Early spring thoughts

 

Its been a while since I last sat and wrote, I really should get back to posting more regularly, I do miss my blog.

 

Well today has panned out to be a rather nice early spring day, one could almost say summer’s day, hoping that the weather continues in this vain for the duration of the year, and why am I talking about the weather? when there are a million and one other things to talk about!

So what have I been up to? I guess one could say, still finding myself! I think that is a life long journey and may be its only at the end we finally find ourselves!

This last year, really has been about finding me, after the dreadful mess S left behind (thinking of it now, she reminds me of one of those crazy drivers, no care or regard for anything other than there own world, quite happily cause an accident, leave a mess and be long gone with out a care in the world as to the carnage they cause) and learning to let go and move forwards, emotionally I would say a very tough year.

I met someone new, not that I was looking, who even now still amazes and has taught me a different kind of love, something I guess more real and more alive than anything I have ever known before.

 

I never really knew or understood love, my childhood was based around anger and violence, that to me was normal, what we came home to each night, the perfect family portrait on the outside, masking a much darker hidden world. I spent years running from any form of emotion or feeling, hiding behind a mask of isolation. Creating a perfect image and moving away when it slipped. Anything that got in my way was removed, sometimes in not so nice a way!

Things in life spun and I ended up back in my home town, back where I came from, the one place I spent my life running from. Ironically it was the light that drew me back here, I guess that’s why that girl and I met.

S came in to my life rather suddenly and again I think there was a reason, along with the kids and a new phase started, I became a part of something, sometimes even now I will be going someplace and remember the most bizarre conversations I would have with the youngest or the twins. They will always share a special part of my mind and as harsh as things panned out will always mean a lot.

The point of this? I guess there entrance into my life caused me to change, see things differently it was no longer about me and I learnt to love and care for those children, even though I lacked the skills or the knowledge. I hope that I did my best.

As for S, that’s a strange one, there has been times when I longed just for an apology, an understanding as to why and what it was all about, but the sad fact of the matter is she never cared, none of our time mattered, I was there to pick up the pieces, make it easy for her till she found something else, in her eyes “better” a point proven by distinct lack of effort to revitalise any part of our rather strange friendship!

I hold no malice and that has been a hard thing for me to figure, in my world you fuck with me and lets just say it never ended well! Lunch on Tuesday with an old friend, we sat by the river and talked, apparently she likes the new me for than the person I once was, but even she was confused by the fact S is still walking around! That made me chuckle.

So I guess after some troubled times, even times where I actually felt like I was going insane, some deep emotional healing and changes I am sat here today, in the late afternoon soon, writing this blog, waiting for my girl to arrive, looking out through the conservatory glass, at a very different world to what I once saw, as a very different person to who I once was.

Pathways and choices, its how we choose to see them, how we choose to walk them that matters in the end.

My thoughts for the day.

 

DK

 

 

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~ by Duma Key on March 13, 2014.

4 Responses to “Early spring thoughts”

  1. ” Pathways and choices, its how we choose to see them, how we choose to walk them that matters in the end.”.. 🙂

    I am so so pleased you turned your corner in your road Duma, I knew you would.. And like I said.. sometimes we have to be lost in order to be found.. I can safely say.. You are finding yourself.. and you will figure out where the next road will take you..

    Enjoy your weekend… 🙂 and thank you for dropping by…. I loved that you did.. Blessings … Sue

    • Thanks, and I hope your weekend was good.
      I watched a film the other night that made me think of you, “The Last Keepers” at lot of the themes reminded me of you and your writing, the links between humanity and nature and this crazy way we destroy things in the name of progress……also the forgotten beauty of nature her gentle art….!

  2. Hello…. It’s been a while. Good to see you are doing well… and, I think growing wiser. Some people… some emotions… just are not worth our time and effort at some point. Things change…. and that’s not always a bad thing. Some things are better to just let go, even if it’s not something we are accustomed to doing. Live and learn. ❤

  3. I s good to hear such a moving on attitude with you….finding your way…finding love….I like it….alot…

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