Between Yesterday and Tomorrow

Slipping between two points in life, stuck between yesterday and tomorrow, is perhaps how best I can explain my state of mind at the moment.

It’s been an odd couple of weeks, where once again life leads me down paths and opens my eyes, change is never easy and old habits are hard to break.

I went out for my birthday with the boys, same old same old, I found myself thinking I don’t belong here anymore. The night started early, we drank, we talked, we laughed and I found myself searching the shadows looking for the one in my dreams. In the end I settled for some pretty little blonde who’s name I cannot remember, perhaps never even knew. The customary fight and the random sex all markers for what used to constitute a good night……Now it’s like a million miles away, truth be told I wanted to be home.

Had an old friend come down for the weekend, she drove me insane, did nothing but drink, sleep, make a mess leave it for me to sort and moan and moan about her problems. I tried to make her see, she needs to heal herself to move forwards, jumping from one relationship to the next will only lead to more of the same and bring her back here, to this dark place once again, more hurt and more wounded than before.

My words fell on idle ears she will go back out there find another man, pretend she is in love, fill her world with his world, leaving everything else behind, then the cracks will show, she will start to fall, end up back alone once more and full of hurt. She couldn’t grasp the need for self-fulfilment, that desire to heal, to become whole for yourself, so she wanders in never ending cycles of ups and downs….and I fear she will never learn. One more part of my past that can no longer be part of my future.

Easter weekend was tough, I kept thinking of “S” and the kids, they would be off school and we would have done stuff together, now I plan my time not around them but without them and truth be told even now it hurts like a bitch.

It was always her world and her kids and I guess I knew she could take it all away any time she chose, which of course she did……..!

My friends don’t get why I have done nothing, nor do they get why I hold no anger or malice, why I hurt, but alone in silence or why no matter what happens if she came to my door and needed help I would open it and help her, with no I told you so, no laughter, just do what is right.

I have been static now in this one town for coming on 4 years, the one town I spent my life running from and I guess I am moving on. The “S” situation hurts, the unnecessary deception, the drug dealers and the lies, that fact that no matter how hard I tried she just simply did not care, cuts and burns but that’s life, pure and simple, millions and millions of people go through it day in day out, what makes me different?

The sun seeps slowly back into my life, winter is always hard, for months on end I sleep through the few hours of day light and work through the night, this winter in many ways has been the longest, hardest, coldest winter I can recall, yet here I am awaiting spring, through the other side.

It’s not perfect in my world, but I am finding that I am making choices, no longer playing games, that the mask I once wore has long since gone and as I am finding me, people are getting to know me.

I am liking the simplicity of the honesty, the uncomplicated way of reality and the fact I am no longer running around with a gun, living like a fool.

I cry and I hurt, I feel lonely sometimes and I miss so badly the kids, even though they are not by blood my own……But I feel!!! and I am starting to live with that.

I am no longer running but standing tall and trying to make the right choices, trying to do the right things and I want a future with kids and the person I can spend my time loving just because I like to see the smile……..!

From the inside out I am starting to heal myself but its leaving a void where the past once was and I am slipping between yesterday and tomorrow not quite fitting into either place just yet……though I will find my way.

~ by Duma Key on April 5, 2013.

5 Responses to “Between Yesterday and Tomorrow”

  1. You will and are finding your way Duma, painful though some days maybe, you are seeing and rightly so, that to sit and wallow in the past, creating the same mistakes as your friend, is not helping you to heal.

    We have to want to heal, we have to want to move on, we have to focus on a future of our creation, not just be content to be absorbed in another’s life to be cast aside when finished with. Again your friend who stayed is repeating a pattern she is unaware she is in. Until she can no longer mend the cracks she has created in her life.

    Finding our true inner selves can take time, as we battle with the many sides we have shown others in order to feel loved, respected, feared even. We have to go within to that inner core on those quiet times within our own space of reflection as we re-evaluate and start to focus upon a future.
    A future which our desires matter. We often forgo our own needs, pushing our own self to one side..

    But we do matter, and those who do not see how you could help someone whom you gave your heart to, do not see the unconditional love that you still feel for S.

    But you are also seeing that you need to nurture yourself, you need to Love yourself, and heal your core which was so badly broken.
    You are doing that now and I am so very proud of how far you have come. At how much you too can see your own reflection has changed as you are no longer battling with the demons inside.. But you are at last facing them and casting them out to reveal perhaps for the first time, the True Duma, who has hidden behind so many props in the past..
    As you shed Anger, and learn to embrace that part of you which is sensitive and caring…. You need to nurture this side..

