Winter Sunday Thoughts

Well managed to get the shower fixed today, that being about the highlight of my day! Why can nothing ever be that simple in life?

The dark nights and mixing my working hours between nights and days is really doing little to lighten my mood or lift this dark cloud that settles on my mind, I guess I will just have to ride out the storm.

Happiness is a cigar called Hamlet, Remember that ad? If only happiness was that simple, a product you can buy from the supermarket or corner shop, we would stock up and live out full and happy life’s, but it isn’t and there don’t seem to be a happy ever after around the corner.

Life is so full of questions and the more we think the more we question and the bigger the questions become, is there ever a time when we leave the questions and just accept the status quo?

My question for today, Happiness, what would make me feel happy? And I really do not know, all I know is that I am unhappy through and through.

There is no real reason for this, in a way I feel quite selfish for feeling like this, there are others in the world in much worse situations than me and I should be grateful for where I am.

I worked hard on trying to evolve me, trying to become better as being a person, to understand, listen and view the many dimensions of the world, look deeper at the dynamic of life and open my mind.

I stopped running and hiding behind masks, stopped pretending to be whatever was needed just to scrounge some crumb of the table of the normals, to be given a tiny morsel of what so many others take for granted each and every day.

In some ways I have achieved much, yet in so doing I have drained the world around me of life, there is no structure or routine to my everyday life, when I am not working I drift through the days till I start work again.

When a friend calls or needs something, I spring into action, help them pass the moments, figure out the crisis and set them off to sail again.

The only good thing that I have done with my life is the voluntary work I do with children from under privileged back grounds, though at times I find that hard, hard to watch and see them open up and knowing the hurt they will go back to, the damage that will be done as they grow and mature and the ripples it will have in the future and for future generations yet to come.

Sometime I want to be like a giant sponge, soak up all their pain, hurt, all the torments and horrors from their lives, to take it away make it better for them so the ripples end and the future balances out. But I can’t so instead I give a couple of hours each week of my time.

It kind of feels like I have wasted a life a life until recently I never really fully understood. May be that is the human condition, we are given something totally free, something so big, so immense, that we don’t understand and instead of using what we have been given, we destroy it. Every day we do this to our life support machine, just look at the appalling way we treat our planet, burning the future just to stay warm.

There are so many bad and dark parts of my life, so many things that I chose to do and justified to myself, sometimes as I think back, it make me sick.

May be that is my punishment, the melancholy of knowing and now seeing and the isolation of myself, why I cannot find inner happiness or balance, maybe I just do not deserve to have those things.

All I know for sure is that it’s not just enough to change who you are inside, but the work must continue and flow too into everything I do and everything I touch.

The energy I create today has to be double, once for today and once for yesterday. I need to fill my time with more productive things, build structure and routine into my life, in short I have to step out of my safe haven and wander back into life.

The next few years have to matter, I have to make a difference and I think I need to change my life so that what flows with, in and around me becomes positive.


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~ by Duma Key on November 9, 2014.

One Response to “Winter Sunday Thoughts”

  1. I like this post, it’s uplifting – sometimes I feel that I have wasted so much time and that I have spent years standing still, but then I think of all the risks I have taken all of the ups and downs and chances and I realise that why I have never moved forward I have experienced things that most others will not because I didn’t chose the safe path.

    We are who we are, we have experienced things in the wilderness that many spend their whole lives trying to understand, sometimes I wonder if it is them not us who do not understand happiness …if you have never walked in the shadows of discontent then how do you really know what contentment really feels like?

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