Beyond the Text Message!!!

 

Navigating life is like navigating a road trip, with no map or clear direction for where we are going, just a whole serious of junctions, a whole serious of choices with no possible way of knowing where you will end up, where each road goes and if indeed you will ever get to where you were going.

The last few months in many ways have proved the most difficult parts of my life to navigate, suddenly I became aware that I needed to face up to life, that I needed to make the right choices to become better than I was.

The whole situation with “S” and the kids spun my world off in a vastly different direction, one day apart of something the next the door is closed and once more on the outside looking in.

I never really realised just how isolated I had allowed myself to become until I became a part of this whole other world, the normal’s take for granted, this kind of family thing. My own childhood was at best a very dark and lonely place, love was never a word we used and affection came at the end of a fist, normality was a smashed up house, a broken dream, the emptiness of never knowing what you were coming home too a never ending rain of violence and destruction.

The “S” situation was always one way, or another going to play out the way it did, I always knew that, even from the early days as she sat and text whilst dishing out her words, I just never thought it would effect me as deeply as it did.

I needed to come out of the whole situation the right way, playing her was as easy a playing a hand of cards, I simply in the end folded and did what I assumed was right, made it easy for her to justify things and slip away.

For me it then became this battle, I had to let go of these feelings and the hurt with out replacing it with bitterness, consuming myself in fire and living as oft so many do in the world of yesterday, becoming more and more eroded by the acidity the bitterness holds, until there is nothing left but emptiness, loneliness and the stench of underlying rot.

I needed to reach further than I had ever done, beyond the bitterness of the situation and actually free myself, my mind and my thoughts.

Often in life when we feel we have been wronged by another (rightly or wrongly) we get lost in the bitterness, we allow our life’s to become overrun with thoughts, even going so far as to seek some kind of revenge, many people including several of my friends both past and present are caught up in this cycle and perhaps will never be free.

These people fail to see why I refuse to hold any kind of grudge “Oww you must really hate her for how she treated you?” or “what a bitch” are often the most common comments when the situation raises its head. They struggle when I say, well no actually I don’t, I don’t hate her at all, nor do I bear her malice, though to this day I still do not, nor do I think I ever will understand the situation!

Of course when I received that text message, it hurt and for months afterwards it hurt, I did the whole feel sorry for myself thing, drown my thoughts in vodka, go out with the boys, start fights etc etc, but I also knew this was not the right way forward, I did not want to end up hung up on somebody that I used to know.

Even tougher still I knew I needed to reach beyond this point push myself higher and harder so that I could genuinely say and feel, its OK, whats done is done and know that if for what ever reason at what ever time in life she was to call, turn up at my door I could with all honestly just accept that, accept the way it was and do what ever was needed because at the end of it all we did share some good times and I genuinely did care, there could be no I told you so, no secret smiles, just a pure and simple clear and honest thought.

I also didn’t want to taint the memory of our time and my time with the children with bitterness.

Navigating these roads with my lack of skills in this emotion field really hasn’t been easy there are many times when I have fallen and found myself wishing all sorts of wonderful painful ends to her story, hoping beyond all hope she was more miserable than I, falling into that trap, yet each time I have also stood back, got up dusted myself off and cleared my thoughts because I never would want to see her or the kids unhappy in anyway. That was what we were always all about, that simple pure fact.

I always think too much, see more than I say and often know a lot more than I let on reading life story’s like words in a book.

Its been a long hard road, some long hard lessons and some very painful times where even the painted smile has cracked, yet despite it all I have pushed myself through over and upwards and somehow I think I have stumbled through to the finish line and can finally say that it doesn’t really matter.

The rights and the wrongs don’t really matter in the end, whats matters is the pureness of my thought and the time we spent.

Choices were made, paths were taken and our journeys carry on in different directions, the time we spent especially the time with the children will always be a special part of my life and my thoughts and may be the way I am seeing things, the way I choose to move forward is the wrong way, but I couldn’t live with hate, nor bitterness inside, I needed to be free.

The premise of our friendship was always pure and unconditional and will always remain that way

Who knows if the paths we choose in life are right or wrong until we take that path we never know, all we can do is use what we feel is right inside like a compass to guide, map out where we have been and what we have seen, so as to learn from the mistakes we make and face each new day, each new set of choices with an open, free and honest heart.

6 months ago I couldn’t have written this, probably would not have even seen things this way and so when I say its ok, its simple and pure, because it is ok.

.

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~ by Duma Key on June 6, 2013.

3 Responses to “Beyond the Text Message!!!”

  1. Duma wow! Now that was an exceptional piece of writting and it does my heart good to know you are much clearer in your thinking. And those of us who have had many similar choices along the junctions of our pathways. Know that it is the cross-roads of pain which although deeply wounding eventually turn us around to face the right direction again.
    I firmly believe you are now stronger emotionally than you have ever been.
    Sometimes life throws us its hurdles to climb over. You stumbled at first. But now I think you will sail over the rest.
    Because you have grown.
    Sending love and light. – Sue

  2. Just dropping in to see how you are doing? Sending some Cosmic Rays your way.. Sue

    • Thank your for your thought print, been an odd few weeks, but your comment made me smile….some reassurance that humanity is not indeed lost!

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