    Sitting in the silence, bonding with nature, writing down your thoughts, are all part of that Healing…

    I know my friend that you are on your road of recovery, its up to you how fast you pace yourself, its up to you which side of the road you travel upon, its up to you what speed you go…
    This part of your journey of self discovery is all about YOU!..
    And learning to take care of YOU..
    Learn also how to manifest that girl of your dreams, She is out there probably going through her own traumas and lessons, waiting to find one who understands…

    Know Life is mapped out to a certain degree, Its just up us as to what route we take.
    Blessings to you as always Duma

    • These pathways and roads in life are holding much of my interest, looking back over the last few years of my life, in fact all of my life, everything has led me here……with experiance and a more indepth view.
      I ran from this town to escape my broken childhood, I moved through life replacing one mask for another and if I had met “S” at a different junction, I would have been a mask there two….playing a game until the cracks showed and I moved on…..and I would never have felt anything.
      Things kind of happen, I am starting to see for reasons, from those reasons we need to learn, to move to the next path otherwise we get lost in a cycle of endlessness and never really live.
      Each of our lifes cross, each of our paths cross and spin paths other direction, like an infinate maze and prehapes the moves are preplanned but only when we learn can we move to the next path…..
      Probably makes no sense just my thoughts at this late hour!

      • Duma, this makes PERFECT Sense to me… Perfect.. Life is all about learning and moving on, growing and expanding in our Consciousness. You are well on your way of Discovering who you are as you let go of who you have been!..
        Every person we meet either fleeting or long, come into our lives with Gifts, Our Enemies bring us the greatest gifts of all would that we could see it.. For they teach us our harshest lessons which enable us to grow even more quickly..

        I Once had a medium friend of mine, whose life path was fraught with one disaster after another…. She asked me to link in one day and ask her guides WHY she has so many problems and tragedies..
        Even the answer Surprised me at that time some years ago

        I was told she had come to experience this Earth Realm and had said in her blue print, she had wanted to experience as much as she could in one life time..
        I was told to tell her that all though there was no fast track, She was gaining higher ground through her development of how she handled each crisis..
        So in fact she was lifting her vibration higher through the various levels she had set herself to experience..

        I would not have wished her life on anyone, but upon learning that, She was able to understand, that even though we may perceive someone’s hardships and levels of existence as traumatic through suffering, We do not see the ‘higher’ picture of why those individuals go through those particular lessons or experiences..

        I have come to understand that there are No coincidences in life.. ALL is part of the Universal Plan of which we have only a very narrow glimpse of as to the purpose we here to experience and learn from…

        Communicating with those Higher Realms, I know we are all Eternal Beings, here for our Earth Experience…
        And I am pleased our own Paths have crossed.. and I am so pleased you are beginning to see the reasons, once you have mastered a particular emotion/lesson we move onto the next.. Until we learn, those self same lessons tend to repeat over and over until mastered… I think I can safely say.. Your education is well under way! 🙂

  2. Reading about your friend made me think of a song that I used to associate with myself ‘Dissolved Girl’ by Massive Attack. It seems to fit, and part of me still feels her pain – that never ending cycle.

    You know, I have always thought of you as being caring, even when I read of your wildness, see the reflections of darkness that you called your own on my screen, I have always felt your light, your warmth.

    The sunshine is bright and it hurts your eyes and damages your skin, the closer you are to the sun the easier it is too burn, but you my friend, you are the summers morning, the warmth that spreads slowly through your body, some people wake late and the miss the sunrise, but those who manage to watch it and feel its magic are blessed. In knowing you through your words I have been lucky enough to be blessed, to feel the warmth first hand.

    Despite your own misgivings you will make a wonderful parent, the protector yes, always, our pasts do not allow us to be anything but cynical about the harsh reality of the world, but also the nurturer. We grew with thorns my friend because our caretakers did not tend to us, but your children when they come, will grow with love, with the strength of your skin, with the fullness of your heart. They will never know loneliness with a father who sees and feels so much.

    Sometimes I feel like I know you like a second skin, the male equivalent of myself, walking the same road, we pass quietly, most of the time undetected, but I feel your spirit. Other times I realise I know so little of you that if our paths crossed in reality not just spiritually then I could walk right by you and not even notice. How crazy the world is. Long ago when I first started reading you I pictured you as a goth, dark and unrelenting …I was completely off base wasn’t I?

    • Never ending cycles are hard to break, yet my friend you often do so well at breaking free and yet you never see the beauty of yourself.
      There is much darkness with in me, with in my past and around me though I have discovered something else somthing so much more.
      We walk very close roads on some level in life, your words often echo my own thoughts and sometimes in the dead of night, alone in the wilderness I stop and remind myself that you too walk the same road and never feel quite so alone.
      Sad thing about life today is often we talk our deepest darkest secrets out online, via wires and cables, we connect, chat, share parts of our lifes no one ever knows…..yet in reality we could sit in a pub right next to each other and never talk.
      Strangly enough…..through your words and your thoughts… are like a reflection of me…..I doubt we could cross and simply not know……through the echos of our thoughts……..the darkness of the shadows…..I would see!

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