Getting it wrong then putting it right

Sometimes I have to wonder at my own sanity, I was driving to work this evening when I caught myself having a full blown conversation with myself, I mean I was actually answering myself……Who does that?

Been an eventful few days a lot of things have changed and finally I am starting to see the clarity of it all and just how wrong I got things.

The e-mail I thought would go unread, was read and responded to, that in itself speaks volumes and I made the effort to put things right.

I was thinking about everything the wrong way around, what I had lost, what I had done, I took something so pure and beautiful, distorted it with my mind into something ugly and twisted. That my friends was very wrong.

The harsh reality of things is, I fucked myself up, sat drinking vodka wallowing in a sea of self pity about how wrong it all was, how much I hurt, how much I had lost and missed the pure simplicity of it all.

We were friends and a massive part of my life was S and the Kids, I chose to be her friend, to walk back into her life as a friend because all I wanted was for them to be happy, pure and simple fact. We shared over 3 years together, pretty much every day and I shared the kids growing up, the good times, the bad times, the fun, laughter and the tears. Everyday I did what I did, because suddenly this shit mattered, it mattered when any of them were upset or ill, it mattered there was milk in the fridge, meals were cooked, pack lunches made. I felt proud to see them grow, proud sat at parents evening listening to how wonderful the kids were doing, exited for them at birthdays and xmas.

I worried when things were not right, tried to help guide and support them in my own clumsy way, having never had experience with kids, I muddled through doing what I thought was right.

I was there for S as a friend as messy as the whole situation was made to look on my blog, she is a good person that’s had to deal with a lot of bad things, things most people would crumble at, she has her ways, she can be a right pain in the arse sometimes, stubborn as a bloody mule ((((actually smiling as I write this)))) and some times the most gawd awful taste in music but in her own round about way her heart is good and she loves her children more than life itself.

Even when a lot of bad things happened, darkness drawn to light, like moths to candles, she tried to make the right choices and held her children close, admirable qualities, she doesn’t drink or take drugs and guides her children in what is right or wrong, always trying to do her best.

I am not saying things were done right or wrong, things happened that’s life and I came as a friend, stood by her as a friend and shared a big part of her life as her friend.

It was a beautiful story, pure in its simplicity and the uncomplex nature of our way, there were no strings, no games, just an ever evolving friendship where by day by day the kids grew more and more a part of me and the life we led worked at that time in that way for both of us.

I grew form the darkness of me, found that I could give a pure and unconditional love, that I could share and learn and every second of every day was pure and precious to me.

My laptop and phone are full of photos, memory’s of time, her and the kids, wanting them all to be happy.

Given how this started, what it was about, when she found love, someone that could offer her what I could never do…..How on earth should I re-grudge her that? That’s not a good friend, that’s not a good person.

I put on an act and made it look good, while I secretly wallowed in “how wrong this was for me” and missed the point, the very thing that drove us in the first place. I let the poison fill my mind, take over my thoughts, I lashed out, drank vodka and messed myself up, tainting what was pure with my own hurt. So very very wrong.

We all seek happiness in life, we all want to be loved, that one person we wake up to that inspires us every day to be better and better, that one person who drives our hearts and our minds and somehow makes everything alright. She found that, found the missing piece.

I missed that, she is finally truly happy, loved and in love and the kids will grow in that light as a new chapter begins, that’s what its all about.

For me that time will always be special and in my own way I will always be there for S and the kids, but they must begin a new journey and so too must I. Whats right and wrong no longer matters, what is important is the one thing that brought us all together in the first place.

May sound a little odd as to why a guy could care so much for a girl yet want nothing in return, but I could never see her in any other way, just a friend, a person, lost on her path, trying to battle on. I could never give her the love she needs in that way and would never have risked tainting something so pure with conditional strings. I never thought of bedding her, never saw her that way, was all about being there to make things a little easier and I hope that I did that.

So much I have learnt about me, so much I have seen and so much I have grown……those are the things that I should have focused on, not the bitterness, the negatives or the darkness.

For me too, things change, I need to find that real love myself, but first I must heal myself. face the reality of me.

I started thinking about journeys, roads and paths, then a holiday some place new, some place I have never been and was thinking of the US, taking a month out of work and going to explore as I explore me, then I was like why a month, why not a year? I want to see the real place, not the sugar coated holiday makers view, but the pure natural beauty of something new.

I can do all of this……with some planning and some thought.

