Rainbows, packing and the girl that came with wine!

•May 21, 2016 • 1 Comment

We are only constrained by the limits of our own mind, if only we could accept the diversity amongst us as a part of the beauty of our humanity, life would somehow be much better.

Yet instead we fight, we destroy and we try to hide our diversity to conform to some ideological norm, that has long since had its day, it seems we are insistent on a “right and  a wrong.”

Like we are instant on only looking at the two edges of a rainbow and in so doing miss the beauty of the very thing we are trying to see.

Starting to pack my life into box’s, ready for the move it seems funny how easily I can condense  my life into little brown box’s labeled kitchen or lounge and just how much stuff I have acumiltated….some of which I had forgotten I had! it makes me wonder where do I fit in? Which box….kitchen or lounge?

Yesterday, early evening I am condensing and sorting, putting things in box’s filing my life into sections, when there was a knock on my door, a relatively new friend with wine, she was feeling a little down and wanted to be around somebody.

We met some weeks back, whilst out running, we had been running the same route for a while, the story of how we got talking is slightly amusing, I will save that for another post!

She is a girl that I don’t know, but starting to know through our random and crazy running chats, I like how life does that, how it twists and turns, once we were random strangers, now she is at my door with wine!

We are drinking and chatting, I forgot how much I miss that and we are packing my books, “You have too many books!” and that makes me wonder, if you can ever really have too many books? I like my books, I love to escape into each unknown world as I open the cover and start to read, I love being transported away meeting new people seeing the rainbow for what it really is…..not just the ends.

Sometimes I will grab a random book from the shelfs, read a small passage and be instantly transported back to that place and that time, each book holds a small piece of me a snap shot of where I was, who I was at that point, a memory, locked forever in the words.

If there were no more books, no more beautiful words to read, I would have no meaning.

I love to explore with my reading, sometimes I will just randomly go to a bookshop, pretty much close my eyes, grab something of the shelf and buy it, I don’t even take the time to read the title…..its the thrill of what I will unravel, the mystery of the unknown.

I have found some real gems, discovered authors I would never have touched and I have also been stuck with some lemons….like a rather embarrassing purchase of “The history of Gay Porn”….yes I did that! Wasnt till I hit the check out and the girl looked at the book, then at me, smiled in that “O Right” kind of way, that I read the title, at which point there was nothing I could do but pay and leave as quickly as possible!

I have never revisited that shop!

As we are drinking wine and packing my books she comes across a title that excites her and suddenly this girl I run with, the girl who came with wine feeling down, is alive, I can feel the passion burning from her, (it wasnt a subject matter that really interested me) but I loved how excited she was to be talking about this….when suddenly she pauses “I am sorry I am boring you, silly I know I shouldnt talk about this, I am just being dumb forgive me!” As quickly as she came alive she is dead again.

That moment pretty much stole my breath, as in that instance, I knew that someone, somewhere on her timeline, has told her she is dumb for her passion, to shut up and stop going on about it because it did not interest them and they were bored.

Once again we are back at that rainbow, seeing only at the top and bottom, someone chose the right and wrong, someone took the colours away for her, the pleasure from her passion made her feel stupid for being who she is and in so doing not only missed her rainbow, but took a light from the world.

The worst part is, in my past I have done this myself and I hate that.

I laugh and point out it’s not dumb or stupid, and how gifted I feel for her opening that small window to her soul, letting me see the beauty of her rainbow.

We drink and talk more and the packing is not going so well, in fact it’s about 3am when I walk her home (read stagger like a drunken fool) and I awake this morning hung over to a rather reduced wine selection (One less thing to pack) and a text message on my phone saying “Thank you for last night I needed that, now my head hurts and wont be running today, we will do double tomorrow if you think you can handle it x”

We don’t ever have to apologise for being who we are, we just have to accept every rainbow is different, no two colours will be exactly the same, what I see or you see isn’t right or wrong….Its just the natural beauty of humanity, I have no more right to judge than you, we were born as one and will die as one…..so in between…..just apprciate the beauty of life!

Advertisements

My In between place…..and tomorrow…..

•May 20, 2016 • 1 Comment

Over the last year or so, I have been a rather lazy blogger, this I need to rectify!

The house move has been an absolute nightmare, I went in to my solicitors last week, thinking that I was going in to exchange contracts with a view to completion this week. Even going so far as to book time off work, only to discover there was an issue at the sellers end and they are unable to complete.

