Xmas Eve

Its Xmas eve, a very different Xmas to what I had planned, but its ok.

Was out last night, few drinks round town with the boys and that customary Kebab, I don’t even like kebab, yet when ever I am round town, I buy one, all wrapped up nice and neat, take it home and leave it someplace…..The next morning I awaken to the stench of Kebab and spend an hour hunting it down…..!!!!! Why do I do this to myself?

Note to self, may be not leave Xmas shopping till Xmas eve especially with a hang over.

Phones been going mad with invites out, but I want to sit tonight out, home alone. Not so much depressed, but in that sweet state of melancholy. Bottle of wine and a book, its been so long since I have sat and read.

I miss the kids, been difficult today, missing such a big part of their lifes, but I know it’s better this way. They all have the happiness they deserve and start to fall together as a warm family unit.

I look at how much has changed and how much I have changed, still a million miles from where I need to be, but a million miles away from where I was and remind myself that its ok, this is the right way.

I came as a friend when that was needed, I was there when it mattered, I don’t know if I got it right or wrong all I know is I tried, like I have never tried before, just to get it right, and I hope that I did.

Xmas day worrys me greatly, I have this fear we will end up with 8 turkeys, stupid amounts of drink and little else, but then I guess that’s what it’s all about, just a bunch of miss fits getting together, trying to muddle through.

Seeing the kids in the morning and that means a lot, then back to my world as they grow into their new life and I spin mine.

I guess I kind of want kids, but may be left it to late, not that I am old, just the way the world spins.

I am not who I was, nor who I am, yet finding my way and trying to do it the right way.

Just some thoughts…….on this odd Xmas eve.

 

 

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~ by Duma Key on December 24, 2012.

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