Crossing paths

•April 2, 2017 • 1 Comment

When the Seventh seal is opened and the Seventh Angel rides on a white horse into battle, Satan and his lies.

The Seven Angels shout from heaven up above, as the horseman slays the devil and the whole world shall be judged.

Now there are angels all around us that try to save our souls, we do not hear their voices, they whisper way too low, but the devil he shouts loudly for all the world to hear, tells us that it’s all good and there is nothing we should fear.

There is a straight and narrow pathway that leads to paradise, or the broad and traveled highway that leads to your demise.

Its been a while but that’s the real killer about time, we have so much and yet so little.

Yet with the little that we have oft we choose “the broad and traveled highway that leads to our demise.”

J and I have known each other for many, many, years though at times our paths have wandered in different directions, yet somehow through the twisted fabrics of time, the rich and crazy tapestry of life seems to bring our paths back together and for a little while we travel a distance no longer alone, exchanging our stories over the campfires of night.

Its been that time of late, when are sharing our journey together, catching up, reflecting. There is no logical reason why our paths seem to be intertwined, just one of those things.

J’s story is long and dark, involving several nervous breakdowns and 14 suicide attempts, she now limps through every day in a lithium induced state, virtually devoid of the girl, I once knew when our paths last crossed.

No matter how far humanity attempts to move forward, we always seem to slip backwards. It’s not so much what we do in life as such, but what we do to others, the scars and the damage we often leave behind, that reaches beyond the moment and ripples outwards for years to come. A never-ending echo.

Years and years locked away in a bedroom, in vast and isolated farm-house, in the name of “love.”

Yet how can someone profess to love the very thing they are systematically destroying? Lies, deceit, violence, darkness, cleverly crafted into a potent potion of normality, so far estranged from the reality of the concept it set out to achieve.

When something so bad becomes so “normal” that life with out it then becomes abnormal.

Then there follows the endless isolation, the rhetoric of “Should have got out of there,” “I would never have put up with that,” Always so easy to advice when you are on the outside looking in, never the same when you are there, living the moment yourself.

A twisted world of horror’s untold, carved into the very soul and mind of another, so much so that J thinks to live with out it is worse than to live with it.

As people why do we do this too each other? surely when someone chooses to share a part of their life, a part of their soul with you, we should treasure that, honour it and leave only good in our wake?

For now, J and I sit besides the campfires, while the storms inside her mind are subdued by the lithium, she talks and I listen and that is all I can give her, like time so little and yet so much.

When early morning sun begins to rise and the flames of the fire die down, once more our paths will part and our journey will continue in different directions, until the next time our paths are drawn together.

I walk through the valley of the shadow of death and I fear no evil, because I am blind to it all, and my mind and my gun they comfort me, because I know I will kill my enemies when they come.

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life? and I will dwell on this earth forever more,

I walk besides the still waters and they restore my soul, but I can’t walk on the path of the right because I am wrong.

No I can’t walk on the path of the right, because I am wrong.

Expanding possibility…….

•October 19, 2016 • 4 Comments

Its been a while since I came here, truth be told, there is so much happening in the lives of those around me, that I am struggling to keep up. Not that I mind, I just hope that I am helping make things a little better.

In life I think all we can do is try to leave things a little better than we found them.

As time passes, I am finding more and more my outlook and perception of the world is changing, the way I see things has become much broader, not everything boils down to a simple binary code of (0 or 1), but there is a whole diversity in-between, a myriad of light between the poles and I am struggling to keep up.

Nothing is a simple as it once was, yet everything is more simple when I simply stop trying to apply age-old definitions to an ever-expanding view of life.

An apple is an apple right? But it’s not, one apple from the same tree can taste so different to another apple and yet the existence of the two, if we forget the perception of “how it should taste” only serves to make the experience of taste that much more pleasurable.

I am finding this with people, indeed even with in myself. Where as once it was a case of “0 & 1’s” now I see a whole realm of possibilities some that exist without definition, the whole spectrum of light, ever evolving colours makes a much more interesting read. It makes us who we are rather than what we are.

I am no longer a 0 or a 1, I no longer see the world as a print of 0 and 1’s and that’s ok because I was never a 0 or a 1 and I doubt in reality may people are.

In a sea of endless possibilities it puzzles me why we hold on to such a small cross-section, surfing on a wave of 0 / 1’s and not sailing on the ocean of life, exploring the endless possibilities this ocean has to offer.

No journey is ever the same, no person is ever the same, the way we think, the way we feel, the way we see.

For so many years I tried to find myself behind the mask, looking for a reality in me defined by 0 or 1, pre constructed outdated ideological social construct when all the time I was simply not being.

It matters not identifying as a 0 or 1, even an 8 or 9, what matters is the reality behind the person, the soul and heartbeat of our own self-identity, each adding flavours to the dynamic drink of life.

There can be no right or wrong, because there is no 0 or 1 just an endless flow of possibilities, a whole myriad of light that flows to form the changing face of tomorrow. It’s in accepting this, standing free and tall that we can alow the light to flow in us and the light to flow out.

Weighing things up……!