After a crazy few days where both my solicitors and the estate agents, refused to answer my calls or update me, I had a few beers and sent an e-mail instructing  both my solicitors and the estate agents that I no longer wished to pursue the sale!

Low and behold, suddenly I became the most popular guy on the planet! Magically estate agents (not in the office 15 minutes ago) are suddenly in the office, Solicitors too busy to take my calls are no longer busy, while I have one on my mobile, the other is calling my landline!

It looks like we should complete next week, which is a right royal pain in the arse for me as we complete the day I return to work! Though I am not counting my chickens till I actually have the keys and I am wondering why the hell I am doing this?

I love it here, but this was always my in between place, the place where “I got over the heart ache” and started to find myself again….. and that’s the thing about this heart ache thing….I dont think you actually ever get over it….more adapt, change, grow…..or like Miss Haversham slowly sit and die…..rememberinging!

It does not just end with that moment it “ENDS” it spins on and on, everything around is the same, but yet nothing ever is….like your favorite food, yet the flavour is gone, life holds no taste, you just eat it because that’s what you need to do, you just carry on because that’s what you need to do even when you smile, inside you cry!

The moment it ends, plays on your mind, the things you said and the things left unsaid, that moment changes everything and you cling on desperate to even the faintest glimmer of hope…..clutching for even the smallest of crumb from the table, in that moment you destroy yourself, I even read that text message she wrote with a kind of desperate hope!

What I should have read, what was evident throughout was more along the lines:-

“I am sorry D, I am a dirty little slag that played you for a fool, not only did I sleep with the local drug dealer, but I proactively encouraged you to get close to the kids with no intentions of furthering this.

While you were out taking my children to church, hockey practice attending meetings at their school, I even had my cousin round for a quick shag and that’s forgetting the random guy I met in the pub.

While I encouraged you to buy my children’s christmas presents, cook our meals and generally run around like a c#nt after me,  I sat my fat arse down on the sofa and checked out all the websites I was on for the next sh@g….I was never interested in you, just what you did for me and my children.

Anyway I have now got feelings for an Ex that cheated on me with all of my friends, and well anyone he could bed, pretty much like me really…..but we are so in love we are having a baby and getting married.

So thanks for the kids Christmas presents, please make sure you drop them round in time and is there any chance you can cook us dinner tonight and pick the kids up from school?”

I am actually laughing while I write this….becuase even though it changed me, it no longer matters to me….it no longer hurts or suffocates me….its just what happened, you can’t love someone who you don’t really know, I never really knew her, just pretended not to see the secret phone, or the text messages….papered over the cracks so I am just as bad as her, if not more so!

May be she is happy,may be not who knows? I miss the kids and the time I had with them and I hope they are happy they were really always important to me!

We move on and we grow, like the faces and masks I used trade I need to move on from here, my in-between place….!

New home, new start I am noticing other girls in a way I have not done for a long time and I know myself much better….I was always the thug…crazy hard sex and a good fight…may be a kebab if I wasnt locked up!

Now would be nice to talk, walk / run a good book and just honest open conversation….I cant change my past, or who I was, I also wont hide the things I have done, the person I was….thats made me who I am today!

To lower the tone…I am a guy and hot dirty sex is always good…almost as good as an amazing book!

And some time’s it snows in April….

•April 29, 2016 • 1 Comment

This crazy UK weather is effecting my mood, one day its hot, then the snows fall from the sky, and wow did they fall.

Once I am up then I am down, sometimes the darkness  of my thoughts even scares me, who was I ? who am I? and what am I to become?

A reflection of this crazy world? Who knows? Crazy weather, crazy mind?

It was the twins 16th birthday this week, the day flashed past in my diary and nothing was more important, yet nothing so far away, a silent thought….a memory lost, I will never know if I did the right thing there, but I did what my heart told me to do, despite how much it hurt and my understanding is there is a happiness now, that my presence would have only ruined.

I prey to a God that I do not understand, that one day they will understand, I never wanted to let any of them down, I just had to stand up and do what I thought was right….after the darkness that was my life before.

They were never blood of my blood, but they always felt like it, the more I grew to know them the more they mattered

Every moment every second matters,nights on the sofa, runs to school, hockey playing, little E and I watching a film, breaking her Easter egg to share with me….

And my mind is very dark as I write,

I just hope they don’t make the mistakes I made….If I could do it all again, despite the hurt……I would play that time back over and over…..!

