Trains……the end and Isolated bubbles of Humanity

I have not really felt like writing much of late, not really felt like doing much, isolated bubbles of humanity.

Two weeks back, a friend wrote a letter, left some contact details, dotted all the “i’s”, crossed all the “t’s” then got into his car, drove to the crossing and proceeded to lay down and wait for a train.

Just like that in an isolated bubble of humanity, he was gone.

No one knew how bad things were, to be fair no one suspected a thing, he was the last person I thought would ever contemplate doing something like that.

It wasn’t even a cry for help, but a pre-mediated I want out.

 

Shock, Horror, disbelief a few of the thoughts that crossed my mind, could any of us have done more? could we have helped in some way? Why? Why? Why?

He leaves behind a young son, and many, many people who would have been by his side, no matter how bad it was.

We will never know the answers, nor the reasoning, never know his true plight and if that course of action could have been avoided.

 

It’s reminded me just how isolated I have allowed myself to become, how cut of in my own thoughts and how empty my days have fallen.

After the “S” situation I fell one day from this busy family life to the next with empty days, I had distanced myself from a lot of my friends, the kids and her always came first and so re-joining the human race was hard.

Through the hurt I caught up with old friends, drank, fought, pulled girls….just like the old days…..But it was never enough to dull that ache inside.

Nothing has been enough since, I needed time to heal myself, to figure that I am capable of feeling, of love of something much more than I ever thought.

As a child I was never taught how to process emotion, feeling, instead I learnt to run from it, avoid it at all costs, keep myself away and for many years this worked, I was cold and isolated inside and out, no one could get close and that’s how I liked it.

Girls came and went, it wasn’t important in a relationships or not, I could always get laid.

Camus “Outsider” was much my hero which is probably why I was so good at what I once did, a million mirrors of pain reflecting my ingenious ways to inflict, my past is dark, loaded with secrets.

Through the course of the months afterward “S” much inside me changed, may be I was so angry because she awoke something in me, her and the children and walked away like nothing, I doubt she even saw.

I was left with emotion, feeling, for the first real time and my life with no tools to process it, but a burning desire to get things right.

I have cut out so much of the bad from my life, focused on healing, becoming more whole and finding the right way, but I have not replaced things just created a void.

Work, sleep, gym…..a few beers……round and round we go.

I am much happier now, yet empty.

I am an isolated bubble of humanity and when I look around I see so much.

People are all becoming isolated bubbles of humanity, we no longer talk and support each other, how well do we know our neighbours apart from the ever flowing cliché of Hi how’s you? over the garden wall….all good thanks….nice day today……..!

Empty pointless words to fill a void.

Over the internet we talk to strangers, people we never see, through blogs we share are deepest darkest thoughts yet never talk to those around us.

These isolated fields we keep are they self survival or self destruction?

How have we become so far away from our own humanity? lost in a world of materialism……driven by greed and a need to survive?

Strip this all away and what are we left with?

You were always a good guy, time for everyone, pure and solid in heart, though we will never know the answers I hope now you find peace.

DK

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~ by Duma Key on July 11, 2013.

One Response to “Trains……the end and Isolated bubbles of Humanity”

  1. I will be back to answer in full when I next am on my PC. I’m sorry to hear your friend thought there was no other way than to end his inner pain this way. It leaves so many more pains behind.
    But I also see such a change in you. No longer the anger bubbles within you. As you sieft through your emotions and see yourself in a new light. You have grown. Growing often leaves that feeling of empty space. As we stretch out seeking to fill the void with other things to replace what we think we have lost. And yet often we forgot to fill it in the first place with ‘self’. For we leave out ourselves so often. Forgetting to do what really pleases US.
    Remember to fill some of that space not with the trivia that is expected. Pubs gym etc. But seek out that which you crave. Be it ideas ambition or your creative side. Fill that gap with love of self
    Your friend came to a lonely place. A place he thought no one understood. Many travel there many return. OnlY few of courage take that final step. But what a waste.
    I hope you can dig deeper still and find the spark to ignite your inner soul. Which will fill you up with love beyond that which you ever thought possible.
    Because we are never alone!
    Will be back

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