Rainy day thoughts…………

It’s been a while, I guess I just haven’t felt like sitting down and writing, juxtaposed with the million and one other things going on in my world at the minute.

Its hammering it down with rain today, so much to do but I am being rather selfish and just having some me time.

Reflecting on things, on today, tomorrow and yesterday. In the house move I came across some things, a card from the kids, a wrist band from a concert we went to, some old ticket stubs, brought back memories and a deep burning pain an undying ache, for all that was but never could be.

Kind of threw me in a spin, what to do with these things I couldn’t bear to part with them, yet to keep them reminds me and brings back the pain. So I got a box a special place where I have placed them, safe, but out of the way.

Its hit me how much I have changed, I would never have considered options like this in the past, I would never have felt pain like this in the past. Nothing and no one mattered and crossing me would have been the worst thing you could ever do.

Yet here I am missing something that was only real in my mind. I walked away from the S situation with no malice, no anger, no bitterness my eyes opened and I saw her as who she is, it was always going to play out the way it did. My friends struggle to see why I am not doing anything about what she did, or how she treated me but what’s the point, what is done is done, besides I need to focus my energy on healing me.

The house move is the start, I knew it wouldn’t solve all the problems but it’s the start of a new journey, a new direction.

I have toyed with the past, gone out with the boys, picked up random girls, had great and liberating sex, but it’s no longer enough, I want more.

I brake the back of love for you.

I never really saw at the time that I actually loved that girl, I have never had experience with this kind of thing, I avoid emotional ties, complications, staying isolated and cold.

The truth is there was nothing I wouldn’t do for that girl, when she cried inside I cried, I wanted to wipe away every tear hold her high, see her smile. It wasn’t even about sex, I can’t even explain what it was, but whatever it was, threw me hard and fast. I would have done anything for her, or maybe it was the ideal of who I thought she was.

The point is I felt these things and a love for the kids that was no longer on the surface but deep down inside.

Suddenly in all of this I became a good person, I made mistakes, but I did my best and for once I didn’t fuck things up.

So I broke the back of love for her and walked away doing the only decent thing I have ever achieved, threw all her wrongs, all her choices in the dustbin and let it go.

This is massive for me, in the past I would have hunted her down, destroyed everything and anything that mattered to her and walked away laughing.

Yer I miss her and the kids but every day it gets better, I hate the fact still even now I look on my phone wanting a message from her, but I know that day will never come, I was just a plug till the next thing came along.

What tomorrow holds I have no idea, but I know things will be better, I like being this good person, I like that I care, things matter and that I think through situations and choose to do what’s right, not reach for my baseball bat rock out with my boys and smash things up.

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~ by Duma Key on March 18, 2013.

6 Responses to “Rainy day thoughts…………”

  1. I have something to ask you…

    There is a challenge that happens in April – a way to use what you feel and how you deal to make art – to craft poetry.

    I will give you a link from last year http://www.writersdigest.com/online-editor/april-is-poetry-month-ready-for-our-poem-a-day-challenge

    I will be there and I would love to see you there as well D – I would love to see you write your ass off and be heard by the other people who will be doing the same thing.

    The magic of it all is in what you are ‘forced’ to do – the prompts are a discipline, a way to challenge yourself – a way to change from the inside out.

    I have invited a few other people that I think you would like and if they go for it too we will all be there trying to work it all out for ourselves.

    No obligation – just consider it?

    *hug*

    L.

  2. Going forward in your new skin takes time to adjust. But I am so please that you are stretching and liking the new you….. It can only get better as each day you heal more and more… 🙂 And why not take up that challenge for Wordsweneversaid.. 😀

    • Its not easy moving forwards, its hard admiting the mistakes we made along the way, but things change, life changes and we can stay static or move with it.
      Funny catching up with an old friend, we go back to the start bound by the old ways……..once that was all I needed……..I mixed up respect with fear, people never knew me for who I am, just what I was…….the glitz and the glamour still work for him…..just not for me!

      • thats the beauty of change Duma, Change means not staying the same… 🙂 We each of us have our wake up call.. It brings with it pain.. but know that from now on, the only way is UP.. and I know you are going to make that Climb… one step at a time… But you will grow ever stronger for your experience…

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