Vodka mornings and Facebook nightmares

Morning creeps in, slowly and deadly, I am beginning to hate the daylight and the normality of the normal world, finding countless ways to fracture the fabric and distort the illusion of life.
My week is fragmented, working the last two nights spending the rest of today off, to rejoin the normal world for a while tomorrow and Tuesday as I endure some day time hours in the office.

This morning I slipped silently from work, home, found the vodka bottle and got drunk, so as the world dropped into normal mode, I sat home alone, the blinds drawn and disfigured normality.

Facebook, full of doom and gloom, quite boldly she has updated her relationship status linking to the next victim, with out giving the mess she left behind a second thought……..another vodka if you please!!!

I was hoping that it wouldn’t bother me, but I guess it does and if I tell myself I don’t care may be one day soon I won’t! I look a fool but I doubt so much a thought was passed for that. Makes me wonder why I am sitting home alone drinking vodka at 9am and not as before out with a baseball bat smashing things up…….was a time when I would never have stood looking a fool.

Then we change, we grow, things, time, events, people change us and we have to adapt, move on spin on a dime and find a way. I know I can stand and say I did my best, more than most…..and despite the lies and the games, I never faltered and was always there. Yet it still doesn’t stop it hurting nor it feeling unfair that her world falls perfect and mine lay drained.

Its done now, gone, lost in yesterday and I think I am almost able to continue my blog posts, write the second part of my story not with bitterness or twisted knife, but with the honesty of how it was, how it came to be. I had to hold off least my thoughts and feelings twist the pen and make fictions work of empty words.

I look at an image and see what I never saw before, I don’t want to like what I see, but I know inside my mind and my heart that I do and that its time to stop running, to stop draining the thoughts from my mind replacing them with vodkas veil face the reality of me, with out knowing, intending to or wanting to I some how lied myself and that makes me as bad as her.

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~ by Duma Key on November 18, 2012.

11 Responses to “Vodka mornings and Facebook nightmares”

  1. I always thought it would be cool to learn to juggle. But I knew I’d look a fool, learning.
    Oh well. I’ll be a cool fool, not the uncool fool who leans against the wall. And never learns to juggle.
    OK, I’m speaking metaphorically. But I do have a friend now who will teach me to juggle…
    Treating another to love and respect, is never anything to feel a fool about, even if they think you are a fool. Who you are is unchanged by another’s opinion of you, or lack of value on their relationship with you. Even though it hurts us, it’s their problem. You know who you are. You’re not the fool, not really.
    It will get better. I promise.

    • We smile and move on, hurts though I ache she smiles…..but I know now that I tried, and what was right I did…..stood aside the darkness and really tried…..once to the ends of the earth and back……now the worry is no longer mine, and I see that despite it all I have this capacity to love…..I never knew was there…… The children, her children will always remain a special part of my life…..I can not be a face that came and went…….they saw too much of that.as once did I ….and I hope I can bring value to there life’s, what’s right and wrong no longer matters just being there I guess is what counts.
      For me now I need to find the happiness I miss…..never saw…..I need to sleep content in me…..and I am a long way from that…..but now I see…..I find myself no longer lost just paused a while finding my path……though searching the map after several vodka shots with the help of my old time friend jack Daniels isn’t really productive……but I allow this night to hurt and cry…..and tomorrow I breath again!

  2. Yes, sometimes we need some time to just hurt. Then we get a new day [sometimes that takes a while.]
    Peace, Duma.
    PS-It’s just cool that you’re writing. I don’t care what you have to write, if it comes from inside you. I’m just glad you write. Write for you.

    • I missed this place, forgot it for a while, as I tried to live a different way.
      Here I can be me, no books no text to read no rules to grammar or spelling…..my light side the side the normals see gets lost in rules…..and I have to come here to feel the real pulse of writing, art in pure form…..

  3. That’s dang funny. I was sitting here wondering who Anonymous was….
    Wordpress has been giving me all manner of freaky problems lately, too. You think it’s US??? LOL. What’s that say about me, that I wonder?
    I know what you mean, Duma, I have missed this place as well.
    Your blog, it’s your own special place, write how you like, say what you need.

  4. Hey D? If it makes you feel any better – I woke up this morning and reached for the glass of wine I fell to sleep before finishing and thought it was actually a capital way to start the day…

    (I never said I was functional I hope)

    The day I saw a pic of my ex-husband sunning in Florida while I was struggling to feed his kids and pay down the debts he left me was pretty well the last time I cruised facebook looking to see what I knew I was better off not knowing.

    Then there are always the ‘friends’ that were never really there when needed the most – they are all out there too I suppose – all in a big bunch of ‘happy smiling people’ pictures and status updates.

    Embrace the vodka if you must but hun? Avoid the facetrap – it’s all illusion.

    *hug*

    Love to you,
    L.

  5. Duma. You CAN do this. You’re doing it.
    ‘happy smiling people’ pictures and status updates….
    I’m so relieved to hear SOMEONE say Facetrap is shit for your brain when you’re trying to push through hard times; an illusion. [Well, that’s kind of what I think L. said…] My life is not a fucking status update, for non-friends to like or not like….no offense meant to anyone who enjoys it in any good way, but it’s not my game either…and I can really see how it could bum a person out after a breakup. Ugh. Some people use it to hurt people, on purpose. That reminds me of, well, jr. high? Silly, but it can still hurt, big time.
    Life is a game to some people.

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