In life I think, there is always a price to pay, nothing comes for free.

There are many days when I regret the way I lived my life, the things I did and the choices I made, the many masks I wore, navigating paths, always pretending.

But today is not one of them, today in an odd kind of way, I am glad I wore those masks and did the things I did.

Because today new friend needed to talk, she was running through things that lay deep with in her and I was able to navigate those paths with her and find a better way, watching the rain pour from her eyes, to the sun setting in her mind, kind of made everything worth while, out of my own darkness I actually pulled something good and I am hoping that’s made a difference.

I have lived so many lives, I have done so many things, I have worn so many masks and I was never true, always an ever evolving image,then I was gone!

New friend and I met running, we had been doing the same route for sometime, passing but never speaking, then one day I was behind her and she shouted out, stop looking at my ass, get up front the view is better……

Since then we have been brutally honest with each other, we talked we ran, we hurt as we pushed harder but I never pretended and she has seen me, just as me….no mask, just simply the way it is.

Today she came to me, with no mask or make up…raw and pure and I kind of hope that I helped.

The many faces I have worn, the many lies I lived,the people I hurt and OMG the violence, I have often talked about S and the kids, kind of pivotal point in my life, the girl was awful but somehow mattered, and as much as she lied to me…I played with her, I never wanted to hurt her….an example of the kind of person I am or was….we had gone for dinner, I parked up on a street, some random guy came out going nuts about parking on the street, one of the kids was in the car….I was angry…so angry….but I couldn’t let S or the kid see that, so I moved the car…..made it look good. Silently I went back that night and did what I do.

A miss guided view of respect,to be fair S probably wanted me to batter him there and then, but as a child all I saw was violence and that messes with your head and I was already starting to want to get it right.

I didn’t want to hurt her kids…suddenly responsibilty kicked in, I loved picking them up from school, making pack lunches, helping with home work just being a part of there lives….but all the time S and I were lying to each other, she was in love with the local drug dealer…..kind of wanted that gangster life and I was the biggest G on the streets……hell I even sat one night outside “Little drug dealers” house with my boys and a shot-gun planing on feeding the dogs….till I found out how lucrative that business was and so I just took it…because I could!

Chess is never a good game to play with me, I don’t know why but I can read the moves before they happen,rare I lose.

I could never have made S happy, she would have had to have known the truth about me as much as she hurt me, it was the better outcome and I left it alone, another kid, married and I am hoping happy.

It’s the price we pay for the sins we commit, and S the girl I loved but could never love will always matter for the time we had. The time I shared with those kids…a whole other life…..

Matters no more to me…..new friends smile and making it right …I did something good today…..just beacuse it matters….and its right…..the price I pay is to be alone, never have my own children because of the choices I made, I can’t, and wont hurt, someone else and I wont lie or pretend to be someone else…..this is the blood on my hands….this is how I am and the price I pay…..

We all have a price to pay!

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~ by Duma Key on July 24, 2016.

5 Responses to “”

  1. We become who we are today because of who we were.. And you did good and it sometimes takes us a while to shed masks and get to know the real person who was there hiding all along..
    🙂 Sue

    • Thank you for taking the time to comment on my post! Today I struggled with the darkness in me…but also the way I can use that to make it right…..I keep trying, that’s all I can do….I can’t change yesterday but I can make the lessons I learned better in tomorrow ….I hope one day I can bring at least half the light you do into this world

      • That is all that matters.. NOW moments.. none of us can change the past.. what is done is done.. It happened for a reason.. it was there for us to learn and grow, and wake up to ourselves.. You woke up.. and are WAKING UP big time ever faster.. I will say it again Duma as I have said numerous times.. I am proud of your journey and how far you have travelled..
        And thank you Duma for that huge compliment… But I am only ME.. as You are only YOU.. Doing our best with what we know..
        I am no one special as I said right on my about me page.. WE are ALL of us Special, if we BElieve we are..:-)

  2. I hope you find you can continue to shed your mask…let someone see how much kindness is there…yea…its always been there…sunlight always feels warm on the face doesn’t it?
    I always hope you find happiness you know that right? smiles

    • Thank you Summer, made me smile……but I think there is always a price to pay and I owe a debt to the darkness of yesterday….the darkness of me….so my price to pay for the choices I made!

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