•September 2, 2016 • 3 Comments

images

As we develop in life it becomes more and more important, to weigh up the consequences of our behaviour, the implications of our actions.

There will always be regrets in life, things we oft wish we could have done better, tried a little harder at, or had not even done in the first place.

As time spins it starts to become more and more important to weigh up the odds, make each choice and action better, so each outcome becomes that little bit higher than the one before and the world becomes that little bit better each and every second of each and every day.

I think if we stop doing this, carry on blindly doing the same things, we cease to live and simply relax in a status quo of existence and a life half lived.

There are some things I need to consider and factors over and above my own sence of happiness that must be considered.

I don’t think it’s ever right to blindly steal your own happiness at the expense of another’s, and even more so to knowingly do that.

Nor is it ever right to gloat on another’s unhappiness, even if you feel justified in the outcome.

There is a situation, that I need to weigh up and the choices I make have to be the right.

Should I choose to act, then I secure a deeper happiness and also that of the primary objective, but in so doing also create knowingly an unhappiess for others, which I have no right to do.

If I choose not to act, the status quo goes on and the primary objective lays trapped with in an unhappy state, but the happiness of the world around remains and so the whole point of the exercise in itself becomes pointless and nothing changes.

The deeper implication is that the primary objective matters deeply and to that end I do not wish to see unhappiness, by doing nothing the happiness around stays in place but the unhappiness of the primary objective remains, so in effect I end up doing the very thing I set out not to do, but with a view to the greater good.

If I do nothing for me personally nothing changes, my world remains the same, though I will add to my list of “What if’s!” though I do lose the chance of a much deeper happiness

If I choose to act, then I secure the happiness of the primary objective and that of my own, but in so doing create unhappiness in another realm and I can’t even guarantee the new-found happiness will last, after all nothing is guaranteed in life. So It could all then be for nothing

Then there is also the fact by acting the explosion itself will not stay contained in a select little bubble, but will have implications in many other little bubbles. “The butterfly effect.”

If only we could know what is right, before it is pointless actually knowing it.

I think I need a drink after this!

An art that nature makes? or same old same old?

•September 1, 2016 • 1 Comment

“Yet nature is made better by no mean, But nature makes that mean: so, over that art which you say adds to nature, is an art that nature makes. You see sweet maid, we marry a gentler scion to the wildest stock, and make conceive a bark of baser kind by bud of nobler race: this is an art which does mend nature, change it rather, but the art itself is nature.”

(The Winters Tale, William Shakespeare)

Out of all Shakespeare’s plays, I think The Winters Tale resonates as my favorite. I love the tragedy and anger of youth, fading to the romance and ideal of age.

A tragic love story, with a happy end.

It’s hard to believe it’s September and already this year has changed so much of my life, so many words and yet so little time.

I was reading the other day about a new planet that has been discovered, one that could possibly host life. It is thought the planet is deemed to live on, long after our own Sun has burnt out and thus will outlive Earth.

The thing that hit me most about the article was the assumption already that this could be a new home for the future of humanity, like we have some kind of right to just go out there and claim this planet as our own.

Through the course of our own history have we ever learnt? Once we built boats and took are flags, planted them down on new lands, claiming them, creating a two tier system, us as the dominant race and the natives as the “savage race”  took the lands, destroyed the culture, enslaving the people, because our way is right????

Decades later we have the rise of groups like ISIS, and stand back in horror at their acts of terrorism…. did we not create this culture? Did we ourselves not do this? but the definitions have changed….to suit our own view!

Now already we are finding other worlds, with a view to a “new home for the future of  humanity” like we have a right to claim them, a right to go there plant our flags and take it for our own.

Is this an art that nature makes?or just our own arrogance.

We are throwing junk further and further into space, we have things on Mars and stuff in orbit around Jupiter, with no real regard for the potential damage we could do, Earth has an atmosphere for a reason….to keep stuff in….yet we insist on sending our stuff out, covered in microbes…that could be potentially harmful.

How would we feel, if another form or being….just dropped into Earth, planted its flag and said this is our’s? We have written countless books, made countless films….always viewing them as the bad guys…..yet its ok if we do it?

perspective.

And so is this an art that nature makes by allowing us to develop this way are we adding to nature?or are we stripping away the very core of nature herself?

What is the reality when perspective is stripped away?

Gaming room….new house….lol 

•July 25, 2016 • 2 Comments

Been busy working on the new house, most “normal” people focus on the “important” rooms like the lounge or bedroom….but I am far from normal and my priority was my “games” room…..gotta have some place to blast the PS4 , Xbox One, PS3 ….Xbox 360….hmmmm too many consoles…..!!! 

As a change to my usual ruse, I thought I would share some pictures……


The sofa!!! 


Ha photo makes the TV look tiny….but trust me it’s not! And I am pretty impressed with the console shelf underneath …..



Love the natural wood on this unit and its full of Games…..opppps! 

The essential footstool….for lounging and the clock to remind my just how much of the day I have wasted…..gaming……! 


I love this canvas ……the art work is so me, perhaps not to everyone’s taste! 


And another one I love!

Gaming room sorted…..just the rest of the house to go…..lol 

•July 24, 2016 • 5 Comments

In life I think, there is always a price to pay, nothing comes for free.

