My Story……Part One

I am going to try and write something, a little different, a little more about me. This is not something that comes easy, I often find it hard to talk about me. One of the main reasons I started this blog was to create somewhere I could come, write things that were on my mind, that often I cannot talk about in the real world, try to gain some further insight into me

I have touched on this subject many times in my posts over the last couple of years, but I think I really need to go through the whole saga, talk about it as it is and as it was, in a way that I can’t talk to my friends or family, lay aside the mask of self-preservation and speak what is playing on my mind. I am going to try and break this down a little into a few parts and I am not even sure that I will publish this, but I guess once its written, once the hard facts are laid out on the examination table, I can begin to really dissect them, and I hope sort things in my own mind. Comments of course are most welcome, often the advice or thoughts of someone else helps shed a light that opens up a whole new perspective.

One other thing before I begin, I am going to try for the most part to write this as honestly as I see things, but I think it is important to bear in mind, this is only my side of the story, my version of events as I see them and as I have pieced them together, every story has two sides, truth always being a relative concept. That established……pull up a chair, pour yourself a drink and come join me by the fire…….!

Where to begin? The beginning is often a very good place to start, but I think I need to talk a little about the back drop, to which this story is set somewhat, to hopefully aid a little understanding filling in the blanks as the story progresses.

A lot of what I am about to say, isn’t easy for me to write, things that I never speak of or admit, those things we all have running like rivers beneath the skin, ever present, but never visible on the outside, things we know about ourselves to be true, yet only allow to surface in the dead of night, alone locked away in our own private world. Like underground rivers, although hidden can never be truly lost, they rise up at times of crisis, plant effluent on our faces, leave their mark reminding us once more of their presence.

Permit me now to diverge a little and I will try not to bore.

The Back Drop

This whole saga began at a point in my life where I was just coming through a rather dark and messy time. A (The girl I was seeing at the time) and I had just split up, I had ended up back in my home town a million miles from how I ever planned or imagined. Instead of riding in on the big white horse of victory, showing the V sign to the people that made my childhood such a living hell, saying I told you I would make it, I came in on the last chance bus to know where, very lost, very alone and very messed up with nothing to show.

Before this, on the outside I had it all, nice place to live, well paid job, business on the side, money in the bank and of course A (or the light as I often referred to her back then). Despite all of this I wasn’t happy, deep down inside, I knew I wasn’t happy. I hated my job, in fact that’s not really true, I did like my job, it was the environment in which I worked that I hated. I won’t bore you with the details, just suffice to say the environment made me dread going in to work, I hated it, I longed for Fridays and escape and would then spend the whole weekend worrying about having to go back into that place on the Monday, so much so it was making me ill.

From the outside, none of this was apparent, and you may find this hard to believe, behind my hard edged exterior, I do think much deeper, I just hide it well.

I made some choices, left the well paid job, took a risk and started to let A (the light) into my life. The risk didn’t pay off and things went from bad to worse, my world fell apart fast and everything I once valued slipped away along with the money, in short I had nothing, except of course A (the light).

Anyone who read some of my early posts about A, may now wonder what happened to her? If truth be known we drifted apart, in many ways I let her go.

A is one of those wonderful rare people, that we meet in life, so full of light and life, in everything she only see’s the good and it would often worry me that the shadows would seek out her light, like mouths and drain her light draw from her all she had to give and leave her for dead, extinguishing her star forever more.

I saw these quality’s in her early on, she often reminded me of a diamond that still saw herself as coal, such perfect pure and natural depth of character, that cannot help but shine and will touch the life’s of many making them that little bit more special, that girl will go on to achieve great things, either directly or as a result of the people she touches.

I was getting more and more messed up, my world had fallen apart, I was back in my home town and struggling for the first time in my life to actually find work, day after day application after application, interview after interview and slowly all I knew was being eroded away, like an acid eating away inside me, I was a shell of who I was and still an image of something that I never was.

