Somebody that I used to know.

Its been a while since I last came here, to be honest I have been trying to work through a lot of things in real-time, and it always seems to be raining, the rain is never-ending it soaks me to the core and drowns my very soul.

It’s the dead of night, the world sleeps and yet still the rain falls.

I have this on repeat at the moment, there is something hauntingly bitter-sweet about this track.

So much has happened and yet so little, I guess it’s the complications of time……..time always the enemy at out doors……and still the rain falls.

I have been searching for the sunlight, a respite from the endless rains that blight my soul, prey deep upon my mind.

It’s strange how you can go through your whole life believing in something only to find at the end it was nothing more than a shadow, as we try to find ourselves and our way in life, we can end up further away than when we started, in my own way I am becoming somebody that I used to know.

A few weeks back I gave up drinking, I wouldn’t say that I was an alcoholic, far from it yet I was drinking more and more and the prospect of a night with out drink wasnt something that I relished, the drink made life more tolerable for a while, cleared my head and for a time each night would let me breath, but its grip was getting stronger and I found myself drinking to get drunk, not a good place to be in.

Looking back now, I am kind of wondering how I functioned, getting home late at night, drinking till the early hours and getting up early slipping back in to the real world, the only time I wasnt drinking was when I was working, 4 nights a week, though I must admit there has been one or two mornings where I have come in from work and sat drinking.

So the drink has gone, I have had a couple or lapses in my progress, the odd night here and there where I have drunk, but nowhere near as much as I was doing.

It’s strange how I seem to see the sun through drunken eyes and only the rain through sober veins……..somebody that I used to know…..and I don’t even need your love……..

Love, relationships, people and life big thoughts on my mind at the minute…..as I stop cold in the icy rain and think……think about what I want, where I am going, what I am doing……..!

Two years have passed since I first returned back to the town of my birth, the place of my childhood, the street names may have changed……but the shadows of yesterday still linger on, out of sight, yet never out of mind……I am somebody that I used to know.

The physical may have changed, but I seem to be no further on from when I first came here……..I am lost in my own skin, my own thoughts….yet I am starting to wonder if these thoughts are really my thoughts…..is this the way its going to be forever.

I look around so many broken dreams, so many broken promises, in a world of illusion it seems that everything is but an unobtainable dream……and sometimes I just want to scream.

I don’t know how to live in this world, I never gained the necessary parental training, never really learnt the rules…..sometimes I just think I can’t do it….and I avoid it.

I wonder now if I will ever stand here before you and know that I am me………..and not somebody that I used to know.

I am seeing things differently now, I am not sure if I have always seen things this way and just bent my thoughts to correct the error, or if the way I am seeing things is a reaction to the sting of yesterday……..its like a never-ending maze, may be I am just afraid to accept what I already know, or may be the fact that I can’t accept it indicates that it’s not actually what I am.

Just somebody that I used to know.

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~ by Duma Key on May 19, 2012.

2 Responses to “Somebody that I used to know.”

  1. *hug*

    I will comment later – you needed the hug now.

    Love,
    L.

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