Xmas approaches fast, sitting around alone with a vodka bottle and a microwave meal….wallowing in self pity? WTF was I thinking…..Owwww look at me…….I am a nob! Lets get real…..so I picked up the phone, made some calls……

Doing something different, something new, few of us having some difficult days and that’s ok, that’s life……so we are having our own version of xmas, we are all bringing something, coming round to mine and having our own time in a different way…….though we will probably end up with 4 turkeys a massive amount of booze and very little else……but that’s what its about. The rules are that what ever shit life has thrown at each of us, the problems stay at my front door, pick them up when you leave.

For that time, that one day, some old friends getting together, to catch up, drink, eat and drink some more, talking shit and taking time to show we care and elsewhere S and the Kids will be having there close family time, safe in the love they all deserve.  Where once I sat and cried, now I smile with a warmth and relax safe in the knowledge they are happy, that not matter what he will look after them, love them and take things from here.

Suddenly its all good in fact much better than good!

Enjoy the season, have fun remember the important things, the things that matter as you sit around this Xmas, forget the negatives, the crap, the shit life throws at your door breath and be happy with the things that mater.

DK.

Advertisements

~ by Duma Key on December 22, 2012.

9 Responses to “Getting it wrong then putting it right”

  1. Oh bravo !

    (My story will finish up sort of the way yours did here when I finally finish it – and I am so glad you won’t be alone with that bottle)

    BTW?

    I have always known you were a good person but there were times when you seemed to think you were keeping it a secret…

    Peace to you D,
    L.

    • We live, we learn, I guess thats what life is all about.
      Will be interesting this xmas, some long over due catch ups and some real time spinning the world back around.

      Good person? Hmmm much remains to be seen there, I have changed a lot and things matter now, I guess I try to do the right thing, the right way……!

      Change spins on the wind, the fog has lifted from my mind and for the first time in a long time, I can breath.

      And I think I am finally ready to face a reality of me, the right way in the right place.

      (I look forward to reading the rest of your story, hope those mirrors have cleared and are now reflecting back the light they see)

      • *gentle smile*

        This man/friend I am with now D?

        He fights my mirror and all the ugly/hurtful/damaging images I used to see every day.

        As for you being a good person?

        From the start D – sorry love – if you thought less of your own self – there is nothing about you that doesn’t have ‘good’ / ‘love’ / ‘hope’ as well as ‘strength’ / ‘courage’ / ‘dignity’ and true love.l

        Damn, you sell yourself short…

        Breathe you sweet man – breathe.

        I am so glad I know some of you.

        L,L.

      • People were still – where I wasn’t anymore.

        That made it harder to move on.

        My mirrors hate me – who I am, what I look like – who I have been…

        They are clearing.

        It just takes a while…

        And people like like you to tell me what they see.

        Thank you D.

        Love,
        L.

    • We have to strip away the ugliness of yesterday, the mistakes of the past, look at what we have done, the mistakes we have made and say ok, I did that…..cant change that……but what you can do…..is take away what you learn, never make the same mistakes, change and evolve into a better person…..the mistakes of yesterday will be made right in the good of tomorrow.
      I have been to some dark places, I have done some bad things…….things the “normals” only dream off……but that was a different place a different time and I guess in my own way I am making right what I did.
      Your mirrors will clear, just got to strip away the things that cloud them from your mind….and see the depth with in you, the warmth and depth of your words….often reflects what you fail to see yourself…….

      • *shy/stormy/teary – smile*

        I have never been a ‘normal’ D.

        Ever.

        I can’t even pretend.

        Thank you for letting me in anyway.

        These damned mirrors – yes – they need a good stripping and will get one.

        I – – – want help and have asked.

        If I need extra – I may reach out if — it is ok.

        L.

  2. P,S?

    What I loved most about this post is that you have the chance to put it all right – it didn’t run out on you even while you were wrapped up in the pain too tightly to see it and yourself as you want to be.

    We can’t all have the chance to do it right.

    I am glad that you, at least – will have yours.

    *hugs*

    L.

    • I lost myself in thought and lost sight of what the whole thing was about, choosing instead the Vodka bottle and a focus on what I had lost, forgetting the real reason this whole thing started.
      I have made an effort to correct that minor wabble, undo the things I didnt see, the rest I leave to time and fate what will be will be, but at least I made the effort.
      The days of hanging on to this are long since gone, whats right, whats wrong no longer matters…….just the moments and the memorys will always remain special.
      As happiness spins in one place, I too now need to find the missing link, but to do so there is much I need to resolve, so that it becomes pure and simple, uncomplex and real.

      Your time will come as your thoughts like your words flow free……its easy to get lost in the mundane and forget the things that matter.

      My thoughts and best wishs

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: