Talk

Been along day, the hang over from hell, vodka may tempt but she is certainly no friend.
If I am honest I am a mess, trying to muddle through. I am a hard man, little crazy at times but I always try to do what’s right and gawd knows I have tried off late.
I don’t talk in real time about my problems, I keep people at bay, they come to me with their problems, I give advice, support and solutions!
Today I spoke to my brother, actually told him what was running through my mind, even broke down and cried……I never cry…..a smile that masks a thousand sorrows, with eyes that cut the deepest darkest soul that’s me.
We talked, no drink, no weed, just simple honest talk……never done that before….I am never weak.
I would lie if I said it wasn’t hard, I never intended to talk at all. Bought him the new call of duty game, cos I know money’s tight and things like games are a luxury he can not afford! First house, wedding on the go…..!
Still I spoke the words, engraved in silence for so long on my mind….I broke down…..not sure who was more shocked me, or him…..no one ever sees me fall apart! As a blogger friend said in her thought print…..vodka just is not the answer!
We talked, we cleaned his house (just had the place rewired, the electrics were dangerous) and for the first time ever I suddenly felt a part of something….it wasn’t the face of the mask….it wasn’t an image….just me….talking and my brother and his girl listening and I was real, flickered out of the shadows and into the real world.
Strange thing is I kind of liked it, I liked being real, being me…..not what I am supposed to be….but just me.
There were no shadows in the light, no mask, no lies, no pretence….just me raw and naked afraid yet real…..we laughed about my vodka dance, cut across with the raw edge of what needs to be done.
I think may be I have crossed a line, broken through a tiny hole in my mind….come home….little more relaxed, a little more at ease…..with the comfort of knowing that I am not wrong….a little closer to being me…..and you know what it’s no so bad!

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~ by Duma Key on November 22, 2012.

5 Responses to “Talk”

  1. There is something in this post that is so honest and open… It brought a smile of understanding to my face… we all wear the masks of who we are supposed to be… it feels good to take it off and be…

    This is something I have been struggling with for years… your mask may be one of sorrow, be it painful or just easy. Mine is the mask of happiness… not real only masking the insecurities festering inside…

    Yet all in all, people believe me perfect, happy, alive… and my mind has been trying to break me… for years. I have been trying to kill that part of myself also for years… now I see, I can not, so I must live with it and accept it… and its kind of working…

    “.with the comfort of knowing that I am not wrong….a little closer to being me…..and you know what it’s no so bad!”

    this is my favorite line. Thank you for this post

  2. I liked reading this….alot….I hope you find yourself doing this more often…and finding that being yourself…well its enough….and it feels good….again…made me smile…

  3. You touched on it D – when you said “for the first time ever I suddenly felt a part of something….it wasn’t the face of the mask….it wasn’t an image….just me….talking and my brother and his girl listening and I was real”

    Doesn’t it feel – strange but good to be ‘real’?

    Even for moments – odd little moments that just happen.

    I get this (we have shared some on this before)

    And having done the vodka thing recently I will agree with the other sentiment shared above – it isn’t your friend but you do have some others out there who would stand in line to take it’s place.

    Peace,
    L.

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