Changes, life and growth

It’s strange how people drift in and out of our life’s, how one day we can be best of friends the next total strangers, the more and more I think of this the more and more I am beginning to see our paths inter cross for a reason. People come, people go, but in every interaction, no matter how small or insignificant something changes and shapes the edge of tomorrow.

For so long I have been wandering lost in this darkness, seeing with eyes that did not see and I missed so much.

Time has changed me, people and events have changed me, they shape the edge of the world around me. Am I fixed? No far from it, yet I know that I must aspire to do better, to change and shape myself, to learn from the mistakes of yesterday and complete my own circle, become more whole.

For so long I have talked of mirrors, never recognising the person looking back, for so long I have been lost in the things that did not matter, that I missed the things that did.

My resolution for the start of the beginning of this year, was to make this year count, to actually make it matter.

Physically little has changed, yet mentally so much has, my mind is racing trying to keep track of my thoughts and formulate the way forward.

I am still drinking way too much, but my good friend “lady vodka” and I are having a break. I guess I am still locked with in a very dark state of depression and still struggling to get my head around the “S” situation, but like I said things happen for a reason, I will talk more on this in further posts.

I am moving house soon, a very significant factor in healing myself, getting things right. You see for so long my emphasis, as much as I hate to admit it, was on things, the big house, the nice stuff, all the latest gadgets, I measured my life by the things around me, I wasted my existence on “things” bought in to the dream, sold my soul to the devil.

The new place is smaller, I do not need the massive house that dominates the entire section of the estate, the empty rooms and silent corridors that should be filled with laughter and children, that should breath and ooze happiness and life, instead they have laid empty and dormant like myself for far too long.

The move is a significant change, in that it’s not about stuff, not about image, not about anything but me and finding myself. With the move comes more sweeping change, points I will cover at a later date.

My outlook has changed, there seems to be more colour in life though I am deeply saddened by some of the things I have had to let go, I am also quite excited about what comes next. Kind of like I have started to empty myself of the void, the negative, the things that do not matter to be ready to accept the things that do.

Do I look at myself in the mirror and recognise the person I see? No but I am no longer looking at a stranger, more an evolution of shape, something finding out what it is that it is.

I see so many sad, empty people around, so many people that have just stopped. People seeking justification in the insignificant, or wasting away their existence, I cannot be one of those people anymore, something woke me and I just hope that it’s not too late.

There are people in life, that will never awaken, never change, will justify their own bad behaviour, poor choices, the way they treat the world and others around them in a way that suits their own purpose, without ever stopping to consider who they really are. These people are lost in their own image and never break free, if I held a mirror up to S and showed her who she was, she would only see the image, the justification and shape she gives to her own existence, making it right, because to face the reality of the reflection is to accept the reality of who she is, never any easy task.

My past is dark some of the things I have done, places I have been, lengths that I have gone too are far beyond what would be deemed as acceptable, I can’t go back and change the past, nor can I continue that way. To move forwards I need to make right the errors of yesterday in the choices of tomorrow.

I have stood before that mirror and justified my own bad behaviour, made it fit in my mind, knowing that it was wrong, yet explaining it away. Over the last few months I have had to stand once more and look, past the image but at the reality of what I see, accept my choices, my darkness, accept that I lied to myself to make things look right, justified my choices and actions with image, twisting purity till it was so ugly and disfigured that it became something else.

Never an easy task, none of us really want to accept that we are bad.

It’s that step, that is the significant thing, I could go on and on justifying everything, becoming more and more image, just like the pointless stuff I buy and gather around me, keep on justifying things to myself, or I can choose to stop, accept the past, accept my mistakes, admit the truth and from there I can learn to live, to move forwards and do it right.

Life has somehow got lost down the cracks of this thing we do every day, that for some reason we call “living”

There is so much more I could say here…….and I will do over future posts.

I don’t know what’s wrong or right, nor if I am good or bad, but I am learning to be better, learning to grow and I know that I have to make it better.

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~ by Duma Key on February 27, 2013.

One Response to “Changes, life and growth”

  1. We can all look back Duma to see something in our lives we could have done better.. The thing is you now just need to look forward and accept that the past has now put you upon your present pathway..
    Looking into the Mirror is never a comfortable experience for often none of us like to look up close and see all those wrinkles/cracks which have appeared over the years… No life is with out its scars, the deepest ones are never visible..
    Moving forward takes courage my friend, but you are waking up to seeing the world around you and you have looked deep within your reflections..
    You are already upon that next phase of your journey whether you realise it or not.. One step at a time.. One foot in front of the other. One Day at a time and you are growing…. and you are learning…. and you will make it better……..
    Sue

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