a good read)….

Looking now I see a new clarity every mistake, every bad choice, everything I ever got wrong….I thought before this I was getting better at being a person, now I have to ask, am I making the same mistakes again…..?

Haunted by the past ….and horrified at the reality of the choices I once made..once I wandered in the darkness now I am lost in the maze of my own mind …on one hand I ask for forgiveness….on the other I can not forgive myself !

Crossing paths

•April 2, 2017 • 2 Comments

When the Seventh seal is opened and the Seventh Angel rides on a white horse into battle, Satan and his lies.

The Seven Angels shout from heaven up above, as the horseman slays the devil and the whole world shall be judged.

Now there are angels all around us that try to save our souls, we do not hear their voices, they whisper way too low, but the devil he shouts loudly for all the world to hear, tells us that it’s all good and there is nothing we should fear.

There is a straight and narrow pathway that leads to paradise, or the broad and traveled highway that leads to your demise.

Its been a while but that’s the real killer about time, we have so much and yet so little.

Yet with the little that we have oft we choose “the broad and traveled highway that leads to our demise.”

J and I have known each other for many, many, years though at times our paths have wandered in different directions, yet somehow through the twisted fabrics of time, the rich and crazy tapestry of life seems to bring our paths back together and for a little while we travel a distance no longer alone, exchanging our stories over the campfires of night.

Its been that time of late, when are sharing our journey together, catching up, reflecting. There is no logical reason why our paths seem to be intertwined, just one of those things.

J’s story is long and dark, involving several nervous breakdowns and 14 suicide attempts, she now limps through every day in a lithium induced state, virtually devoid of the girl, I once knew when our paths last crossed.

No matter how far humanity attempts to move forward, we always seem to slip backwards. It’s not so much what we do in life as such, but what we do to others, the scars and the damage we often leave behind, that reaches beyond the moment and ripples outwards for years to come. A never-ending echo.

Years and years locked away in a bedroom, in vast and isolated farm-house, in the name of “love.”

Yet how can someone profess to love the very thing they are systematically destroying? Lies, deceit, violence, darkness, cleverly crafted into a potent potion of normality, so far estranged from the reality of the concept it set out to achieve.

When something so bad becomes so “normal” that life with out it then becomes abnormal.

Then there follows the endless isolation, the rhetoric of “Should have got out of there,” “I would never have put up with that,” Always so easy to advice when you are on the outside looking in, never the same when you are there, living the moment yourself.

A twisted world of horror’s untold, carved into the very soul and mind of another, so much so that J thinks to live with out it is worse than to live with it.

As people why do we do this too each other? surely when someone chooses to share a part of their life, a part of their soul with you, we should treasure that, honour it and leave only good in our wake?

For now, J and I sit besides the campfires, while the storms inside her mind are subdued by the lithium, she talks and I listen and that is all I can give her, like time so little and yet so much.

When early morning sun begins to rise and the flames of the fire die down, once more our paths will part and our journey will continue in different directions, until the next time our paths are drawn together.

I walk through the valley of the shadow of death and I fear no evil, because I am blind to it all, and my mind and my gun they comfort me, because I know I will kill my enemies when they come.

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life? and I will dwell on this earth forever more,

I walk besides the still waters and they restore my soul, but I can’t walk on the path of the right because I am wrong.

No I can’t walk on the path of the right, because I am wrong.

Expanding possibility…….

•October 19, 2016 • 4 Comments

Its been a while since I came here, truth be told, there is so much happening in the lives of those around me, that I am struggling to keep up. Not that I mind, I just hope that I am helping make things a little better.

In life I think all we can do is try to leave things a little better than we found them.

As time passes, I am finding more and more my outlook and perception of the world is changing, the way I see things has become much broader, not everything boils down to a simple binary code of (0 or 1), but there is a whole diversity in-between, a myriad of light between the poles and I am struggling to keep up.

Nothing is a simple as it once was, yet everything is more simple when I simply stop trying to apply age-old definitions to an ever-expanding view of life.

An apple is an apple right? But it’s not, one apple from the same tree can taste so different to another apple and yet the existence of the two, if we forget the perception of “how it should taste” only serves to make the experience of taste that much more pleasurable.

I am finding this with people, indeed even with in myself. Where as once it was a case of “0 & 1’s” now I see a whole realm of possibilities some that exist without definition, the whole spectrum of light, ever evolving colours makes a much more interesting read. It makes us who we are rather than what we are.

