My In between place…..and tomorrow…..

Over the last year or so, I have been a rather lazy blogger, this I need to rectify!

The house move has been an absolute nightmare, I went in to my solicitors last week, thinking that I was going in to exchange contracts with a view to completion this week. Even going so far as to book time off work, only to discover there was an issue at the sellers end and they are unable to complete.

After a crazy few days where both my solicitors and the estate agents, refused to answer my calls or update me, I had a few beers and sent an e-mail instructing  both my solicitors and the estate agents that I no longer wished to pursue the sale!

Low and behold, suddenly I became the most popular guy on the planet! Magically estate agents (not in the office 15 minutes ago) are suddenly in the office, Solicitors too busy to take my calls are no longer busy, while I have one on my mobile, the other is calling my landline!

It looks like we should complete next week, which is a right royal pain in the arse for me as we complete the day I return to work! Though I am not counting my chickens till I actually have the keys and I am wondering why the hell I am doing this?

I love it here, but this was always my in between place, the place where “I got over the heart ache” and started to find myself again….. and that’s the thing about this heart ache thing….I dont think you actually ever get over it….more adapt, change, grow…..or like Miss Haversham slowly sit and die…..rememberinging!

It does not just end with that moment it “ENDS” it spins on and on, everything around is the same, but yet nothing ever is….like your favorite food, yet the flavour is gone, life holds no taste, you just eat it because that’s what you need to do, you just carry on because that’s what you need to do even when you smile, inside you cry!

The moment it ends, plays on your mind, the things you said and the things left unsaid, that moment changes everything and you cling on desperate to even the faintest glimmer of hope…..clutching for even the smallest of crumb from the table, in that moment you destroy yourself, I even read that text message she wrote with a kind of desperate hope!

What I should have read, what was evident throughout was more along the lines:-

“I am sorry D, I am a dirty little slag that played you for a fool, not only did I sleep with the local drug dealer, but I proactively encouraged you to get close to the kids with no intentions of furthering this.

While you were out taking my children to church, hockey practice attending meetings at their school, I even had my cousin round for a quick shag and that’s forgetting the random guy I met in the pub.

While I encouraged you to buy my children’s christmas presents, cook our meals and generally run around like a c#nt after me,  I sat my fat arse down on the sofa and checked out all the websites I was on for the next sh@g….I was never interested in you, just what you did for me and my children.

Anyway I have now got feelings for an Ex that cheated on me with all of my friends, and well anyone he could bed, pretty much like me really…..but we are so in love we are having a baby and getting married.

So thanks for the kids Christmas presents, please make sure you drop them round in time and is there any chance you can cook us dinner tonight and pick the kids up from school?”

I am actually laughing while I write this….becuase even though it changed me, it no longer matters to me….it no longer hurts or suffocates me….its just what happened, you can’t love someone who you don’t really know, I never really knew her, just pretended not to see the secret phone, or the text messages….papered over the cracks so I am just as bad as her, if not more so!

May be she is happy,may be not who knows? I miss the kids and the time I had with them and I hope they are happy they were really always important to me!

We move on and we grow, like the faces and masks I used trade I need to move on from here, my in-between place….!

New home, new start I am noticing other girls in a way I have not done for a long time and I know myself much better….I was always the thug…crazy hard sex and a good fight…may be a kebab if I wasnt locked up!

Now would be nice to talk, walk / run a good book and just honest open conversation….I cant change my past, or who I was, I also wont hide the things I have done, the person I was….thats made me who I am today!

To lower the tone…I am a guy and hot dirty sex is always good…almost as good as an amazing book!

~ by Duma Key on May 20, 2016.