The mistakes of yesterday and today……..

I don’t know if it’s just me or if everything is screwed, life seems to be getting more and more crazy by the day and we seem to have lost touch with our humanity.

I spent this afternoon with an old friend, another of my life screw ups, a girl I slept with but never really committed to, jumping from her bed to life with another. Somehow despite all of this we managed to retain and build a deeper friendship.

The first time I have ever seen her cry was today.

I have always been cold and hard, I keep cold and hard people around me, it reminds me of my isolation, it reminds me of who I am and avoids the unnecessary emotional baggage, that’s not to say we don’t bond, it’s just we don’t have to share our darkness.

I knew things were not good for her, but I didn’t know how bad they were.

We as humans lack good mirrors, we cannot see ourselves as others see us, instead we reflect image. I have been an image my whole life.

I am not sure if it’s me that’s changed or the world around me, but somehow everything is different, the colours have changed.

Today we sat and talked, talked beyond the mask, beyond the cold and deep into the isolation of who we are, may be Crazy Carla-Jayne helped with that, I can’t seem to get her of my mind of late.

Today my friend cried and today I listened, I didn’t reach for my baseball bat, or pick up the phone to my boys, solve the problem…..I just listened and spoke, I shared my thoughts.

I wanted to wipe away her tears, tell her it was all going to be ok, ride in on a big white horse and save the day, but I can’t and I can’t be that person I once was.

We ate and we talked, I drove her back to the hell she dwells in, sat outside alone for a while, wanting to smash in doors and generally hurt……..but now I know….no matter how much I smash stuff up, no matter how many people I hurt, to protect….it will go on and on forever…..like one big game….I can’t save her…….but I can catch her……as a friend. Only she can save herself.

I couldn’t save Crazy Carla-Jayne, but I don’t think she wanted to be saved, she just wanted out, she wanted to be found at least as her, not some rotting corpse in a red bath full of foul water, that at least I did right.

There are soul to be saved even in my dark world and my net is clumsy, I don’t know how to use it…..But I have to try……….because at least I have tried……….

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~ by Duma Key on October 28, 2014.

2 Responses to “The mistakes of yesterday and today……..”

  1. Just checking in on ya…looks like you have and are having some difficult and uneasy times..will be thinking of you and hope there is some peace for you and those you are listening and helping…

    I hope one day you will see the good person that you are..maybe you will feel the light that does shine around you…heck I can see it from here…

    Just gonna send some hugs your way..sometimes we cant always help others pain…but yea…do try…so many hurt out there…

    • Thank you summerrain, I hope life spins well for you.
      There is so much hurt out there, I just cant help thinking that there has to be more to life than this, we are missing the point.

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