Insane thoughts…….!!!!!!

Its now 3:35am and quite literally I am driving myself insane with thought. I am not sure if its the time of night, lack of sleep or just this deep dark mood I have slipped into of late.

I can’t be sure of anything at the minute, everything seems too difficult or just beyond me. My mind is bending the very fabric of reality  fracturing it like light, splitting it out, distorting it, moving it in the most unnatural way.

I am thinking over and over again, how can I actually be sure of anything………… and this thing on my mind is eating away like a cancer, chewing away the very heart of the rationality I need to be able to fight it.

One minute I am sure, the next not so, then I am sure the other way until I doubt that and then I don’t know anymore and am left wondering how we can ever be sure of anything, when I can’t even be sure if me.

Knotted ball of string, stained by living tangled within, fraid by time, so much so that it would be simple just to throw it all away and start again…….but I can’t because that’s me……and its getting more and more knotted by the day more and more confused, as I untangle to re-tangle, to make more tangles that knot the knots and tangle the tangles.

Day by day my mind gets more and more tangled the Knott’s get bigger and bigger, smaller and smaller, locked up within itself the constant battle of the solitary soldier………!

My pattern of thought is changing and its drawing the world in, I am loosing the ability to figure it out, as hard and as strong as I slam down the walls, put up the barriers, shut out the outside world behind this mask of  “I am fine all is well” the cracks are starting to show and I am afraid the walls will weaken and it will all come flooding out and there won’t be anything I can do.

I just want an answer to figure this out, to work out the way to follow the path.

All of my life I have lived inside my own little world, inside of my mind. As a child any sign of weakness, confusion, failure was an avenue for more hurt, a way to get deeper in, add salt to the wounds. I learnt hard and fast to shut down, to close out the world, keep failure, weakness and problems, like a closely guarded secret deep with in, never ever letting it show.

When you only have your own advise, your own thoughts to guide, who is to say what’s right and wrong? to guide and shape?,where every tiny thing is bad, held up underneath the microscope.

Was this always there? Looking back perhaps it was? Looking at the things from the outside, I could prescribe the answer, but from the inside how could they know that with in which passes show? Its not that simple not like putting together the pieces of a puzzle.

Its consuming everything, drawing all my strength and fight, occupying every waking thought and slipping into dreams.

Over and over I ask myself, each time I can not answer, is it fear or reality that keeps me back? Is it right or wrong, how can I answer when I no longer even know myself………and even if I knew that answer……….could I step out of this skin? Stand before the world and breath? Or just slip back inside myself and hide?

Nothings as it should be, everything’s the same, as the world spins and time ticks…..I am more and more aware of every dropping grain of sand…….and more and more I walk within, lost in a torrent of voices, yelling and screaming and I can’t find the truth, and I don’t want to be like this any more, nor live like this any more…………and I just want to know……

Endless, endless waves that crash upon the shore, wash upon the beach to batter away the land, devouring it, ripping it limb from limb, smashing it upon the shores beneath……on and on like waves the thoughts do come.

Is there no end to this…..? Why is it so easy for some to figure this out yet impossible for me, until I know this I can not know myself and I want to scream, I want to shout………!

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~ by Duma Key on September 23, 2012.

3 Responses to “Insane thoughts…….!!!!!!”

  1. I’ve been there so many times! Pat yourself on the back now for being able to explain yourself even to this extent. For now keep the thought close to your heart that perhaps you have a very intro-perspective mind and that it is a wonderful quality 🙂 I think I’ll be snooping around your blog more often!

  2. Believe me when I say to you Duma, you are far from on your own in this realm of thought.. If I could tell you the amount of sleepless nights of loneliness in my searching for answers and reaching inside of myself to find ME.. and still I search and still I look to find who it is that looks back at me from my reflection..

    The only thing I can say to you my new found friend is that when we get tied within the knots of doubt and our thoughts spin us into a turmoil of uncertainty that our minds seem to want to explode into shreds as we search to find that inner Peace ..
    I have found letting Go of everything in my mind helps to keep me sane..

    Many years ago as I searched for ‘Truth’ in the 90’s I found what I found incomprehensible to my then way of thinking I had to shelve it for a while, until I pondered it some more.. as I dug a little deeper..
    You will find as you Dig you unearth not only the Reality around you, but you will disturb your own roots as you come face to face with those thoughts you had long ago thought buried.

    Many now are finding those self same doubts and uncertainties unfolding as the energies around us all are making us ‘Think’ Deeper for ourselves as we unshackle ourselves from those long ingrained indoctrinated thought processes which we have all been chained to throughout history for the last 5,000 years..

    keep digging away, but take comfort in the knowledge you are far from going insane.. In fact this is the time we are all awakening to the reality of this world.. for it has been but an illusion of our making and now its time those chains are being broken,

    we are going to be witnessing great Change upon this planet and so know that all we are experiencing at this time is testing our resolve..
    Do not let those negative vibrations get a hold, shake them as you wake up to your fears… Letting Fear hold us only holds us back.. Know you are safe and an internal being of light.

    And know also you are Never ever alone…
    Wishing you Peace
    Sue

  3. I felt for a moment you had captured my thoughts….been feeling things and worrying and challenged myself lately….but then I feel silly when I am surrounded by so much love….so I guess at times we all feel this way…you just say and express the emotions so eloquently….so I believe you find the answers within yourself and find happiness….I truly do…..your a very good writer Duma….

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