Sleep is over rated.

7am Sunday morning and I have been awake since about 3:30am, another night where I failed to sleep right through! May be I should start drinking again!

On the plus side I have managed to get through the entire first series of “Lost” in just under a week, how have I never watched this before?

I wanted to do something last night, attend an event that I think fate kind of drew me to. I just couldn’t do it, sometimes I don’t I think I am good enough to walk alongside the “normals”

Everything has impact, may not necessarily show on the surface, slips deep down inside and we carry that, we carry the times we had no name, the comments, the text messages, the moments ignored and the bitter twisting of the words.

In a moment what matters so little to one can crush the very life of another, but we are all good actors and never let it show.

It’s in the moments alone, that those things grip, make us question who we are, if we are good enough and that’s where I failed last night, I just didn’t think I was good enough, that I am not enough of a person.

Something that came through my door, about hope when I was feeling all hope had gone, not something I would normally even think of attending, was just the timing, the way it fell through my door……something in my mind made me see it past the junk and think may be…..just may be.

But when it came down to it, I just couldn’t go, I know it’s not logical, but in my mind I saw them (the normals) looking down upon me, thinking as they sit in their normal lives with there happy family’s, whats he doing here? he does not belong.

I am not sure I belong anywhere, may be that’s the point.

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~ by Duma Key on November 16, 2014.

6 Responses to “Sleep is over rated.”

  1. Those long dark sleepless hours are the worst as we toss and turn and torment ourselves..
    Look at it like this…….. If you were meant to have gone, then you would have gone.. You chose not to. That is not saying you failed somehow.. It was a choice of yours..

    Self discrimination is the worst pit we fall into Duma.. Feeling of Unworthiness .. Been there done that! and no one gives a monkey’s .. We just dig ourselves an even Bigger Pit to climb into.. Until everyone forgets who we were..

    And its no good drowning our sorrows.. because lets face it.. who are we running away from??? People or ourselves????

    Well the only person here at this moment that Matters is YOU!!!..

    Yes you are Good enough.. YOU have to Believe you are good enough Duma… So I hope you climbed out of Bed… Made yourself a Huge Roast for Sunday.. And take a Good look in the Mirror.. Into your Soul,, those Eyes.. And Tell yourself you ARE Good enough..
    You have pulled yourself up, you shook off those habits, and you have helped others back on track..

    Now its time to get yourself back into gear.. We all of us have backward slides of depression.. Oh boy do we… But no one is going to help us except we help ourselves..
    Sometimes Duma we have to accept ourselves Warts and ALL… we then need to Nurture and Love ourselves Warts an ALL.. Because Not ONE person on this Planet is PERFECT…. we all have our faults, our secrets, our lies, our loathing of our actions.. But we have to learn that ALL of that, ALL of our faults, ALL our failures, our mistakes, the words we spouted, and shouted, IS part of WHO WE ARE…

    Once you look in the mirror.. and learn to Laugh in your own face,, and smile back.. And say.. Hey you… I forgive you.. Ok so I was a so and so.. But that was THEN.. Today I am ME.. and today I am going to nurture Me more.. And when we do that.. and forgive ourselves, and accept ourselves Warts and ALL..

    We then can get some sleep!.. 😉 … And… my fingers ache from all this Chattering I keep spewing forth LOL..
    I have grown very fond of Duma.. And I am so PROUD of how you are healing.. So come on..

    You belong where ever you want to be…. Its only your perception which is telling you otherwise..

    Humour a Dreamwalker…. Remember… * You're WORTH IT*

    • Your thought prints always make me smile, you light shines bright…..thank you for taking the time to read my often messed up thoughts and leave your thought print!

      • Always you are welcome Duma.. You know I will often deliver the Slap on the proverbial posterior! 🙂 to shake you back on track 😉
        Glad to have made you smile.. it was meant to.. 🙂 😀

  2. Everything has impact, may not necessarily show on the surface, slips deep down inside and we carry that, we carry the times we had no name, the comments, the text messages, the moments ignored and the bitter twisting of the words.

    In a moment what matters so little to one can crush the very life of another, but we are all good actors and never let it show.

    ** I cannot tell you how much the above resonated with me …so I won’t because I know you know, and you know I know …and you’ve said it in the perfect way already. Sometimes I wonder if i’ve ever carried a name …

    • …..The Forgotten Girl…….Was listening to Savage Garden this morning, To the Moon and back, I don’t know why but that song made me think of you……..
      You have always carried a name my long time blogging friend, though I think oft you forget that……you forget yourself, all that you have seen and all that you are and the soul with in yourself…..that manifests through your words……your hauntingly beautiful words………
      Once I thought it was us that were wrong…..now I am not so sure…..although we don’t know the rules……we don’t play the game the way the normals do……at least when we give ourselves we actually give it all………

  3. I know how you feel…but for me when I think of you…I cant imagine you not belonging somewhere…you seem like that person who would be easy to approach and speak with…you have great taste…if you speak as well as you write…conversation would be interesting and by golly you can cook too…

    I think all of us doubt ourselves at times…gosh I remember when we moved into this house…into this subdivision…our neighbors all love to build fires and have barbecues and talk and have drinks for any occasion…I thought oh my….I cant cook worth a crap…my husband cant build a fire…we sooo dont belong here…lol…but I love them all like my family now and they accept my strange dishes now…our shortcomings make us human…

    You are such a good person w/ so many positives…and I will not write as much as Sue up there…but just say I hope I am around when you find that happiness in your soul….I really hope to see it…you so deserve it…

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