I am no longer a 0 or a 1, I no longer see the world as a print of 0 and 1’s and that’s ok because I was never a 0 or a 1 and I doubt in reality may people are.

In a sea of endless possibilities it puzzles me why we hold on to such a small cross-section, surfing on a wave of 0 / 1’s and not sailing on the ocean of life, exploring the endless possibilities this ocean has to offer.

No journey is ever the same, no person is ever the same, the way we think, the way we feel, the way we see.

For so many years I tried to find myself behind the mask, looking for a reality in me defined by 0 or 1, pre constructed outdated ideological social construct when all the time I was simply not being.

It matters not identifying as a 0 or 1, even an 8 or 9, what matters is the reality behind the person, the soul and heartbeat of our own self-identity, each adding flavours to the dynamic drink of life.

There can be no right or wrong, because there is no 0 or 1 just an endless flow of possibilities, a whole myriad of light that flows to form the changing face of tomorrow. It’s in accepting this, standing free and tall that we can alow the light to flow in us and the light to flow out.

Weighing things up……!

•September 2, 2016 • 3 Comments


As we develop in life it becomes more and more important, to weigh up the consequences of our behaviour, the implications of our actions.

There will always be regrets in life, things we oft wish we could have done better, tried a little harder at, or had not even done in the first place.

As time spins it starts to become more and more important to weigh up the odds, make each choice and action better, so each outcome becomes that little bit higher than the one before and the world becomes that little bit better each and every second of each and every day.

I think if we stop doing this, carry on blindly doing the same things, we cease to live and simply relax in a status quo of existence and a life half lived.

There are some things I need to consider and factors over and above my own sence of happiness that must be considered.

I don’t think it’s ever right to blindly steal your own happiness at the expense of another’s, and even more so to knowingly do that.

Nor is it ever right to gloat on another’s unhappiness, even if you feel justified in the outcome.

There is a situation, that I need to weigh up and the choices I make have to be the right.

Should I choose to act, then I secure a deeper happiness and also that of the primary objective, but in so doing also create knowingly an unhappiess for others, which I have no right to do.

If I choose not to act, the status quo goes on and the primary objective lays trapped with in an unhappy state, but the happiness of the world around remains and so the whole point of the exercise in itself becomes pointless and nothing changes.

The deeper implication is that the primary objective matters deeply and to that end I do not wish to see unhappiness, by doing nothing the happiness around stays in place but the unhappiness of the primary objective remains, so in effect I end up doing the very thing I set out not to do, but with a view to the greater good.

If I do nothing for me personally nothing changes, my world remains the same, though I will add to my list of “What if’s!” though I do lose the chance of a much deeper happiness

If I choose to act, then I secure the happiness of the primary objective and that of my own, but in so doing create unhappiness in another realm and I can’t even guarantee the new-found happiness will last, after all nothing is guaranteed in life. So It could all then be for nothing

Then there is also the fact by acting the explosion itself will not stay contained in a select little bubble, but will have implications in many other little bubbles. “The butterfly effect.”

If only we could know what is right, before it is pointless actually knowing it.

I think I need a drink after this!

An art that nature makes? or same old same old?

•September 1, 2016 • 1 Comment

“Yet nature is made better by no mean, But nature makes that mean: so, over that art which you say adds to nature, is an art that nature makes. You see sweet maid, we marry a gentler scion to the wildest stock, and make conceive a bark of baser kind by bud of nobler race: this is an art which does mend nature, change it rather, but the art itself is nature.”

(The Winters Tale, William Shakespeare)

Out of all Shakespeare’s plays, I think The Winters Tale resonates as my favorite. I love the tragedy and anger of youth, fading to the romance and ideal of age.

A tragic love story, with a happy end.

It’s hard to believe it’s September and already this year has changed so much of my life, so many words and yet so little time.

I was reading the other day about a new planet that has been discovered, one that could possibly host life. It is thought the planet is deemed to live on, long after our own Sun has burnt out and thus will outlive Earth.

The thing that hit me most about the article was the assumption already that this could be a new home for the future of humanity, like we have some kind of right to just go out there and claim this planet as our own.

