Darkness with in

For the first time in weeks, I slept today, not the broken vodka sleep, but the real and lasting kind.

My friend cooked dinner when I awoke and even made me food for work. Truth be told I have been avoiding food, the prospect of cooking for me seemed dull, uninteresting, so I just didn’t bother.

This depression grips hard, its thicker and deeper than I have ever know before, like walking in glue in my mind, my thoughts are entangled and lost, stuck together in this mess of the never ending blackness. My normal controls let me down and I am afraid I cannot break this bout, I can’t figure what’s real from what’s not its making it harder to think.

I need to break free, make some more radical changes, I can’t stay at my friends for ever, but for a while it’s a haven from the storm and I don’t trust myself alone yet. Got to keep busy, filling my time with anything, just so I don’t have to stop.

Looking deep within my soul, my mind and my heart, it’s a dangerous place that I go to, but this battle needs to be done, there is so much darkness with in me that I fear I may never break free. There is something I need to find, lost with in thought, buried by image and years of hiding away, something I need to pull out.

Change is imminent, but it has to be the real and lasting kind so that I can balance myself out and finally be free.

I can’t go back to where I once was, lingering in the shadows, never knowing what it was to feel a part of something, yet I can’t take this feeling with me, the thing that spun it all now sails away. I have to begin again but in the right way, find the right path and become more whole.

My be my core is of darkness and I should stop fighting this fight, give in and return to the shadows. My be I am so wrong, so far broken that I can never be whole and over and over, and over again, the record spins, the world turns.

Pulling myself apart like a jigsaw, tossing the pieces to the floor, mixing them up, analysing them trying to find the fault, that one missing link that will make the picture whole, yet I am doing it with half seeing eyes lost in sweet lady depressions grip, though I allow her to linger awhile in my mind, she cannot stay too long, she and I are so alike, sweet smiles that draw you in to the razors edge.

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~ by Duma Key on December 28, 2012.

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