I knew holding on to A was wrong and it is probably the only decent thing that I ever did with my life, letting her go, not to try and hold on and hold her back, drain her life light, kill that special light that was and is her. We drifted for a while, but my heart was no longer in it, I never allowed myself to feel anything for anyone, my childhood taught me love is physical pain, but if I am honest I learnt some depth of feeling for that girl.

Things ended and although she knew a part of me, she never really knew me, back then I was all an image, it was the only way I knew to survive. As a child when you are beaten, left unloved and forgotten, you learn fast how to make things look right to the rest of the world, how to act, become an image to mask the pain, to cover the bruise and hide the hurt.

Finally I had a new job and I was starting to find me again.

At this point I was miles away from where I am now, but certainly the new job helped me find my way back again. I don’t know if any of you have ever experienced what it’s like being unemployed, how soul destroying it really is……if not I hope you never find out, trust me on this you don’t ever want to!

In case you are wondering A seems to be doing great, I see her Facebook updates, I know I was right, she is now in Germany teaching and I know that every child she meets, every child she teaches will take something of her light, and make the world a better place, I hope she is happy.

Anyway, forgive me I digress from the story in hand…….take a small break, pour another drink and we shall continue…………

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~ by Duma Key on September 16, 2012.

6 Responses to “My Story……Part One”

  1. You know sometimes we are put upon a rough patch in our lives in order to see just how smooth it was.
    Without those rough roads.. the Bad we wouldnt know the good…

    Yes I know what its like to be made redundant 3 times I was thrown on the heap …… My Hubby too took 12 mths before he finally said OK… you won’t employ me,, so I’ll work for myself.. and he did.. I think its how we overcome these obstacles that make us into the stronger person we are today..
    Relationships break, because they were never strong enough to hold the course..
    I know of heartache… Longing…. and Fear.. and Joy…. ALL components go to making our experience..
    We can either wallow or say OK Universe… so what did I learn from this..??
    And Move onto the next experience..

    For Experience is ALL there is… We choose.. to love, cry, hate or laugh..

    My own Mother didnt speak for over 10 yrs to me.. I grieved and said woe is me.. until I learnt to let go.. I was hanging onto the hurt… no one else..
    For we choose to keep on hurting..

    Life is an amazing school… We learn all the time.. Its up to us to allow the old to go to make room for the New.. For while ever we hold onto the past.. we are stagnant,. We do not allow room for growth..
    To Grow we let the old go to allow room for the new..
    If we are constantly in the past holding onto hurt, regret, anger, fear etc.. We stay stuck…

    Its time to tell your story and air it…
    Let it out .. for all our baggage needs to come out of our inner emotions.. Once we learn to see, feel and let release the negative.. We allow the positive in..
    Life is about Learning and Growing… harsh lessons an all…
    Its if we can learn to move forward.. When we do.. we find that we allow
    the positive, good things back in…
    If we don’t those self same lessons keep on repeating…

    Blessings and I think anyone who tells their stories like you are, are very courageous..
    Keep Growing! my new Friend.. and letting GO on thought at a time..
    🙂
    Sue

  2. One thought at a time…

  3. Duma
    “she often reminded me of a diamond that still saw herself as coal”
    How delightfully strange to read this line. I was just talking about this. Coincidence?
    So, do you still think you are coal? Maybe you’re a diamond, too….
    Pearl

  4. sometimes putting it all out there cleanses our soul…will wait for more…smiles

  5. You know Duma, I dont find it odd at all..
    I think we are often directed to the people we need at that moment in time, often we do not realise the connections of our paths as our journey in life makes our paths cross even for a short time.. We are meant to meet and be with the those whose paths are meant to cross .. Nothing is by chance.. Nothing.. I have to admire this Cosmic Orchestra as we each play our instruments as we finely tune our notes to one another… Each one separate in sound, but together we create a wonderful melody .. We are all of us fine tuning our instruments now as we join in the great orchestra of life..
    I am happy to have met you Duma Key.

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