The General, a Labyrinth, iPhone 6 and a blast from the past!

The things you hope for the most are the things that destroy you in the end.

Nostalgia has been my word for the last few days, deeply nostalgic and once more I am reminded of The General in his Labyrinth.

It started with the arrival of my new iPhone 6 after allowing the iPhone to synchronise with my iTunes account and update, I discovered that it had also brought back some old photos, that I thought I had removed.

Photos of my time with S and the kids, like an icy blast from the past memory’s surfaced, and a deep since of nostalgic melancholy overtook my thoughts.

I mean don’t get me wrong, having any kind of relationship with S was like a whole series of unnecessary root canals, interspersed with the occasional moment of warmth.
I guess for me I had never known before what it felt like to want someone, not to want to hook up with them or whatever but to want them and now I do.

One day you wake up and realise something, you see something in a way you never did before and boom epiphany something is different forever.

Strange how coincidence all seems to tie life together, like a series of strings overlapping and under lapping weaving the future from the quilt of the past.

Today I needed to go to a place we used to go together, do something we once did together, I don’t know if it was the drive here, the conversations we never had and the dreams left undone or simply the pictures from my phone, but emotion washed over me like a wave.

I arrived here, the first conversation I had was with someone that used to know us, just off hand she asked if I had heard anything from the girl I used to come here with. To which I answered no, we have not spoken in a while.
“That’s a shame, you were close…….”

I can’t get those words out of my mind, were we ever actually close? Or was I simply looking at ideas of her? Like looking at a window with the shades drawn, seeing but never seeing inside.

May be I was lost in my own idea of her an ideal so far from the reality, that I created in my own mind an image of her and when she failed to live up to that image, I felt lost and let down?

Then what does that say about me?

Just how do we get out of the labyrinth?

Or may be the reality was just as it was?

So often in this thing we call love, I see these days people getting lost in an ideal, so lost that they never get to know all the dimensions, so caught up in being in love that they don’t really take the time to think about what they are in love with.

For me for the first time ever, I was part of something more, something bigger, I loved spending time with the kids, watching them grow, being needed and responsible, until then it had always been just me, cold isolated and distant.

Anything that happens all at once is just as likely to unhappen all at once.

Love is tied to truth, like unhappy conjoined twins. Love and truth being tied together, make each other possible.

The sad fact of matter was there was never any truth between us, I don’t even know for sure how many other guys she slept with, the drug dealer and the cousin are a certainty, we were an exchange of images and as much as I wanted it, I could never be the one to make her truly happy.

Up until our paths crossed, I had never thought of children, or relationships in a serious way, there was always a girl, a hook up but nothing was solid, I wasn’t even hard enough to be made of plastic, I was a paper person.

Time with them as a whole, being a part of a family, pack lunches, school runs, days out, bike rides, real defining everyday structure, the hard work and it’s rewards, the tears and the smiles, changed me……that was my epiphany.

It was never going to last, she traded me in and out of her life, in and out of the children’s life’s until the last time when every option fell and I had no choice but to walk.

Did I sacrifice myself to save her? did I help towards a fate she did not want? Or did I assist in her wilful self destruction?

The questions got bigger, my view of myself and the world got bigger and like The General, I found my labyrinth.

When things break, it’s not the actual breaking that prevents them from getting back together, it’s because a piece gets lost. The two remaining ends couldn’t fit together, the whole shape has changed.

Is that what relationships become? An acknowledgment of the lie and the feeling that fell behind it? A reduced version of the hurt, nothing else let in?

But I can not accept that.

We call people exes, I guess because the paths that cross in the middle end up separating at the end. It’s too easy to see an X as a cross out, it’s not, because there is no way of crossing out something like that out, the X is a diagram of two paths.

When things fell apart, as fast as they fell together, I wrote a blog post, in my hurt and my anger and I was wrong to do that, pretty much calling her from a pig to a dog, highlighting what she had done, the choices she made.

I was missing the point, regardless of either the images we looked at of each other, or the reality of who we were, S and the children was my single defining moment, my epiphany, when I awoke saw me and needed to get better as a person.

Before letting go was painless as I had never learnt to hold on.

Now I think how much depends on a best friend, when you wake up in the morning swing your legs out of bed and put your feet on the ground and stand up, you don’t scoot to the edge of the bed and look down to make sure the floor is there. The floor is always there until it’s not.

And so to return to my question and The General in his labyrinth ,

How will we ever get out of this labyrinth?

We have to forgive to survive in the labyrinth, we have to live with all the things done and the things we left undone, things that did not go right, things that seemed ok at the time because we could not see the future.

If only we could see the endless strings of consequence that result from our smallest actions, but we can not know better until knowing better is useless.

That’s where I found the piece that’s been missing for so long, as with all the travellers through my life that I have met, fall and I learnt to catch, we all just orbit at different spheres as we navigate the Labyrinth.

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~ by Duma Key on September 21, 2014.

One Response to “The General, a Labyrinth, iPhone 6 and a blast from the past!”

  1. Duma.. this was a heart-felt post as you dig ever deeper within you soul, looking for answers and reasons.. Finding healing in forgiving and understanding that at times there are no rights and there are no wrongs.. Life just is,.. We walk along our various paths, some smooth, some with obstacles and others with broken glass.. We learn as we walk to climb, and we put on our protection as armour as we tread over the shards of glass.. And should we pass by a similar path, we know to avoid it next time..
    We learn as we go.. there is no manual …we learn to fix things as we go… But we do learn.. and we grow..
    Never forget also that the learning is a two way streak.. You may flip the coin and ask what lessons were you able to bring into her life.. For souls always meet for a reason.. Even if we can not at first see those reasons..
    I am proud of the path you have walked Duma, and how you have matured over the time since that first bad rant..
    Now you have to accept as you have said sometimes we are on different spheres.. and their orbit is taking them in a different direction..

    Well written Duma from your heart..
    Sue

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