Xmas day Thoughts


So Xmas came and went, almost in the blink of an eye. Very different Xmas to what I had previously planned, so much changed in so little time.

Saw S and the kids briefly on Xmas day, that was nice, yet difficult, not sure if I will hear from her again but have left communication channels open and at least I know I tried, I always tried.

Xmas day was a mismatch of people, all of us at a junction in life, wandering lost souls in an often too isolated world, we would have each in our own way sat in our own bubbles, alone and lost. When I finally got my head out of my arse (microwave meal and vodka indeed) made a few calls and lined things up.

So we did things differently, all gathered at mine, all brought something and we complied our own version of xmas dinner, which didn’t turn out that bad. I was a little worried we would end up with 8 turkeys stupid amounts of drink and little else, but it turned good in the end.

We left our problems at the door, we cooked, we drank, we talked. Nobody mentioned K’s swollen face and busted lip, nor the way her kids flinched at the touch, but we knew and we know what we have to do, yet that can wait for another day. Phones went to silent and we shut of the outside world, created our own haven from the storms engulfing our life’s.

We made our own cranberry sauce and stuffing, we roasted the turkey and the beef for people like us it seemed almost unreal, yet we made it all work. When we ran out of Champaign J vanished returning half an hour later with a crate, no doubt I will read in the paper Tesco was robbed on Xmas day, but that’s always been J’s way, he acquires the impossible in the most improbable way.

We laughed, we joked, we played with the Kids and for a while stole their pain, talked of old times, good times the things we had done, the places we had been.

There were times throughout the day S and the kids crept into my thoughts, burning deep inside, but I stopped and reminded myself, this is the best way, they are happy now and build a new life not with a friend, but as a family, as it should be, still it didn’t stop me missing them, but that’s the price I must pay.

I am staying with a friend for a few days, while I work, cant shift this depression and is worse than it’s ever been, gnawing at my thoughts twisting them over and I am struggling to differentiate between real thought and those imprisoned in the blackness. Trying to keep busy, anything as long as I am not home alone with just my nightmares.

Truth be told, I have been finishing working, cracking open the vodka and drowning my mind, I don’t feel strong enough yet to return home, I am hoping these new pills will kick in soon and take the edge away, allowing some rational thought to take control. In the meantime, I will stay with my friend and leave the vodka bottle home.

All in all Xmas worked out fine, I guess like life, things happen for a reason and we make the most of what we have, going to limp through to the end of this year, then leave it all behind as I let it slip away.



~ by Duma Key on December 27, 2012.

5 Responses to “Xmas day Thoughts”

  1. Hi Duma, glad to hear you are surrounding yourself with friends… Thats what you need right now… And Vodka and Pills do not make for a good cocktail….. Alcohol can bring you up but it drops you even lower into your pit… I have worked with many such beings whose lives are turned upside down through drinking through their problems ..
    Wishing you a Peaceful few days with your friend… And best wishes for 2013… Life is what we make it… I hope you grasp it like the nettle.. It may sting for a short time my friend… But in fact… Nettles hold many good things… and hold healing properties.. Allow the healing to seep through…. and be gentle with yourself.

    • Vodka and pills are never a good combination and a sweet as her sweet and clear as she may be, my good friend Miss Vodka is no real friend. She has been a break, provided an edge to my side, while I needed that escape, but a long term friend or an answer she is not……the vodka rests now as she knows the rules, it is me that controls her even if the lines looked blured.

      There is a lot to draw from how things have spun, a lot to draw from me, it would have been so easy to slip back to old ways, things I have known and done, that are dark with in me. Smash things up, hurt people, the way its always been done.

      Things have changed much and that person I was is not who I am today, despite the blackness that grips my mind, I know that….and that there is much more to learn and see……as much as this has killed me its also awakened me….and a thurst for more in a new and more posative way…..letting go of things, accepting that just the way life spins, no mater how hard or unfair it is, thats just the way of it.

      I think in my own way, I have done the right thing, in the right way at the right time and I dont want to sour that. Ok things were wrong in how they were played, not the way I would do things…..But everything has a reason….and I think life led me here…..in this way…..otherwise I would have been stuck in that rut…and time would have drifted further on.

      What tomorrow holds I have no idea, but change lingers…..and I need to heal myself…..so that as I move…..I do so in the right way…..what will be will be……!

      • “”..But everything has a reason….and I think life led me here…..in this way……..
        What tomorrow holds I have no idea, but change lingers…..and I need to heal myself…..so that as I move…..I do so in the right way…..what will be will be……!””

        Healing within and seeing through our darker side is the first step of beginning to see the Light of who we really are.. Im working upon my next entry of My Journey of Souls today….

        Stay at your friends a little longer… and keep talking it out.. and Kiss Miss V Goodbye…. She has no friends… Only Hangers on…

        Blessings for Brighter New Year.. It will be tough… I know… Depression is the worst Pit I have ever been in… and it takes great courage to climb out of it.. But you are truly making the Right start and Im so very proud of you Duma…. Keep climbing One step at a time… One foot in front of the other.. and you are so right.. You need to give yourself that Healing time…
        Always here should you need a listening ear..

      • A 5min Video from a lady who wrote the book You Can Heal your Life… She changed mine.. Sue

    • Interesting thought print that you leave, I read your blog post, my mind is not clear enough at the moment to comment, still lost in darkness veil, there is a lot that fits.
      Just letting go of things at the min…..bit like decluttering the attic….you kind of know there are things you need to part with yet at the same time want to keep!
      Thank you for you thoughts and Miss Vodka…..has gone on holiday….I guess she will be gone awhile!

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