Snow and Changing habits

Second night in work tonight, the early hours of the morning and it’s snowing, hard to believe this time last year I was planning a BBQ. So much has changed in the course of the last year, in a lot of ways so have I, in other ways may be not so much.

It’s been a different kind of day today, I needed to make some changes to my routine and start getting back to doing things on my own, I guess in some ways I have been putting things off, kind of subconsciously waiting for that call or text from “S” saying it’s all gone wrong….blah blah, though I have been focusing on pulling myself back together, I have also let things drift a little.

My work routine became a little sloppy for a start, working nights is hard in so far as it messes with your body clock, though I had “S” and the kids to see too before, my routine would be finish work either sleep at mine or hers, pick the kids up from school, sort dinner, put the kids to bed and leave for work. Without that I got lax, to avoid taking sleeping pills I would come in from work, have a couple of cans of larger and then sleep. Getting up late and rushing for work.

Today I started taking back control, got home cooked some breakfast drank some herbal stuff a friend gave me (supposed to help you sleep) though I would have preferred a joint! And this stuff was rank, but apparently legal! (Though in my opinion, it should be illegal just due to the taste) and slept.

I woke about 4 feeling better than I have done in a long time, disposed of the normal microwave meals (both home and work, when I actually bothered to eat) and cooked some proper food and prepared food for work.

Though I have pulled my thoughts around, my mind is much clearer, the only real physical change I made was the move and dropping the vodka!

The last few weeks have been focused around catching up with old friends, much talk of the dire situation with “S”, much confusion and advice, from people I know and trust, but still too much talk of “S” and the kids, none of that being altogether healthy.

It is that nominal routine that I lost from my life, much of the last few weeks has evolved around drink, friends, late nights and generally keeping busy. Good in some ways, not so good in others.

I got so lost in the world of her and the kids, possibly having never really experiencing that side of life, that I lost a part of me, there are some parts that can stay lost, though some parts I want back.

Getting used to doing things on my own is odd! In the past it’s never bothered me girls came and went I didn’t care either way. I never actually paused my life when I was with them, just came and went when and as I pleased!

I flushed the happy pills away this afternoon, I know you are not supposed to just drop them, but I have never been one for pills and potions and it’s time to break out of this cocoon and re-adjust.

An old friend called me early evening, I let the call drop simply because today I didn’t want to deal with her problems or talk about “S” I just wanted to breathe again and find my feet. Little selfish I know.

I think I am finally letting go of the “S” situation, saying goodbye in my own way, not with a baseball bat as I used to solve most of my problems with, but in the right way at the right time. I no longer feel that deep and burning hurt, nor care too much about the game she chose to play, looking forward to finding new ways, more productive ways to filling my time.

~ by Duma Key on March 22, 2013.

One Response to “Snow and Changing habits”

  1. All Good positive moves…. I too dropped the ‘pills’ just like that.. and it was hard.. I substituted mine for alternative therapies.. some you can read of in my soul journey rambles… which I started and then left alone… as I rambled on far too much about me.. LOL..
    The most important thing Duma, is that you are seeing what is good and not good for you, and you are starting already to think outside your box. And those new ways will start to appear…
    If you want a great read or need inspiration look at the book You can Manifest your destiny by Wayne Dyer .. or find him on YouTube.. he was an inspiration . Also Stuart Wilde books..

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