Change …..Part one!

Change in any form is never easy to accept, often we try to hold on, try to fight or resist, happy and content in the same old routine, why does it have to change?

Sometimes we do tell ourselves that we will change, at the beginning of a new relationship a prime example, this time I am going to get it right, this time I won’t do this, I won’t do that, and it lasts a few weeks, may be months, but sooner or later when the excitement has ceased, normality has set in we slip back to the same old routine, doing the things we once did, resisting change.

As hard as change is to accept sometimes we have no choice, left only to play with the hand fate dealt.

My life over the last 5 years has seen some massive change, some good, some not so good, but I am a million miles away from where I was 5 years ago.

It was the twins birthday a couple of weeks ago, as I mentioned in a previous post, this posed a moral dilemma, a crisis of thought. I didn’t want to leave the occasion unmarked, slip away to being just another face in there life’s that came and went, yet at the same time I had to be sure that in marking the occasion, I wasn’t doing it to somehow poke at “S”.

This may sound rather trivial, years back wouldn’t have even crossed my mind, yet now this stuff kind of matters and getting it right was important.

I had bought cards weeks back, they sat idly on the kitchen unit while I debated with myself what was important, what was right and if indeed I was doing this for the kids or to poke at her.

In the end I realised it was the kids that mattered, always mattered, just the thought of not seeing them on their birthdays, no longer being a part of that, never again being a part of that, emotionally hurt and so I guess I figured the right thing the right way.

I put it off for days and days, I didn’t want to face seeing “S”, until it was becoming too late. I waited until it was almost dark, wrote the cards, put some money in them and planned mission impossible…….sneaking around silent as night to her mums and putting them through the door, hence minimising the risk of being seen.

So what’s the point to this post D?

The day of the twins birthday was hard, knowing that I was not a part of that for the first time in years, not a part of the planning, the excitement or a part of their aging, instead discarded thrown out never again to be a part of any of it.

I didn’t really want to check my phone in case “S” messaged saying “We don’t want your cards etc.” like I was the bad guy! However I got a text message from my sister saying “J” my little 2 year old nephew had been talking none stop about his “Uncle D” all week.

The previous weekend I had invited my sister, brother in law “J” and “L” (the new addition at just 3 months old) around for dinner to the new place. I bought “J” a train set, he likes his trains, set it up out in the garden for him. (And when kids toys say easy assembly….DO NOT BE FOOLED……..2 and a half hours it took to put that thing together, I almost took my baseball bat to it.)

“J” was so excited when he came around, too excited to actually eat! Ran round the house shouting “Uncle D New Kitchen, Uncle D new washing machine lots of clothes…..” etc. etc., we played, we talked till reluctantly it was time to leave and little “J” helped clear away his train set ready “for next time.”

Since then every time my sister has gone anywhere, little “J” is off to “Uncle D’S new house” or to “Uncle D’s new car”

I digress……where was I?

O Yes, so I got a message from my sister saying “J” is none stop talking about his “Uncle D” and decided to pop over and see him. The moment I walked through the door, his little eyes lit up and the smile he gave me was enough to lift the darkness that had settled on my heart.

Still not getting where you are going with this D……

The point is suddenly in all of this mess, all of this, I guess I could use heartache here, I have become “Uncle D” I have also learnt to care unconditionally for 3 children that meant the world to me and I guess to feel a strange kind of love for “S”

The whole of my life I have been a cold, hard person, moving from one place to the next, exchanging one mask for another, running from everything, emotion was baggage I could ill afford to carry, a punch or a kick as a child soon teaches us emotion is pain, and hence avoidance is best!

Holding tiny “L” in my arms, “‘J’s” excitement and I suddenly realised that the horrors of our own childhoods, myself my sister and brothers, these children will never see, we will never allow it.

The mistakes and suffering of yesterday, washed away by the birth of a new generation.

I am suddenly a part of my family after years and years of running, I am thinking more and more about what’s right and wrong and becoming a hope a better person every day.

Yes I miss the kids tremendously, it amazes me how easily I slipped into the world of schools, homework, pack lunches, family dinners, how I managed to adapt to the needs of the children and how there is nothing I wouldn’t do for them pure and unconditionally.

As for “S”, very strange girl at first I was very bitter, who wouldn’t be? one day I am part of this world of kids, her life, every day coming and preforming a kind of partner / father role unconditionally being there, sacrificing much to give them all, to receive a text message telling me I was in effect no longer needed good bye!

I was bitter at the way she pushed me from her life, and fell so sweetly on her feet one day I am there the next its someone else.

Now though still a little confused I hope she and the children are happy, unlike my friends I bare her no malice and despite it all should she ever call I would do my best for her, with no resentment, no bitterness simply because it’s the right thing to do.

In all of this I have changed so much, I am struggling to balance it all, fill the void left, the things I once did no longer are a part of me, yet I am not sure where to focus my energy’s!

I recall the first time I met the kids, the boy reciting the books of the bible by memory and the two girls talking so fast and so much I could hardly keep up…..and thinking I have to get this right, I have to change…..and just didn’t know then how far that change would take me.

I was too inexperienced with emotion, with this concept the normals call “love” to understand and unfortunately in the mess “C” a friend got hurt.

As for the future and for “S” I did try to make something of this work, but it couldn’t and so I walked away, she made her choices and I hope they were right and ultimately her and the kids are happy.

My thoughts for today!

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~ by Duma Key on May 7, 2013.

One Response to “Change …..Part one!”

  1. Hi there everyone, it’s my first pay a visit at this site, and post is truly fruitful in support of me, keep up posting these types of content.

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