Its over with is all she wrote…….Gotta love Text messages……so personal!

Its early and I am wide awake, in fact I have been awake since 4am when the effects of the vodka wore off! Couldnt get back to sleep too many thoughts running through my mind.

I don’t think I have ever been hurt like this before in my life, truth be known I never let anyone get under my skin.

This whole situation is one big mess and I am finding it hard to maintain my silence.

Today I am off work and it will probably be the first time in over 3 years that I spend at home, alone.

For the last 3 years or so, every day I have got up stepped into her world and run around after the kids, not that I begrudge that time, just finding it hard to adjust, to knowing that despite all my efforts to hold on, they will never be a part of my life again.

Not having to think about pack lunches, school runs, evening meals………..when its all I have known for so long is hard. Now its like I don’t even exist.

There is a lot to this story that for the moment I don’t want to share, but its wrong to the core, not so much what happened but the way it happened.

Few weeks back now I finished work at 9am went to cover her job, pretty much doing 18 plus hours, the plan being she was going to cook dinner for when I got back.

I knew it was odd, barely even a text message that day and of course when I got back, there was no dinner. I sorted the kids pack lunches and some food whilst so worn out my brain was hardly functioning and she sat on her phone texting. Once things were done she announced that her female friend was coming over for a chat, she was having problems……I already knew she was lying then, I have seen this before. I needed to be gone for 7:30, but that was ok, I needed sleep.

The next morning I awoke to a text message……….along the lines of I needed to tell you something last night…….my feelings for L (an Ex) have returned and he feels the same…….didnt want to hurt you and WE still want you to be a part of our lives.

I don’t know what hurt more, the way things were done or the fact it was a text message…….but in effect what she was saying is found someone else, don’t need you around goodbye.

Things are more complicated, originally we were together, but that was because she wanted to get back at another Ex, which when it worked she promptly sent me an MSN message saying it’s not working, to get back with him……to discover he was still seeing the mother of his child.

She got down, sent me a message saying she needed a friend and so I returned…..and for the next three years entered into the most bizarre style friendship…..where by we did everything together, in fact most people assumed we were together…..and we kind of ran the family, being there for the kids as normal parents do…..we went on holiday together etc etc. Just we were not together.

3 years my life has been consumed by her and the children, who have grown to be just as much a part of me as if they were my own, I have watched them grow, played, run them here there and everywhere, tried to guide and support them, cleaned up after them, worried when they were ill and unhappy…….something I never saw myself doing.

I tried so hard to get it right, whilst at the same time questioning myself, what was so wrong with me?

For her, I have been a rock when she fell I picked her up, when she has needed things, I have sorted them, we bought the kids Xmas presents together, planned Xmas together…….when ever I had other things crop up, she would find a reason to pull me round to her, and so I went…..over and over……..3 plus years of my life………!

Since the text message, again I have done the right thing, whilst inside I am hurting…….told her I am glad she is happy….smiled when she took the tickets I bought for a show we planned to see with the kids and went with him……smiled when I saw the facebook updates…….even rolled over when she said she wanted to go with him to another concert we planned on going to, and watched as they posted pictures over facebook…..saying how happy they are…….(…..and I was looking forward to going!!!).

I mean I want her to be happy, obviously I care a great deal about her and the kids………..but its like now I dont even exist……she will text if she needs something…..and forgets I am there……..Not how I treat my friends.

May be I am being selfish, its not like we were together, but was always impossible for me to escape to find others……while she herself searched…..!

3 years all I have known is her, the kids and this crazy world and now I have to sit back and watch as someone else does the things I once did…..like I was never there.

I went away last week for a couple of days to clear my head, caught up with an old friend and we talked…..I told her how things were……the whole truth in black and white, she went mad……..told me what I already knew……but never wanted to believe.

Probably a lot of this doesnt make sense, unless you see the whole picture…what its really been like……..in a way it was like being married……just with out the bedroom department………, its crazy and I don’t know what to think.

I am questioning everything about me, and I tried so hard to get things right, but I know deep inside that no matter what I did, I was just someone to make her life easier.

When I said I was going away for a couple of days to her and that I was in a really bad place, she said nothing…….never even sent a text to see if I was ok…….yet my other friends………they text and call…….I may not answer but they are there!

Xmas coming up now going to have to buy another set of Xmas presents for the kids, as knowing her the ones we bought will now be from him and her……..and kids don’t pick up stuff like that…….I always said I couldn’t be like there Dads just a face that came and went from there life…..they mean too much to me to just forget……and I don’t think that’s right.

My plans for Xmas out the window…….microwave meal and a bottle of vodka……really not in the mood now for this festive cheer……I will make the effort Xmas day to see the kids, leave my gifts and smile…….I can always smile and make it look good……..come home…..shut out my thoughts and drown in vodka.

From seeing them every day to nothing is killing me……….and may be I am wrong for feeling this way………I should be happy for her……..I just feel a little used, let down……..and annoyed once more it spins well for her……and once more I am left to pick up the pieces………!

Little about the Ex she is now back with……..he cheated on her years ago, cheated on every girl he has been with…..a few months back his long-term girlfriend dropped him for cheating and so he set up a facebook, got in touch with S and told her how down he was, how hurt etc……they talked…….and suddenly he has it all……….and through just trying to do the right thing….I am left hurting……How the fuck is that fair?

I dont blame or dislike the guy, just I struggle with how quickly this all falls and how I am suddenly left outside, when this world has been massive to me!

I have changed so much over these years, I learnt to control my temper, to care for 3 kids and to be a part of something I have never had, nor did I ever think I would want. Before all of this…….I would have got the boys……my toys and…..things would have got a little messed up……regardless of who else got hurt…..!

Now I can’t do that, still couldn’t stand to see her hurt, or the kids……so I smile and make it look good…….but I am battling me……..the younger wild child…..that wants to break free smash things up never gave a toss and the older me……that hurts, that tries to make the right choices…..do the right things……and says I am happy for you…….when my heart is torn apart.

I dont know what to make of it……….I dont know what to think……..nor do………there is something else from all of this the thing that was missing to make what we had a formal relationship……unravels something deeper with in me…….which too I must battle…..and I think I have been battling for far too long.

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~ by Duma Key on December 12, 2012.

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