Through the course of our own history have we ever learnt? Once we built boats and took are flags, planted them down on new lands, claiming them, creating a two tier system, us as the dominant race and the natives as the “savage race”  took the lands, destroyed the culture, enslaving the people, because our way is right????

Decades later we have the rise of groups like ISIS, and stand back in horror at their acts of terrorism…. did we not create this culture? Did we ourselves not do this? but the definitions have changed….to suit our own view!

Now already we are finding other worlds, with a view to a “new home for the future of  humanity” like we have a right to claim them, a right to go there plant our flags and take it for our own.

Is this an art that nature makes?or just our own arrogance.

We are throwing junk further and further into space, we have things on Mars and stuff in orbit around Jupiter, with no real regard for the potential damage we could do, Earth has an atmosphere for a reason….to keep stuff in….yet we insist on sending our stuff out, covered in microbes…that could be potentially harmful.

How would we feel, if another form or being….just dropped into Earth, planted its flag and said this is our’s? We have written countless books, made countless films….always viewing them as the bad guys…..yet its ok if we do it?


And so is this an art that nature makes by allowing us to develop this way are we adding to nature?or are we stripping away the very core of nature herself?

What is the reality when perspective is stripped away?

Gaming room….new house….lol 

•July 25, 2016 • 2 Comments

Been busy working on the new house, most “normal” people focus on the “important” rooms like the lounge or bedroom….but I am far from normal and my priority was my “games” room…..gotta have some place to blast the PS4 , Xbox One, PS3 ….Xbox 360….hmmmm too many consoles…..!!! 

As a change to my usual ruse, I thought I would share some pictures……

The sofa!!! 

Ha photo makes the TV look tiny….but trust me it’s not! And I am pretty impressed with the console shelf underneath …..

Love the natural wood on this unit and its full of Games…..opppps! 

The essential footstool….for lounging and the clock to remind my just how much of the day I have wasted…..gaming……! 

I love this canvas ……the art work is so me, perhaps not to everyone’s taste! 

And another one I love!

Gaming room sorted…..just the rest of the house to go… 

The stoning of Soray M 😪😪😪

•July 13, 2016 • 2 Comments

Sometimes I am terrified of a future, where I see everything that I am, or ever was, first submerged then erased.

As part of a project I am currently working on, I was doing so back ground research and came across a film “Stoning of Soraya M” it’s a tad horrific but defiantly worth a watch.

I tend to work at night, I prefer the solice of the office when it’s dark and empty, lets me think and breath and I don’t have to be anything else but me.

After watching that film it opened up some thoughts in my mind and the early hours are always good for clarity of thought, something unique about the start of a new day, ever evolving futures in the fabric of time.

Out side of the context of the film, I am thinking of that crowd throwing stones at the girl in the ground, doing things they know are wrong out of fear or a need to “fit in,” let’s be honest here at some point we have all done this….hidden away from our own identity to fit in with the “crowd” to be accepted, to not stand out.

Image and self battle…….

As the office filled, normal day life slipped in, I chucked the question out, in that situation, in that context, knowing the implications and our own moral code, how many of us would have thrown the stones? A vast majority agreed they would have to throw the stones, despite how they felt.

At this junction in my life, I physically can not answer my own question because I simply do not know, if accepting the status quo to fit in is more important than the dangers of saying this is simply wrong. Would I have picked up my stone and thrown it, burning inside knowing it’s wrong, just to fit in?

How many of us are not who we are because we need to fit in with some ideal, that was never relavent in the first place?

And now I am thing of myself and how I adapted to the “rules” if it was not that way, then I would not be the same person I am today, I think I could actually have been happy in life.

As much as society helps it also fucks us up….and as people lost in that code we move 10 steps forward, then blow something up and move 20 steps back…..

I am kind of thinking all life is important but it has to be bound with a moral code, we have a right to be who we are, with out judgment but no right to steal innocence or twist another’s life.

As much as we need to accept each other we also need to respect each other……as much as there is a need for right and wrong….it only works if we respect each other.

Can not get that crowd, throwing stones out of my mind, watch the film if you can…..don’t judge the people, just look at the bigger picture……no matter how much we hide it…..we all stand with stones in our hands and a choice to make and deep down self knows what is right and what is wrong…..but only by joining together in acceptance and love can we change it and make it better.


New House, DIY and stuff!

