Change and doing it better?

Change is always difficult, as people we struggle with change, we struggle to adapt and all to often change is forced upon us by the outside world and we simply must adapt or fade away.

For me it’s slightly different, though the world around me changed, I had to choose to change the way I lived and the person that I had become, I looked in the mirror and all I saw was this thing, looking back at me, the thing I was, a whole person I did not recognise,  a whole a myriad of broken worlds, broken promises….empty masks that I once wore,promises I failed to keep…it was always too easy to just keep moving on.

One lie becomes another, one world moulds into the next, yet nothing is real when emotion just don’t fit in a bag.

I never did emotion, it was easier that way a world of nothing means nothing.

May be it was my broken childhood, may be its just me, I do not know and I will never have the answers, fact of life, I am an emotionless creature….that climbs from face to face,one mask to another.

I can not change that, I can not go back and rewrite my past, plant roses in a garden full of shit, I can not undo the things I did.

I had to face change,but I also had to choose to make change.

Not easy for a monster like me, not easy embracing emotion when you have never carried that bag or facing the things you have done or the hurt you have caused…..sometimes I just wanted my mask and to run, but I have never run from a fight and I had to fight not only the world but the shadows and darkness in me.

I ran from myself, but we can not fight ourselves for ever? We can not run forever and the masks get thin.

Stopping myself and finding the real me, that was my battle, along the way life helped but not an easy road to navigate.

Today I still struggle, but its a different world, I call in to see my sister and my tiny nephews run up to hug me, put their tiny arms around me and say we love you Uncle D, may be its cos I spoil them or may be it’s because we have fun together, they are kids!

My brothers now call me, talk about there lives, little bro had a slight problem and we sorted it, his wife is now having a baby, new nephew or niece due at Christmas and the two of the will be amazing parents, such a far cry from our childhood.

My friend was in a mess, and felt able to talk to me.

The mother, I have always struggled with any bond there because of stuff I still struggle with, is starting to talk and we are rebuilding bridges and the guy who was a proper Dad to my brothers and sisters still amazes me, If I can do half as much as that guy did for us,then at least I have done something that matters….! He is one amazing guy and despite all my stuff… history as I moved in to the new house….he garbed me hugged me and was like I am proper proud of you son….I can not do emotion but that made me cry…so I did what I do and kicked the f@ck out of some outbuildings that needed to go….I can not do raw emotion…I am still learning the path….but that cut!

I have always had girls on tap, bit of raw sex when I needed it, or just a random bar, grab someone……but it never mattered….today I was looking through my contacts and realised I don’t want that anymore….I want to be there for my friends…but I am also quite lonley…..Never really felt that before….a random shag….Just not enough!

That change kind of worries me…….!

I have tried to change myself for the better….but no dirty hot girls????? arghhhhh


~ by Duma Key on July 8, 2016.

2 Responses to “Change and doing it better?”

  1. Change is hard but sometimes its good…sometimes its necessary–and like the dirty hot girls…eh…sometimes we need something more satisfying…

    I am glad your journey is bringing you to a good place…family is so important…discovering good things about ourself is good too…dare I say sometimes its just maturity…?

    Its all good you know…you deserve much happiness…I believe you will find it…hugs

  2. I agree with Summer.. And I have watched part of your change along this journey of Life Duma.. And it’s ALL Good..
    There will come a point, at some point that all that pent up emotion will spill.. Don’t keep it bottled in their too long.. And be like me.. Then have it all spill out at once in a nervous breakdown.
    Honour your emotions.. Both good and bad, they are there for a reason.
    And its a pleasure to be walking part of your journey with you
    It is good to see you and your family and friends bonding ever closer.

    Love and Blessings

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