Selfish……

Sometimes I struggle with this crazy system, we live with in.

Blasting rock music, drinking beer, I need to clear my head, one more “do good’er” preaching bullshit from their “Ivory tower of academia” and I am liable to take an axe and break it down!

Not sure if I have mentioned this before, for a while I have been doing some voluntary work, its working with children from a “disadvantaged” background, couple of days a week, we meet, we feed the children, have a few hours of play, to “give the struggling parents a break”

When I first got involved, there was a lot of vetting, CRB checks, history checks blah blah blah, strangely enough the people most of these children need protecting from are never vetted, they just reproduce, freely and fuck up more innocent lives.

We have had this one girl coming now for a while, she does not interact, does not play or mix well with the other children, yet the last few times, I have stepped out for a smoke, she has followed me, (always supervised, we never go anywhere with the children alone), on the way back in she reached out and took my hand, pulled me to the lego, so we sat in silence and built things, then she smashed them and we built them again, and she laughed and smashed them again!

Time for food and she holds my hand, takes me to the main table and sits with the other children, normally she steals a small amount of food and hides like a mouse in the corner, nibbling away, as I get up to leave, she starts to back away, so I sit and I stay.

After food, I take her to the Jigsaws and show her how to make pictures from the pieces,she points out the tattoos that line my arms, “Like Jigsaw”…..in a way she is right the Jigsaw of my life lays in the ink with in my skin, and she starts to talk, she wants to talk, I can not do this alone, so bring in one of the other volunteers , reluctant at first but she trusts me and settles, she talks about things in a way a only a 4 year old can, with out the knowledge of the reality and OMG that breaks my heart, such innocence corrupted by life  .

That kid is far stronger than me, as I listen ask the questions we are “trained to ask” I am sinking every second…….

There is nothing I can do…..Monday morning we can make the calls and try to save her…..but its today here and now she needs saving and I am powerless to do anything……

The group has ended, 45 mins later, the poor kid is sat with us alone and the parents actually turn up, she has my hand, she does not want to go back, and does not understand why I have to let that happen and I really don’t understand why I cant smash this parent all over the street, why I cant beat some fucking sense into him….and she wants to play “jigsaw”….I am calm, but so angry…..and she trusted me and like every other adult,I have let her down,I was powerless to stop it…..but I could have stopped it….I could have messed the parent up but socially that’s wrong.

I know I have to do it the right way…..the socially acceptable way…..but in reality what is the right way?

I feel awful as a person, and awful that I let her down…..selfish……

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~ by Duma Key on August 2, 2015.

2 Responses to “Selfish……”

  1. No you are not selfish, even though it hurts like hell to see a vulnerable child put back in the way of more harm..

    You did what you were trained to do.

    You listened..
    And you followed procedures that are put in place by professionals. Whereby a series of more procedures need putting in place..

    Its hard.. Dam hard I know.. And like you if any one touched my 4 yr old Granddaughter I would have those exact feelings believe me and then some.

    But had you done that you would have been dismissed from your place of trust instantly..
    And the sad fact of life is Duma, there are so many more little ones who will trust you enough to talk to you, and tell you their thoughts.. And that is why you are needed.. To support them.

    The proper channels will be opened to follow through. And I know you feel bad, and that little girl can not understand right now why she had to go home..

    You are far from selfish.. You have to be strong.. Strong for the rest who will trust you enough to speak to you.

    I Supported Adults who had horrendous upbringings who had learning difficulties, With physical scars and worse the metal ones which maybe never heals..

    I was so sickened when I had to read through all the case notes.. Its worse still knowing like you its the parents who are hurting and abusing them.

    You did good.. Think what if she had never trusted you to speak up.. On and on it would go.. But she did. Yes it may take time to sort it all out.. But be assured you did all the right things..

    You have no reason to feel selfish..
    Sue ❤

  2. Selfish is probably the last word I would have thought about when reading this–I agree with all that Sue has already said…I just think your such a wonderful soul–she chose you to trust and may following the rules and proper channels I hope she gets the help she needs….its so so sad and happens probably so much more than we are aware…sometimes the system really sucks but sometimes I hope the little hurt ones find happines.s…

    so glad you could be there for her….

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