Today

I tried, Gawd knows I tried….I really wanted just this “normal” life ….I wanted to get it right…do better…

But you couldn’t leave it….just leave me alone….crack on with your life…just had to crack open Pandora’s box….

The steel is cold, as cold as my soul….as dark as my heart….no more laughing and I have only just started….I tried….I really tried….now I realise it was pointless…so I must embrace my reality….not so funny now?

I forgot how much I enjoy this….I will take my time as I reafirm myself …forever lost to the darkness…these were your choices….how you reminded me of who I really am…..

(15) Turnips and Last shot saloon

I have not come here for almost a week, truth be told I am exhausted. I dont know if its all the “dark” years catching up or I am simply just worn out.

I have despite the odds maintained my streak, 15 days later and I have not strayed, though I was close last night even going as far as stocking my fridge… but in the end, I choose coffee, my book and bed.

Sleep is evasive at the moment, adding to my already fractured mind and over exhaustion. Though I started the week with some runs this dropped off drastically as I struggled to get up in the morning and hit a wall in the evenings….May be I just have to pay my dues?

Longer term I am worried about keeping this up, at present I am not feeling any real benefits, I still feel rough in the morning, just a different kind of rough…..I am still not achieving anything in the evenings and I want to sleep all the time…..I just don’t have the buzz or release.

I need to find a better way, a better way of living not just existing from one failed moment to the next…I just don’t know how any more….I just stopped after “S” and the kids, withdrew and dropped of the grid.

In other news I am heavily into the Turnip market this week (ACNH) and am struggling to off load them at a decent price, the best price I got was 116 on Monday afternoon, but at a buy of 104 I decided to hold out and since then the market has plunged, recovered a little this morning so I am holding out for my last shot this afternoon….I seem to be doing that a lot in the “Last shot saloon”

Tonight will be interesting, My fridge is stocked, its Saturday night and I am feeling pretty dark…..I can not see this ending well, the probability of 16 straight days is looking less and less likely…not that I want to….but the field is set up and the game is afoot……

(9)

Another day, I am not even sure how I feel, just I thought I was supposed to feel better…..Like everything that gave me some kind of pleasure has now evaporated and I am left with just this….

I slept last night and still managed to wake up feeling worse, had to push myself today to even get started, Though I did manage to run not that it matters.

Its like I have come so far, but there is nothing here…..Chasing that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow…..even doubting myself….

(8) A long way from Kansas

My second Saturday and I would be lying if I said that I dont feel “the pull”, I have thought about it a lot today, more so this evening. Instead I played some tunes and cleaned the lounge, hall, kitchen and conservatory.

Part of me wants to sleep, part of me wants to do something….anything to break this up….I don’t even know what to do on a Saturday evening……

I ran again today another nice solid hour, nice easy pace allowing time to think, though the temperature has started to drop and the rain is kicking in, how much longer I will want to do this remains to be seen.

Sleep wise, I slept, broken but I slept, though I am wondering about the accuracy of my smart watch it seemed to think I awoke and was awake for over an hour, though I recall waking, I am sure an our is over kill.

17981 steps for the day….

My mood and mind are dark, I know this is a reality of my own creation….and I am trying to fight my way back…..I am a long way from Kansas, with no yellow brick road to guide…..

(7) Books and thoughts

I made it through the challenges of today. I can not in all honesty say that I have not been tempted to stray, it would have been so easy, but instead I stood fast.

I managed a run this morning a nice solid hour, steady pace, but safe to say I wont be winning medals any time soon.

I have lemonade….I managed a shop and again avoid temptation, though I did grab pizza for dinner!

My over all step count is lower than I would have liked sitting at just over 15 500, my smart watch has taken this opportunity to update itself, so I can not be more precise!

I am looking forward to reading more of my book tonight, I still find something magical in turning through the pages of a new book, something that for me is lost in the age of the Kindle and the tablet. Don’t get me wrong, I think the kindle, though I prefer my tablet, is great at certain points and makes reading far more accessible….But I still prefer a book and lining the shelves of my book cases with the story’s I have read….each holds a piece of me…..kind of like my tapestry of life.

So another day, another Friday night something I once thought was impossible.

Friday Morning thoughts

Slowly making my way into the 7th day. Its was last Friday that for no apparent reason I began this journey.

I am not really sure how I feel after a week, but I am starting to enjoy a night time routine, TV, some pages from my book and Switch time, even if I ran out of lemonade, just hoping my sleep will improve, if indeed I can stick with this.

