So I got it wrong…….so very wrong……!

Its been a mashed up few weeks, probably the hardest point I have ever gone through because things have actually mattered to me, things have been close and for the first time ever since a child I have felt emotion.

There are lessons to be learnt and a million and one things I could say, but I wont.

I started this blog as a place to come and air my thoughts, away from the world. Its always been about experimentation, a free flow of words and a saftey net to catch my often crazy temper. A place I write stuff, dump some of the crazy crap that runs through my head and escape the rules. Once upon a time I would simply have smashed things up, hurt people and things around me, now I come here and write.

I am letting go now, seeing myself in a new light, I have been missing the point in this emotional rollercoaster and for that I am wrong.

Things happen in life for a reason, the world spins on a dime and fractures like light, splitting angles and makeing new paths, somehow in my bath of vodka and emotional pain, I lost sight of that and lost sight of me.

I sent an email that will never be read an echo of a sharde of life, that was never ment to be.

Now I draw a line in the sand and silently walk away, whats right and wrong no longer matters, the toil and trouble of the last few weeks, closed down.

I lost sight of what was important and wallowed in my own pain, I never knew emotions call, I never let myself feel.

Whats done is done and I know that in my own way I gave my best, for no other reason, than I cared.

I cared more about something than I cared about me, I learnt to care on an unconditional level, to worry over things that matter far more than empty words and a promise of a tomorrow that will never come.

Unread words that fall upon the cutting room floor, once it was all, now it is gone.

I spent my whole life running, though at the time I never saw, never really understood. I kept people at bay, I grew in a world of darkness where love was a black eye or broken promise.

Through the words we dont say, the things we dont do, we say more than we ever knew.

I never thought I could or would do this, but I learnt a new way.

So many things are so very wrong, but it doesnt matter anymore, none of it matters, not the words or the thoughts, not who is right or who is wrong, the world will spin on, time will heal and paths will change.

The time I found these things, that I never had in my life, will always remain a special part, the things I shared, tiny smiles, laughter, climbing trees, I will cherish as new beginings with in me, times that mattered much more than I ever even knew. I wont taint those memorys with the poison of thought, just hold them close and pure, frozen now in amber, held close with in my heart. These are the things that matter.

Goodbye becomes the echo of yesterday, hello the call of today.

I have been missing so much in life, trying to keep myself safe, living in the shadows, never complete. One can not change the past nor would I change any part of the last 3 years, given the choice I would do it all again.

Its that deep burning happiness that matters, thats all I ever wanted for you all.

I need to seek now the happiness, the wholeness that I have been missing, living yet not feeling, lost with in self, I never knew a world that spun outside of hurt and pain. I have basked in the darkness, lost myself with in the wilderness and become so far estranged from the reality of me, that even the fabric of life began to strain.

Outside of my own silent suffering, the pain of my own endless thoughts, trying to battle something that could never be more than image, I missed the changing roads, missed the sign posts and found myself in a new place. I lacked the skills to deal correctly with feeling, I lacked the guidance of life to find the right way and chose to get drunk, reflecting over the negative and missing the light, the real reason I was here.

Through doing nothing, you gave so much.

Truth be told nothing really matters than the reality of the moment, and truth in itself is a flawed concept trapped only in a fleeting second that splits into interpretation. I did this she did that……but the memorys, the smiles, the fun……the tears…….are the only things that matter.

Letting go of thought, the unhealthy negatives, with in the ice, I melted.

I have changed, I came back here to get away from some very bad things that I had done, was doing with in my life, our paths crossed and I tried harder to change and I did, and I saw with in that it no longer had to be how it was and I chose to be your friend. I found feeling and a depth of emotion that I never dreamed possible and I learnt to do what I think is right.

My journey is far from complete, but to become more whole, to become a better stronger person, I need to grow, let love in, let people become close, escape the isolation that I have been living in, shed the image and stand pure and strong as me.

Shed of the negative, the thoughts that have been dragging me down, slip from this skin and breath.

Things are so different now with in my mind, my thoughts are clear and I have broken the spell, through times of suffereing some of the greatest moments are achived. I am finally free of the bonds that held me, finally realising what it is to love something so much, that it actually matters more than anything to me.

3 tiny little lights in the world, each unique, each very special, that will go on to acheive great things and will linger in my memory as the first time I ever cared about anything and I will always care.

As life spins on, as time ticks and paths change I know that she has found her happiness, that the 3 lights will shine away from the shadow that once was me. My time there has passed and I did what I thought was right, because every second mattered.

From darkness comes light, lost in words that were never read.

Its not the end, its just a new begining a new direction and I missed that in my bitterness. I have found that I can love, that I can care, that I can process emotion and that I seek a deeper lasting happiness, the only way that I can find that, the only way I can do that, is to free myself from the shadows that have long since plauged my mind, accept myself for who I am and break free from yesterday.

As I leave work today, I am on the edge of tomorrow seeking me.

As I leave work today, I will slip home open the vodka bottle one last time, but this time I drink not to what I thought was lost, but to what I found and to your happiness, your freedom, your love and your health and wish you all well as a new chapter opens.

One last drink to me, before I lay the bottle down, throw away the ciggerates, cut out the darkness and finally come out, do what I should have done so many years before.

Special times, special people, simple thoughts…….whats right whats wrong, who cares…..whats done is done.

This is the way it is, this is the way it was always meant to be, this was always the way it was going to play.

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~ by Duma Key on December 20, 2012.

One Response to “So I got it wrong…….so very wrong……!”

  1. “”I never thought I could or would do this, but I learnt a new way.””

    That is what Life does it teaches us so many lessons in unexpected ways. It was so good to read this post Duma, I came out of my own silence to answer this post as I needed to gather my own thoughts and have time to think for a while away from the world of blog!
    But when this post came into my email on my phone, I had to answer it.. And tell you how proud I am of you for ‘GETTING IT’..
    You have taken the Good memories which so many cast aside as they hang onto bitterness in their lives as they twist their hurts and wounds around around engraving ever deeper scars..
    You were meant to play your part.. a part which I am sure those 2 boys will forever hold deep within their own memory of you.
    Loving is never easy, for it brings so many emotions with it as we discover ourselves as we walk in uncharted territory..

    There is no right or wrong.. there just IS… now, doing the best we know how to do with the tools we have been given..

    So many are brought up in this world lacking those very tools you have shared.. You have shared your love.. Love is a Gift so special.. and those boys will take that with them..

    Know that we meet and greet those who we need to along our own journey.. And there is another waiting to meet and greet you…

    I hope you say Farewell to that Vodka Bottle once and for all Duma, for although its liquid may be clear.. it clouds our judgement and colours our thoughts…

    I wish you well in ‘breaking Free from Yesterday’ And wish you all the very best for ALL of your Tomorrows..
    Blessings
    Sue

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