Girls, drink and life…….!

Saturday night, the bar is pounding, everyone looking for a good time a quick fix, a shot of happiness, an escape from this constant rat race.
First time in a while am out with the boys, letting go of yesterday, getting back to being me.
Business taken care off, some out-of-town boys pushing drugs in my friends bar, empty threats of violence trying to muscle in on her doors, put out with the trash a harsh and firm lesson taught, this is my town, this is the way things are done, don’t play in my world. I got soft, I got weak, I let someone slip under my skin….But I am back now, harder and colder than ever…..this is my way, this is my world, these are my streets….back to what I know, where I belong.
I am thinking I need to party, have some fun, some drink a night with my boys.
They are queuing down the street, I don’t wait in ques, we are straight to the front, the boys on the door move aside, they know me, they know how it works.
Still pumped from earlier, still a little wild, the drinks are coming fast and hard, I need to smoke, the challenge is set as I blatantly light up in the middle of the bar, waiting to see which of the bouncers is crazy enough to challenge me….None do.
Through the haze of smoke, the mist of the dance floor, the flashing lights my eyes spot the pretty little dark-haired girl dancing in the corner……for a moment our eyes meet, and the world freezes, stands still, it’s just her and I…..I already know where this is heading…….!
I know her type, I know what she wants…..I have done this so many times…..she feels it, I feel it and my boys know where this is going.
The music changes, the walls and world may change, but it always comes back to the same thing.
As the night progress her eyes seek mine and mine hers….the boyfriend sensing something, is lost and ill at ease.
I need to slip back to me, who I was before I slipped and fell.
Closer and closer to our table she moves, dancing on the mist, dazzling me, drawing me closer and closer with her eyes…..my boys are on edge, they know the score….the way this will play.
An extra glass comes from the bar, I pour her a drink as she slips into the seat beside me, names now are irrelevant, the game is one…..!
The boyfriend is irritated, comes to join us, marking out his “property” still not seeing what I see, she is coming home with me.
I slide my arm around her, she slides closer to me….I know this type of girl, I know this way.
The nights going to go two ways, the boyfriend is either going to fight and get hurt, or take a taxi and leave, either way she wont be leaving with him.
Her hand is on my leg, slowly moving up and down, the boyfriend is getting angry…..and thats where I see, somehow I have changed…..in the past, I would have let him take his chance, then knock him down….instead I throw a few notes, tell him to get a drink, a taxi, go home, play safe, play wise…..I am not the sort of person you play with…..!
Later still we are now back at mine, music playing, the wine is flowing, clothes are slipping off, up against the wall, on the stairs, in the kitchen….in the bedroom and I am back to being me…its all ok and I am happy……..
But I am not because I am thinking of her, wishing it was her, feeling guilty and bad, yet I have nothing to be guilty about…..wondering is she felt this way when she was playing me for a fool and knowing deep down inside, she never gave me a second thought.
This moment, this moment in time, its sex with a stranger, meaningless dirty sex and I know I can’t go back to who I was, I cant be that person anymore……and I see I want more, so much more…..in the morning she will be gone, back to patch up what ever shreds of her life she can, back to the boyfriend…back to her world…..and I will meet the boys, we will laugh and joke about the night….
But I have changed, I am not who I was and I hate the way I feel…….and prehapes for the first time in my life I am affraid……affraid of being alone……the one nights, the cheap quick easy sex, just don’t cut it anymore……
I guess I get it….I need to see how I was, who I was and what I did…..I needed to learn…..the picture I see of me….isnt what I want to see……I may be the local Gee….but I don’t have to be this way.

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~ by Duma Key on August 22, 2012.

2 Responses to “Girls, drink and life…….!”

  1. I think the fact you stopped and realized this isnt the person you are now….says so very much…more will come one day…

  2. There is only Now and we come to who we are only by being who we were..
    So keep looking Forward… Not back.. and Live in the NOW..
    Sending you a thought or three.. ~Sue

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