Time moves the world spins and we live and we learn…..I was the child who stuck its fingers in the fire….to learn that it burns!

There is no right or wrong…..just tomorrow!

And the Ghosts of my yesterday, that perpetually  plague my mind!

Life is stages…. The first house was big….it was my “S” LOOK I WILL GIVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU EVER NEED, THE KIDS….ANYTHING…. but the reality is she never loved me…..

The next move…..a reality check….I hurt so badly, it became the step from monster to me……my penance and my hurt.

The next move…is me, no mask, nothing but the face of who I am!

Stages of life…..I never used to love, I never used to hurt….but now I do?

Would I exchange that?…..not ever!

And sometimes it snows in April!

Strange kind of day!

•April 20, 2016 • 2 Comments

It’s amazing what a little bit of sun creates.

I got up this morning with every intention of working on the garden, I also wanted to go to the garden center to get some ideas for the new house, so I rang my Grandma to see if she would like a trip out there.

As it happens she was just getting ready to go herself, but had got a little upset at driving that distance, she still drives but just around the corner to the hairdresser’s or local shop, and to be fair she probably should not still be driving, since she has to close one eye, otherwise she sees two of everything……but thats a whole other blog post!

We spent an hour or so round the garden center, something she used to do a lot with my Granddad before he passed, despite having other plans, I made sure not to hurry her and pretended not to hear the guy telling her the liners she needed for her hanging baskets were round the corner, when she said to me they were out of stock and we would need to come back next week…. she only needs to ask and I will happily take her, but she is so strong-willed and independent, she will not ask….and thats fine, we will go back next week.

Loaded up with plants, I brought her home, “if you have 5 mins, there are a couple of jobs you can help me with!….but you better go home and change!” Famous last words!

Well that 5 minutes was actually 4 hours, digging the remnants of a blackberry bush out, rescuing an age-old pot bound Camila (“and don’t break that pot!”)….the bloody thing weighed a ton and the roots had attached themselves not only to the pot but to the base underneath!

Digging a new boarder and planting the rose bushes she had just bought! during that time I somehow managed to “volunteer” to pull out and re-paint the fence panels and jet wash the patio and paths……though I am not sure volunteer was the right word! So I have a busy few weeks ahead!

Since I hadn’t run today, I decided the garden could wait and so with Metallica mixed with random tunes from Amy Lea (I so love her voice)….I went for a run, smashing my personal best and hitting 10 miles, I could have pushed further quite easily!

My lawns are uncut, my garden unattended, but a day with my Grandma and a 10 mile run, not things I would change, though I have just opened a beer, that I am sure I will regret tomorrow!

I noticed the world differently today, the people and life in general, though sometimes I miss (well often I miss,)  having that girl to come home to, I don’t want another “S” and I dont want to be someone who I am not….I have kind of found myself, though I noticed that hot girls in tight shorts….I am not seeing things like I used too, a conversation, a cuddle, just a resonating sound of honesty…..

Some how I have got soft lol! As I never do nice!

LOL

A Move, a change, making it right? or getting it wrong!

•April 15, 2016 • 1 Comment

Existence proceeds Essence.

In the intrinsically meaningless we define ourselves be carving out our own meaning and grasping all that life has to offer.

Today has not been the best day, there are points where my constant battle with lady depression become too much, having spent sometime yesterday down the rabbit hole of my thoughts, I struggled to even get myself out of bed this morning.

Normally by midday, I have run at least 5 miles, today I struggled with the 5 minute walk to the shop for milk, but that’s ok, because its part of who I am. Once I used to run from this, mask my own insecurity and inability to deal with life, behind an illusion of a world where all is well, in effect create a black-hole built upon a foundation of essential lies, that sought only to draw in those around me, the deeper that hole became the more I drew in until all that was left was a world of illusion, that no longer linked with the reality upon which it started.

Today I just write a black line through the page in my diary and try again tomorrow.

I am looking forward to the house move, though today it felt too much, feels like I cant do it, like hiring a van, driving a van, moving my things, starting again, is too much.

The garden requires much work, it will take a few years to make it look how I want, like my garden here.

I think it was the kitchen that drew me most to this house, its much bigger than here, has a rustic feel yet with modern fixtures, to one side there is a solid fuel burner, which links in to the boiler, kind of dual heating system.

The chimney breast is an old style brick feature and I have found some rustic solid wood dinning furniture that will work so well with this room, I can see myself sat during the winter months, the log burner lit at the table with my iPad!

