The only way out is through?

The only way out was through, through the darkness, through the madness and the chaos.

This was the sum of every choice and every decision, I ever made.

“One pill makes you taller and one pill makes you small and the ones that mother gives you don’t do anything at all”‘

I still don’t know the answers and I have forgotten all the questions, but I know the cocktail of med’s is slowly killing a part of me, perhaps the only part of me that was ever really free.

Is it calm inside my mind, or is it numb? dose my face mask the endless tempest? the ceaseless storm and make the shores look calm?

Today I ran, ran for over an hour burning the miles on the treadmill, burning thoughts, killing the pain, silencing the voices anything to be free, anything to feel. Yet I am afraid to feel, afraid if I stop the madness will wash over me once more and I will be eating lunch with the hatter, sat once more in wonderland.

Is this what life is? Endless nothing? Fighting the madness till the silence comes?

Madness and Life

The dust lingers in the air on here, like so many things, lost, half finished, hanging in the moment.

I have been fighting monsters.

Once I thought I knew the answers, but I was only deluding myself, an image, a shadow in a fleeting second, nothing more, nothing less, blink and I am gone.

The world fell and fell, the words rained from the skies above and I quite literally lost myself, my purpose, my being, you see all that I was, all that I had become was nothing…..and I lost my mind.

I have been talking to myself today, saying words I should not hear, all the things I have said and done all the thoughts I have ever had. I have wandered in the dark before, but I have always known the darkness from the light. This time the worlds became one, light was dark and dark was light, nothing made any sense and everything was nothing, a pointless void of endless days with screaming monsters in my mind. Then the fog, nothing was real, yet everything was, the words became confused, the worlds over lapped and I simply stepped over the edge, in to wonderland.

How do we find a path in a world, a universe devoid of all meaning and purpose?, Cioran took solace in the fact he could choose to opt out of life.

Life is inherently meaningless, filled with suffering and despair, In accepting the futility of life’s struggles, in embracing the absurdity of existence can we find a purpose a reason to continue?

“I am but mad North-Northwest, but when the wind is Southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw”

Shutting it down…

Time to close the windows, draw the blinds and close the curtains…

It’s me and Lucille….alone in the darkness…this is the only way I know …

Make or break I either shut this shit down, take back control….or jump on the fast track out of town….this train ride has no return ticket ….

This is the sum of every life choice I ever made …I am in this moment for this reason ….

Messy

I need to get out of this place, out of this space.

I need to think and think clearly with out the demons in my mind..

It has to be this way now

Stories we tell ourselves

I should have seen it coming when the roses died, or more importantly when at the start of the pandemic, I made a Lucile and thought that was normal.

That was the beginning of the end, the storm gates opened and the flood waters escaped.

As Europe basks in a heatwave, its raining here, but that’s ok because its raining in my head and we have a journey to start. its only through the darkness that I can find the light.

In sum its a mess and now its time to put it right, I always thought I knew the answers, but I never really had a clue.

I hold no illusions, this will not be easy, but its a Journey I must undertake if I am ever going to break free.

Sometimes and forever

Its so dark in here, its been so dark for so long that I have forgotten what the light looks like.

A world of my own creation, a prison of my mind.

Today has to be different but I am unsure if I have the fight left to push through.

Today

I tried, Gawd knows I tried….I really wanted just this “normal” life ….I wanted to get it right…do better…

But you couldn’t leave it….just leave me alone….crack on with your life…just had to crack open Pandora’s box….

The steel is cold, as cold as my soul….as dark as my heart….no more laughing and I have only just started….I tried….I really tried….now I realise it was pointless…so I must embrace my reality….not so funny now?

I forgot how much I enjoy this….I will take my time as I reafirm myself …forever lost to the darkness…these were your choices….how you reminded me of who I really am…..

(15) Turnips and Last shot saloon

I have not come here for almost a week, truth be told I am exhausted. I dont know if its all the “dark” years catching up or I am simply just worn out.

I have despite the odds maintained my streak, 15 days later and I have not strayed, though I was close last night even going as far as stocking my fridge… but in the end, I choose coffee, my book and bed.

Sleep is evasive at the moment, adding to my already fractured mind and over exhaustion. Though I started the week with some runs this dropped off drastically as I struggled to get up in the morning and hit a wall in the evenings….May be I just have to pay my dues?

Longer term I am worried about keeping this up, at present I am not feeling any real benefits, I still feel rough in the morning, just a different kind of rough…..I am still not achieving anything in the evenings and I want to sleep all the time…..I just don’t have the buzz or release.

I need to find a better way, a better way of living not just existing from one failed moment to the next…I just don’t know how any more….I just stopped after “S” and the kids, withdrew and dropped of the grid.

In other news I am heavily into the Turnip market this week (ACNH) and am struggling to off load them at a decent price, the best price I got was 116 on Monday afternoon, but at a buy of 104 I decided to hold out and since then the market has plunged, recovered a little this morning so I am holding out for my last shot this afternoon….I seem to be doing that a lot in the “Last shot saloon”

Tonight will be interesting, My fridge is stocked, its Saturday night and I am feeling pretty dark…..I can not see this ending well, the probability of 16 straight days is looking less and less likely…not that I want to….but the field is set up and the game is afoot……

(9)

Another day, I am not even sure how I feel, just I thought I was supposed to feel better…..Like everything that gave me some kind of pleasure has now evaporated and I am left with just this….

I slept last night and still managed to wake up feeling worse, had to push myself today to even get started, Though I did manage to run not that it matters.

Its like I have come so far, but there is nothing here…..Chasing that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow…..even doubting myself….

(8) A long way from Kansas

My second Saturday and I would be lying if I said that I dont feel “the pull”, I have thought about it a lot today, more so this evening. Instead I played some tunes and cleaned the lounge, hall, kitchen and conservatory.

Part of me wants to sleep, part of me wants to do something….anything to break this up….I don’t even know what to do on a Saturday evening……

I ran again today another nice solid hour, nice easy pace allowing time to think, though the temperature has started to drop and the rain is kicking in, how much longer I will want to do this remains to be seen.

Sleep wise, I slept, broken but I slept, though I am wondering about the accuracy of my smart watch it seemed to think I awoke and was awake for over an hour, though I recall waking, I am sure an our is over kill.

17981 steps for the day….

My mood and mind are dark, I know this is a reality of my own creation….and I am trying to fight my way back…..I am a long way from Kansas, with no yellow brick road to guide…..