Sometimes just the crazy way we live……..

So today is my last day off, after a 10 day stint of reclaiming some excess hours, the prospect of work tomorrow evening does not seem very appealing and having adjusted myself to daylight living, the change back into working nights and sleeping days, will be difficult.

Juxtaposed with the current darkness that invades my mind.

“That is the thing about depression, the weird thing is it tends to further isolate you from people, thereby making it even harder for anyone to bridge that gap and really hear you the way you need to be heard. So it becomes progressively more and more  difficult to feel that you are not alone with your pain, which can make despair feel permanent and unsolvable. This is the most insidious thing about depression, I think it makes itself more powerful by dragging you away from the world outside of yourself.”

I am not sure if the time off work in itself was a good thing or a bad thing, I liked the isolation and to combat that, I spent much time working in the garden, but then I am alone with my thoughts……….!

People often trivialize or misunderstand great lady depression, though in herself she can be quite beautiful, you have to handle her like you would do a venomous snake! With awe, respect and a touch of fear, because she bites and bites hard, leaving something deadly but unseen.

I hear people say “Oww I am depressed” meaning they are a little blue, hell I will trade that little blue for this shit any day of the week!

Others, judgmental….. Pull yourself together……But that’s the thing, you can’t, you know its wrong, but become almost powerless to do anything about it….. sounds stupid just saying that, but in effect for me that’s kind of how it works and if I give in, then I would simply not get up in a morning and spend the whole day debating with myself about getting up.

My Grandma had an eye operation yesterday, earlier this year she was rushed into hospital and things were hit and miss, but a month later, I picked her up and brought her home, we put in place long term care plans, it seemed unlikely that she would ever be able to walk with out the aid of a frame and that she would need more and more help.

We talked and I told her that I would do what ever she needed, as would the rest of the family, but at no point are we doing anything that is not needed, so for example the carers come in a morning, but that morning she is capable of showering herself… so……and send the carers away.

(Stick with me there is a point here…..)

Cut a long story short, she is walking unaided, the other day when I went to water her garden she was busy pruning and even cooked me a “Grandma can only do this dinner”

The eye operation was so she could continue to drive!

I knew today her eye would be sore and vision blurred, so I cooked up a Gammon joint, made some potato salad some fresh organic green leaf, cherry tomato and carrot and beat root salad.

(Have found this amazing little farm place, that does boxes of fresh fruit, salad and veg, all home grown all organic, even eggs and big bags of potatoes….and it last so much longer than the stuff from Tesco or Asda)

Anyway returning to the main point, I made Grandma up a lunch, intending to eat with her, but when it came down to actually eating myself, the thought revolted me, I did not want to eat, physically could not eat, so there is a plate of food sat in the fridge, untouched.

I took lunch round to Grandma, lied and said I had already eaten stayed with her for an hour, which ordinarily would have been very pleasurable, but the whole time I was on edge I wanted to be back, hidden in my garden, or in my house, when I am there I want to be some place else, but I am incapable of of escaping…..the very prospect of a trip to the shop sparks hours of debate.

I function at a minimal setting, do the things that need to be done and avoid anything else, I could pick up the phone, speak to friends, they would be here in a shot…..but the prospect of that is too much, I know its wrong and so I make myself do things, today a hard day, so I have made myself write this and spend a silly amount of money booking a holiday, which I will probably regret tomorrow, but to get through I need to hold on to something and I cant stop clawing back up.

I should be excited about the holiday, the hotel is top rate all inclusive all done…..not even a need to drive to the airport, but now I am thinking people and people will be there, I have to interact…….! Numb is how I feel…..!


~ by Duma Key on July 7, 2015.

2 Responses to “Sometimes just the crazy way we live……..”

  1. “Others, judgemental….. Pull yourself together……But that’s the thing, you can’t, you know its wrong, but become almost powerless to do anything about it…”

    I think that phrase was the worse one, you feel like shouting from the roof tops ‘Don’t you think I try?’ It isn’t as simple as that.
    But no one else can do it for us that is also for sure.. So the battle is on going.

    I hope your Gran’s eye soon heals Duma. and what a lovely gesture to cook a meal for her.. and sounds like you have found a gem of a place to buy fresh veg and eggs etc. 🙂 And it sounds as if your Grandma has spirit and lots of Will power!.. to get herself back to being independent.. Me thinks maybe you have a chip off the old block there 🙂

    Going back to what you said about going out.. I know its hard, especially with ALL you have been through and all that is happening now with your Dad..
    But I have faith in You Duma.. and you need to have faith in yourself… And yes you do have to interact… You know only You can push yourself through the door.. And others will lean on you too and need your help, so as much as you want to hibernate I think the universe has other ideas..

    A holiday will do you good… even if at the moment you may not see it as being right.. All things are put in place for a purpose.. And you are following your intuition.. Keep doing just that…

    Sending thoughts your way my friend.. Energy healing being sent across the few miles to the place I was born.. Sheffield.. 🙂 Jessops… 🙂

  2. I am a little late stopping by but I hope you did enjoy the holiday and found some sunshine along the way….I do so enjoy how you treat others…cooking for Grandma….made me smile…

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