Thoughts

The sun finally shines today and the wind is slight so all in all looking like its going to be a good day.

I have my sister,brother in law and the two babies coming for dinner today so am looking forward to that is nice that now my little nephew knows who I am, and is quite excited to see me!

Its been an odd week, work wise I needed some normality and so I have been in the office during daylight hours, weird seeing the building so full of life.

My thoughts have been a little all over the place, prehapes has something to do with dropping the happy pills so fast and against recommended medical advice, but I just don’t want to be living fueled up on drugs!

Starting to get more used to life with our S and the kids, still enters my thoughts more often than I would like, but am seeing the reality of the situation and wondering how I got her so wrong, normally I can gauge people very quickly but I guess it was my own inexperience with this feeling thing, that led to my blindness.

I see now that no matter what I did, it would never have been enough like a bottle full of liquid, she would drain until it was empty, nothing left for her to take and discard it forgotten in the trash.

Sometimes I find myself wondering if she even thinks of me as often as I do her, but I know the answer is NO, was never about me for her, just what she could take, I made her life easier.

The twins birthday next week, spun me in to a bit of a moral dilemma, do I just let it slip, do nothing? or should I do something?

I am going to drop them a card and some money at there grandma’s and hope that “S” will pass it on and not try to contact me with some bullshit about them not having it, I never wanted to be a face that came and went in there life, saw to much of that myself.

Struggling a little to keep my thoughts clear at the minute, when it comes to “S” I have found myself angry over the way she lands on her feet once more and I fell apart.

I think sometimes, I hope it all falls apart she is left with nothing and no one and I hate that I think like that.

I don’t want to be that person, to hold those dark thoughts and I am battling with myself to keep my mind pure, clean and let it go.

I know that S and the kids will never be a part of my life, that she will never see her behaviour or the impact it has on other people. But I also know that I will not ever treat anyone in that way, nor will I justify my own bad behaviour with excuses, when I am wrong I will stand back and put it right.

I need to focus now on keeping my thoughts pure and don’t like this anger and resentment that situation has left me with, but I think that’s part of the “normal” process.

The things that I hold are the fact I learn’t to care unconditionally for S and the Kids, that I enjoyed every second of that time and that emotion is something I feel.

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~ by Duma Key on April 20, 2013.

One Response to “Thoughts”

  1. ” I need to focus now on keeping my thoughts pure”……. ” and don’t like this anger and resentment “………..
    Turn it around Dumma, into that fact that you …”learnt to care unconditionally for s and the kids” that they were indeed a Gift even for a short time.. and that you were a gift to her children,…
    I am certain once you truly have learnt to let her go.. totally then you allow yourself permission to move on into another fulfilling relationship ..
    I have faith in you….
    Have FAITH in yourself!
    Sue

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