Every place I have lived before has always had the influence of someone else, an ex, a friend, an illusion of who I projected myself to be and so I am struggling here to find me in my choice of style, but at the same time that’s kind of like the fun thing, so I bought some gothic art, because I like that and a really old style grandfather clock , how well this will work together I wont know until I have moved.

I am going to miss this place, the time I spent in garden the fun I had with my nephews, but it was also the beginning of the end for me, it was here that I realised, despite my airs and graces, that I too was as bad as “S”….I traded one person for another, I was selfish and arrogant, I took what I wanted and didn’t give a thought for the damage that I left behind and I hate that part of my past, sometimes I just hate me.

Life is stages, a work of art in motion, I think I have embraced the past, the present and who I am, today I am not who I was yesterday and tomorrow I will not be who I am today, but each day I want to be better at life.

Yesterday I needed to close a chapter, not something I was apt to do, may be the words mattered,may be they didn’t, but it was something I needed to do.

So as my solicitors, rather slowly sort the paperwork, i prepare to move into another stage and a new beginning, not as an image but as the reality of who I am.

Existence proceeds Essence.

Today and Yesterday….some thoughts

•April 14, 2016 • 3 Comments

It’s been a while since I last came here, sometimes its difficult to keep your head in a world that essentially has gone insane, but that’s a whole other blog post!

In my absence from Blogging / Facebook / the whole online world, I have been focusing on making changes to my life, the time I would have spent online I now spend running and to be fair I enjoy that time so much more!

I have also inadvertently found a house, that I love and am in the process of buying, I never intended to move from here, but there was something about this house, so I threw an offer in and it was accepted!

Suddenly the world of dependency opens up…..I was dependant upon the bank to offer me a new mortgage, dependent upon the company I work for to continue my employment, to get the mortgage, dependant upon over priced and rather slow solicitors to sort the relevant paperwork…dependant upon society! Too many factors outside of my control.

Modern life requires dependency whilst offering no real security, its existentialism in its purest form, a way we make sence of the lack of real reason or point and provide purpose in the meaningless.

Things in the world are the way they are, society is and there is nothing I can do to change that, however I can limit the dependency factors, so currently I am studying a course that will add to my degree, once completed it will enable me to work in a slightly different area, though I will need to “sell my soul” for a year or two, till I have built a base of contacts and required experiance….I can then become independent, create my own business and just work for me, without dropping the silly money I am currently paid!

I think I will be happier this way, working for me, doing something I enjoy but only pulling the margins I need, not what I can get from the market, earning the money but focusing more on the needs of my clients….just providing a real-time, real priced human service!

I am a far cry away from where I was years ago, a whole different person, I understand myself much better and I see the different shades in life, in who we are so much more differently than once I did and that I think I owe to a girl I used to call “the light,” someone I let down, who gave so much but expected nothing, I will never forget the day I caught her on the bed eating chocolates and I knew in that moment, even before she did, that I had let her down, I had become that moth drawn to her light.

There are people in life that change the course of things, that girl will do that on and on, not only through her, but the people she meets……like a line of candles, she lights one and the rest start to light.

I gave her nothing but hurt, yet she gave me so much, there is nothing I can do to change that other than spin the light and light more candles and hope that in some way I can redeem the injustice of my actions.

If it wasnt for her ….a whole other story!

So my parting thought for today…..dependecy upon a world that has become so lost, so much hurt, so much hate, so many lives lost….we can not change yesterday, may be not even today but through each small action done we can change tomorrow, a smile, a kind act….something posative globally we can make a difference.

I have always believed in a “God” and I hope that when the day falls the incomprehensible “God” will forgive me for the darkness in which I walked and caused and that I can redeem myself through the actions of today……

I am trying to be a better at life!

forever you, forever gone! 

•March 31, 2016 • 1 Comment

“Forever Gone, Forever You”
I wanted you to be with me

For so long I don’t even know why now

But now that I’ve given up on you

Defiantly you see me
Walking away I see the pain

You put me through

Lost in your game to change the same

Forever gone, forever you
There’s something very wrong about this

I think you knew all along somehow

You’ll only take me to change my mind

And leave me broken and defeated
So far away I see the truth

I see through you

Now that I know the way you play

I don’t want to
Walking away I see the pain

You put me through

Lost in your game to change the same

Forever gone, forever you