A Move, a change, making it right? or getting it wrong!

Existence proceeds Essence.

In the intrinsically meaningless we define ourselves be carving out our own meaning and grasping all that life has to offer.

Today has not been the best day, there are points where my constant battle with lady depression become too much, having spent sometime yesterday down the rabbit hole of my thoughts, I struggled to even get myself out of bed this morning.

Normally by midday, I have run at least 5 miles, today I struggled with the 5 minute walk to the shop for milk, but that’s ok, because its part of who I am. Once I used to run from this, mask my own insecurity and inability to deal with life, behind an illusion of a world where all is well, in effect create a black-hole built upon a foundation of essential lies, that sought only to draw in those around me, the deeper that hole became the more I drew in until all that was left was a world of illusion, that no longer linked with the reality upon which it started.

Today I just write a black line through the page in my diary and try again tomorrow.

I am looking forward to the house move, though today it felt too much, feels like I cant do it, like hiring a van, driving a van, moving my things, starting again, is too much.

The garden requires much work, it will take a few years to make it look how I want, like my garden here.

I think it was the kitchen that drew me most to this house, its much bigger than here, has a rustic feel yet with modern fixtures, to one side there is a solid fuel burner, which links in to the boiler, kind of dual heating system.

The chimney breast is an old style brick feature and I have found some rustic solid wood dinning furniture that will work so well with this room, I can see myself sat during the winter months, the log burner lit at the table with my iPad!

Every place I have lived before has always had the influence of someone else, an ex, a friend, an illusion of who I projected myself to be and so I am struggling here to find me in my choice of style, but at the same time that’s kind of like the fun thing, so I bought some gothic art, because I like that and a really old style grandfather clock , how well this will work together I wont know until I have moved.

I am going to miss this place, the time I spent in garden the fun I had with my nephews, but it was also the beginning of the end for me, it was here that I realised, despite my airs and graces, that I too was as bad as “S”….I traded one person for another, I was selfish and arrogant, I took what I wanted and didn’t give a thought for the damage that I left behind and I hate that part of my past, sometimes I just hate me.

Life is stages, a work of art in motion, I think I have embraced the past, the present and who I am, today I am not who I was yesterday and tomorrow I will not be who I am today, but each day I want to be better at life.

Yesterday I needed to close a chapter, not something I was apt to do, may be the words mattered,may be they didn’t, but it was something I needed to do.

So as my solicitors, rather slowly sort the paperwork, i prepare to move into another stage and a new beginning, not as an image but as the reality of who I am.

Existence proceeds Essence.

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~ by Duma Key on April 15, 2016.

One Response to “A Move, a change, making it right? or getting it wrong!”

  1. As one door closes another opens.. Close the door to the old you Duma and embrace the New You..
    House moves are really stressful.. And tiring.. So take each day as it comes.. And I can tell you are already making your new House a HOME to be content in..
    I know you put a lot of effort into your garden.. But think of all the planning you can do to get it how you want it.. 🙂 New start’s all around

    Love and Blessings to you

    Sue xx

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