Evening thoughts…..

Been a rather odd few days, where at times I have struggled to keep myself positive, keep anchored to the shore and not float of in some endless wave of abnormality.

Some stuff with work that may potentially become a problem, I will know more on Friday, hoping that its more a storm in a tea cup, than anything much deeper. Time will tell.

After some debate I have bought the new call of duty for the Vita, that should occupy some time, pointlessly killing little soldiers from all over the world!

I am seeing now that I am free, I don’t have to pretend anymore, put up a mask to please other people and I am thinking more and more about me, whats made me so unhappy for so long, what makes me while away nights lost in a sea of vodka, why I am running all the time.

I think I was afraid, then lost in circumstance yet now it all seems so pointless, I can run for ever but never be truly happy, because I cant run from me……and that’s been the point all along.

Starting to accept things in my own mind, I think I am almost ready to say something, something so deep and dark inside me, that I have hidden from the truth of it all my life, spent years running from it, pretending and living only as a shadow, an illusion of what was supposed to be, but never was.

The more I am thinking the more content my mind seems to become, whilst I am afraid I can also now see this is the only way I can find contentment in me, begin to heal and grow.

I am beginning now to admit to me and pushing aside the walls, keep telling myself its OK and may be just may be if I continue to do so, I will start to believe, break through, stand up and say what needs to be said…..to move forward whole and not a fragment……..I don’t want to spend the rest of my time living and feeling the way I have been.

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~ by Duma Key on November 14, 2012.

6 Responses to “Evening thoughts…..”

  1. Remember for me that it is the journey you take that makes you the person that you are….you are never just a fragment…I hope you do accept the things you find about yourself…it will help you move forward knowing you can be accepted for just who you are…will be thinking of you….

    • Sometimes it’s like a void, staring down and down into endless blackness, can we ever really know anything for sure?

      • I look into the black void, myself. Can we ever really know anything, for sure? A few things, we can….
        Some things, no one can take from you, ever. Not even the void. Not the Voices I wrote about. Not the person that burns your heart out with a hot brand. There is a core in you [and God knows your heart, your true core] that is unshakeable, unbreakable, and has nothing to do with how anyone sees you or what they tell you or how they hurt you. I believe he is you, in you, and you will come to know him better; your true core you.
        It’s true we are on a journey, with many turns along the way. We can’t see up the road. I keep good thoughts for you and wish good travel up the road for you. But just keep moving forward if it seems not to be…there’s always more to come.
        Pearl

      • That comment made me smile, I was stood outside in the bitter winter wind, smoking and thinking when I saw your comment flash up.
        Took the edge of the wind and warmed my core a little.
        Sometimes feels like an uphill struggle, but I guess all you can do is keep going, keep trying, forging onwards it’s comments like yours, people like you that take the edge of the pain and the struggle and make life more tolerable I need more people like this in my life, less of the fakes and the players and more of depth and quality.

  2. Yes, many of us need more people in our lives to see us, and cheer us on. I’ll be on the other side of the road in the same wind, giving you the thumbs up. I’ll be the one with the crooked, broken smile, and the once in a while twinkle in my eye. My coat flapping like crazy. If you watch, we’re out there, here and there…..

    Pearl

  3. PS-uh, I’ll be smoking, too. That wind always rips the cherry away, but I am pretty stubborn…

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