There are many days when I regret the way I lived my life, the things I did and the choices I made, the many masks I wore, navigating paths, always pretending.

But today is not one of them, today in an odd kind of way, I am glad I wore those masks and did the things I did.

Because today new friend needed to talk, she was running through things that lay deep with in her and I was able to navigate those paths with her and find a better way, watching the rain pour from her eyes, to the sun setting in her mind, kind of made everything worth while, out of my own darkness I actually pulled something good and I am hoping that’s made a difference.

I have lived so many lives, I have done so many things, I have worn so many masks and I was never true, always an ever evolving image,then I was gone!

New friend and I met running, we had been doing the same route for sometime, passing but never speaking, then one day I was behind her and she shouted out, stop looking at my ass, get up front the view is better……

Since then we have been brutally honest with each other, we talked we ran, we hurt as we pushed harder but I never pretended and she has seen me, just as me….no mask, just simply the way it is.

Today she came to me, with no mask or make up…raw and pure and I kind of hope that I helped.

The many faces I have worn, the many lies I lived,the people I hurt and OMG the violence, I have often talked about S and the kids, kind of pivotal point in my life, the girl was awful but somehow mattered, and as much as she lied to me…I played with her, I never wanted to hurt her….an example of the kind of person I am or was….we had gone for dinner, I parked up on a street, some random guy came out going nuts about parking on the street, one of the kids was in the car….I was angry…so angry….but I couldn’t let S or the kid see that, so I moved the car…..made it look good. Silently I went back that night and did what I do.

A miss guided view of respect,to be fair S probably wanted me to batter him there and then, but as a child all I saw was violence and that messes with your head and I was already starting to want to get it right.

I didn’t want to hurt her kids…suddenly responsibilty kicked in, I loved picking them up from school, making pack lunches, helping with home work just being a part of there lives….but all the time S and I were lying to each other, she was in love with the local drug dealer…..kind of wanted that gangster life and I was the biggest G on the streets……hell I even sat one night outside “Little drug dealers” house with my boys and a shot-gun planing on feeding the dogs….till I found out how lucrative that business was and so I just took it…because I could!

Chess is never a good game to play with me, I don’t know why but I can read the moves before they happen,rare I lose.

I could never have made S happy, she would have had to have known the truth about me as much as she hurt me, it was the better outcome and I left it alone, another kid, married and I am hoping happy.

It’s the price we pay for the sins we commit, and S the girl I loved but could never love will always matter for the time we had. The time I shared with those kids…a whole other life…..

Matters no more to me…..new friends smile and making it right …I did something good today…..just beacuse it matters….and its right…..the price I pay is to be alone, never have my own children because of the choices I made, I can’t, and wont hurt, someone else and I wont lie or pretend to be someone else…..this is the blood on my hands….this is how I am and the price I pay…..

We all have a price to pay!

The stoning of Soray M 😪😪😪

•July 13, 2016 • 2 Comments

Sometimes I am terrified of a future, where I see everything that I am, or ever was, first submerged then erased.

As part of a project I am currently working on, I was doing so back ground research and came across a film “Stoning of Soraya M” it’s a tad horrific but defiantly worth a watch.

I tend to work at night, I prefer the solice of the office when it’s dark and empty, lets me think and breath and I don’t have to be anything else but me.

After watching that film it opened up some thoughts in my mind and the early hours are always good for clarity of thought, something unique about the start of a new day, ever evolving futures in the fabric of time.

Out side of the context of the film, I am thinking of that crowd throwing stones at the girl in the ground, doing things they know are wrong out of fear or a need to “fit in,” let’s be honest here at some point we have all done this….hidden away from our own identity to fit in with the “crowd” to be accepted, to not stand out.

Image and self battle…….

As the office filled, normal day life slipped in, I chucked the question out, in that situation, in that context, knowing the implications and our own moral code, how many of us would have thrown the stones? A vast majority agreed they would have to throw the stones, despite how they felt.

At this junction in my life, I physically can not answer my own question because I simply do not know, if accepting the status quo to fit in is more important than the dangers of saying this is simply wrong. Would I have picked up my stone and thrown it, burning inside knowing it’s wrong, just to fit in?

How many of us are not who we are because we need to fit in with some ideal, that was never relavent in the first place?

And now I am thing of myself and how I adapted to the “rules” if it was not that way, then I would not be the same person I am today, I think I could actually have been happy in life.

As much as society helps it also fucks us up….and as people lost in that code we move 10 steps forward, then blow something up and move 20 steps back…..

I am kind of thinking all life is important but it has to be bound with a moral code, we have a right to be who we are, with out judgment but no right to steal innocence or twist another’s life.

As much as we need to accept each other we also need to respect each other……as much as there is a need for right and wrong….it only works if we respect each other.

Can not get that crowd, throwing stones out of my mind, watch the film if you can…..don’t judge the people, just look at the bigger picture……no matter how much we hide it…..we all stand with stones in our hands and a choice to make and deep down self knows what is right and what is wrong…..but only by joining together in acceptance and love can we change it and make it better.

DK