Thoughts………

So my time away came to an abrupt end, the pull of work and this “normality” drew me back to the real world, it now feels like I have hardly been away.

Million and one things race through my mind, a million and one things always to do and yet somehow there never seems enough time to fit them all in.

The last few days have seen the sun, a warmth so long forgotten this year, its strange how everything seems a little better when the sun shines. The rains are due to return and no doubt the onset of which will once more darken my mood.

There is something that I need to say to stop running from me, yet no matter how hard I try I just can’t say it, still after all these years I don’t want to accept it.

I have been searching all of my life for some sense of normality, some place that I could hold on to and yet now I see that no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, I can never hold that normality, I can never be that person because inside of me, I am not that person, I am not what I tried to be….the very thing I wanted I can never hold…..It all makes sense now, the broken fragments, the endless battle trying to hold on to something that should be right, that should be normal, but is so far wrong….and I have to wonder if some place, somewhere someone is having a good old laugh…….I never wanted this, I don’t want this and yet here I am and the only way forwards the only way to be free it to face it.

But I can’t, I can’t even say the words so I remain trapped in an endless maze of nothingness when all I ever really wanted was a normality that now I see is so far beyond me.

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~ by Duma Key on July 28, 2012.

2 Responses to “Thoughts………”

  1. Sunny days do always bring a lightness to the world…as for normality…what really is normal? who judges what that really is….maybe just enjoy the sun…be yourself…be true to yourself…and maybe just one day at a time….I hope the sun shines awhile there for you….

  2. We often go through life kind of in a dream, in all my years even though I have a grown up family I love.. I still search for who I am..
    All of my life I have searched to find a place I felt connected too.. I searched through my spiritual side to find that connection.. Looking externally to find that place I felt complete..
    I think we can all look through the mirror and wonder just WHO is staring back at us..
    Maybe I can add a few of my own thoughts here from one of my own posts which you can see you are not alone within these thoughts you have..
    http://suedreamwalker.wordpress.com/2012/05/30/finding-myself-i-am/
    Blessings
    Sue Dreamwalker

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