Today is fraught with challenges, its a Friday and I am off work is just the tip of the iceberg, I need to do my weekly shop and there is a danger of stocking up the one thing I am trying to avoid. I am also off to view a house at 5.30 which means when I get home I will be in that danger zone.

My thoughts are in a dark and strange place.

(6) No Lemonade and Missing time!

Its been challenging today once again. In part because I have taken to having an ice cold glass of lemonade with me when I go to bed, and when I rouse in the night refilling it, I am not sure why but it seems to help, kind of a sweetness in the bitterness of all of this. I ran out of Lemonade this morning and I knew that heading to the shop on my way home from work, would have resulted in me slipping and coming back with more, telling myself “its there just in case,” “Your off work tomorrow,””Its nearly the weekend”……

So I went straight home instead, of course the devil on my mind, started suggesting I take a little walk to the shop, push my steps up (Currently sat at 15859), stock up on lemonade, Knowing full well I wouldn’t walk out with just lemonade, if I walked out with lemonade at all. So I have had to say no and now I have no cold lemonade, just an empty cold bed….a tad like my life has become.

Again I thought I slept well last night, but my smart watch begged to differ 4 hours and 57 mins. I woke about 5.30 had some coffee and took a 30 min run, before heading into the office. I garbed Lunch with a colleague who I have not seen in a while, we were late going down and most of the menu had sold out, but they made us chips, beans some Gravy and a bread roll…which was a nice change, and it beats sitting in my office, eating alone. Good catch up though I felt guilty taking the whole hour, normally I am grabbing bites of my lunch between e-mails or calls!

I found this morning a kind of anomaly, it seems some where between my front door and my drive, there is some kind of time warp, No matter how early I leave the house, I seem to end up in the car at the exact same time, setting off 10 mins later than I planned……something is eating time!

So another day ends, and we are nearing a full week now, funny how a week ago I didn’t think that one day was possible, yet here we are, I am going to hit the shower while I still can, before the next surge in energy costs kicks in and heating the water becomes a luxury…!

I am looking forward to a few pages from my book and may be a small lay in tomorrow….I am missing my lemonade though!

(5) Another day….

Trying to keep myself busy, its much harder tonight the devil on my shoulder, whispering in my ear, slipping temptation in my path….It would be so easy to give in, succumb, but then I think back to last week and I know I must stay strong.

I felt like I slept a little better last night, but my smart watch proved me wrong 5 hours and 34 mins, yet still I awoke at 6am, had coffee and even managed a 30 min run before work.

I prepared a garlic chicken pasta from lunch the night before and headed once again into the office.

I have managed a step count of 17519 today, I know it doesn’t really matter but its giving me something to hold on to.

The next few days will be a challenge, I have booked Friday off work, so I have to push through tomorrow evening and try to complete another weekend. I am going to try and focus on one day at a time, thinking too far ahead makes the task sound far to difficult.

I thought going this long was once impossible, but now I am here, taking each step, each day at a time, may seem like nothing, a drop in the ocean….but its much more….!

Time to read a little before bed, still time for temptations grip but a battle I must learn to face….

(4) No run, No sleep

Sleep last night was difficult, hard to find, my mind racing into the early hours, needless to say when the alarm clock screaming monsters enter my mind, I struggled to pull myself up.

I didn’t run today, time was against me but I did head into the office again, so I have had to push to bring my step count up, currently sat at 9800, I want to hit 10000 before I rest.

I managed another day, temptation has been on my mind, but I know what a slip will mean, so I am trying to find a better way to fill the void, to keep myself together.

I hope I sleep tonight, I am feeling exhausted but that means little when my thoughts begin to burn.

I am not sure but I think this may be the longest I have abstained in years, and this is hard….I feel like I need something…..but instead I have the emptiness, the darkness and the void….

Another day, another rung on that ladder, I just hope that this is worth it….

(3) Another day done

Another day done.

I slept better last night, 7 and a half hours awoke at 6 and even managed a small 30 minute run before work.

I went into the office today, to escape the isolation of home, I was worried about the drive back and the temptation to renege, but made it through and now sit with another day done and coffee, another rung on the ladder.

The prepared meals of yesterday helped, both Lunch and Dinner sorted a point I need to keep in mind.

I ran a little this evening as well, pushed my step count to 17390, which to be fair is not too bad given I spent most of the day sat behind my laptop, certainly to some extent a better place than I was, just hoping I can have the strength to keep on pushing on, I am certainly feeling like I am missing something!

For now, some Switch time, a few pages of my book and hope that sleep comes……..