•July 9, 2016 • 3 Comments

Rain, Rain and more Rain, typical British Summer! I am giving some serious thought to booking a few weeks in Greece again this year. Having just bought a new house and putting down 50% of the purchase price, I prehaps should not be spending money on a holiday, but I am sick of this rain, I just want some sun and there is still so much more of Greece I want to explore.

The new house is starting to feel like home, though I desperately want to get to work on the garden, I am thinking of adding a veranda to the conservatory (with a roof….to combat the rain). A little like below:-


I was talking this through with “New Friend” she thinks we can actually build this between us…..(which basically means she will do all the technical stuff, and I will just do what I am told)……still makes me laugh just how practical that girl is, last week she was teaching me how to use a drill. Of course I have used drills before, but not for the reason they were intended……..!

The rest of the garden (currently covered in slate chippings) I intend to lay a lawn, put in some feature borders add a water feature and some lighting and bring in a vegetable garden.

The house is a mix of eco-friendly and traditional, for example the heating system / water system has two options, either the gas boiler or a solid fuel burner, the electric links both into the national grid or solar panels, I can switch between the two, so I am thinking that growing my own veg etc….is in fitting with the house.

I have also bought /obtained  a few items of furniture, destined to be destroyed which I have started to restore and I am kind of enjoying doing that.

I am also strangely enjoying time with new friend, just getting to know her and with out the mask of who I used to be or some secret hanging over me, with her I can be completely honest,we have talked a lot, she knows who I was, the things I did…. we just talk and I don’t have to hide from her….kind of strange as outside of my old life…she is the first person that knows it all and still sees some reason to be my friend….!

Change and doing it better?

•July 8, 2016 • 2 Comments

Change is always difficult, as people we struggle with change, we struggle to adapt and all to often change is forced upon us by the outside world and we simply must adapt or fade away.

For me it’s slightly different, though the world around me changed, I had to choose to change the way I lived and the person that I had become, I looked in the mirror and all I saw was this thing, looking back at me, the thing I was, a whole person I did not recognise,  a whole a myriad of broken worlds, broken promises….empty masks that I once wore,promises I failed to keep…it was always too easy to just keep moving on.

One lie becomes another, one world moulds into the next, yet nothing is real when emotion just don’t fit in a bag.

I never did emotion, it was easier that way a world of nothing means nothing.

May be it was my broken childhood, may be its just me, I do not know and I will never have the answers, fact of life, I am an emotionless creature….that climbs from face to face,one mask to another.

I can not change that, I can not go back and rewrite my past, plant roses in a garden full of shit, I can not undo the things I did.

I had to face change,but I also had to choose to make change.

Not easy for a monster like me, not easy embracing emotion when you have never carried that bag or facing the things you have done or the hurt you have caused…..sometimes I just wanted my mask and to run, but I have never run from a fight and I had to fight not only the world but the shadows and darkness in me.

I ran from myself, but we can not fight ourselves for ever? We can not run forever and the masks get thin.

Stopping myself and finding the real me, that was my battle, along the way life helped but not an easy road to navigate.

Today I still struggle, but its a different world, I call in to see my sister and my tiny nephews run up to hug me, put their tiny arms around me and say we love you Uncle D, may be its cos I spoil them or may be it’s because we have fun together, they are kids!

My brothers now call me, talk about there lives, little bro had a slight problem and we sorted it, his wife is now having a baby, new nephew or niece due at Christmas and the two of the will be amazing parents, such a far cry from our childhood.

My friend was in a mess, and felt able to talk to me.

The mother, I have always struggled with any bond there because of stuff I still struggle with, is starting to talk and we are rebuilding bridges and the guy who was a proper Dad to my brothers and sisters still amazes me, If I can do half as much as that guy did for us,then at least I have done something that matters….! He is one amazing guy and despite all my stuff… history as I moved in to the new house….he garbed me hugged me and was like I am proper proud of you son….I can not do emotion but that made me cry…so I did what I do and kicked the f@ck out of some outbuildings that needed to go….I can not do raw emotion…I am still learning the path….but that cut!

I have always had girls on tap, bit of raw sex when I needed it, or just a random bar, grab someone……but it never mattered….today I was looking through my contacts and realised I don’t want that anymore….I want to be there for my friends…but I am also quite lonley…..Never really felt that before….a random shag….Just not enough!

That change kind of worries me…….!

I have tried to change myself for the better….but no dirty hot girls????? arghhhhh