2012 – Year End Thoughts

Early Sunday morning, my last night this week at work. I used to like finishing on a Sunday morning calling for breakfast, then to the supermarket, to pick up stuff for Sunday lunch and pack lunches, spending the rest of the day with S and the Kids. It will be weird today knowing exactly what to do, I mean do I go home and sleep? Do I keep myself awake? So much changes in so little time. I guess it’s better this way.

As the year draws to a close, I am secretly glad to see the back of it. This blackness still grips my mind, is darker and deeper than it’s ever been before and I am struggling to hold on.

Reflecting back upon the last few years, it’s amazing how much has changed with in me. It used to be about money, things, holidays, I always wanted more. I surrounded myself with things, always pushing for that little bit more, nothing else mattered.

Suddenly I found myself in this world of children and other people’s needs and I was lost, so far out of my depth, I didn’t know what to do. So I tried my best.

I never wanted children, never wanted that normal sit down life, part of me was afraid, because of the things I had seen while growing up, that I couldn’t do it. (A) wanted children, she wanted a lot of things I could never give.

For me life was about me, holidays, the business never actually caring about anything, just going along day by day.

Yet one cold Sunday morning, after a 12 hour night shift, I found myself in Leeds on a hockey pitch, freezing cold and hungry when C needed food, I only had a few pounds in my pocket, miles away from a cash point and they didn’t accept cards. I said nothing bought her a bacon roll and a drink and found myself realising that her needs were more important than mine and that no matter what there was nothing I wouldn’t do for any of them.

Massive leap from where I was so long before. It was no longer about money, about things, but more about moments.

I don’t know if I got things right with S and the kids, I only know that I tried, without the necessary skills and without any knowledge of what the “normals” call love, to do what I thought was right and be there for them. I do miss them, but I know that’s more of a selfish need, than what is right.

So that leads me now, to the next chapter in my life and exactly where to go from here.

I need to get it right this time. To do that I guess there are a lot of things that I need to address with in me.

There is no right or wrong in the S situation, we all made choices, some good, some bad and the world spun, I chose to stand by her as a friend and again I hope that I managed that, whether or not she and I remain friends in the future remains to be seen, I have left communication open, the rest is up to her. I do know that no matter what, I will always be there for her and the kids, because that shit matters a great deal to me.

Did I love her? Hmmm that’s a hard one, I don’t really fully understand this concept of love, I guess I kind of did in my own roundabout way, but not in the normal way a boy loves a girl, I am beginning to see that isn’t something that I can ever achieve with any girl. I know that I hated to see her hurt or upset, and like the kids I would have done anything to protect them from that, but you can’t wrap a world up in cotton wool or wave a magic wand and make it all ok, people have to make choices and sometimes they get hurt, all you can do is be a friend and support them through the good and the bad.

For me now, I need to concentrate on healing myself, breaking this depression and keeping busy till it does, losing the image that has so long plagued my life and actually just be me, complete the circle.

I won’t look back on this year with bitterness or regret, just as a point of change and I guess for me a new beginning, and a new much brighter future for S and the kids.

Even in the darkest days there is light, I guess you just have to open your eyes and know where to look.

Hope the new year brings in the things you need.

Best Wishes

DK

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~ by Duma Key on December 30, 2012.

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