So lame….Owwww and its my birthday

This is really hard to write, I don’t talk much about my feelings as such, just brush over what is going on inside my mind…….

I have stupidly been spending a lot of time with the Ex of late, too much time in fact, despite everything I just can’t flush that girl out of my system, I know I should, but I can’t.

She has been struggling a little of late, depressed and down, she also found a lump in a dangerous personal place, which she was refusing to deal with.

We have been to the Dr’s after much arguing and pressure, it turned out to be nothing and she has happy pills.

I can’t be what she wants, I know that now, but I can’t let it go and besides I always said I couldn’t walk away from the kids.

I bent the rules to make it work, stood aside my feelings and stand by as a friend, it’s not easy and I thought I had it under wraps, under control.

We went to the coast today, her sister’s birthday. Her parents, her sister and the twins, the younger one stayed with the other sister.

Things were good, I drove and not once did she moan at my driving, I stayed the previous night, as she was out and I stayed with the kids, we had a good night and she was home early, we talked, watched TV and slept.

Woken early by her crazy neighbour, she came down to me, made a drink and we kind of talked a little more.

The drive was easy, and we found easy parking, she was feeling a little unwell and the motorways were clear, I found it hard to keep the speed down but did so, to make the ride more comfortable.

All was well, untill later in the afternoon, we were playing the 2p arcade machines, I had gone out for a smoke and to catch up on some text messages and phone calls, when of all people and of all places walks by “The Dealer” the guy she played me for a fool with.

I saw him, he me……trapped like a rabbit in headlights he had no option but to walk past me, all the time I could feel my anger growing I wanted to knock him to the ground…..instead odd for me I simply stood in his path and made him walk around me….the fact I let him walk a good sign, I just hoped she didn’t see him.

There are segments in my life, things I do, people I know…..that I keep away from the everyday…..people know as they know me…..but I keep the innocents out and don’t go knocking on your door unless you run with us.

Fate would twist the knife and she saw him pass……and I saw the look in her eyes…..and the hurt……..I dont know it tore me apart……I had to watch the one girl I love hurt by some no mark, I had to stand and see that no matter what I do…..I cant ever be in her eyes…….and yet know that no matter what I could never hurt her like that, I could never bear to see that pain in her eyes……..that I would never ever do that to her…..never treat her how he did……never let her or her children down….and wonder why she doesnt see that………but I guess that’s life.

It hurt seeing her hurt……I dont want to see her hurt…….I hate that.

Keeping it together was hard…….really hard I felt this mad burning desire just to start smashing the place up and believe me when I say it’s not so long back that I would have done that……with no regard or thought…..then run after him……instead I listened to her talk, say she wanted to go her day was ruined……smile….and act strong.

I slipped out for another smoke, gathered my thoughts cooled off and came back…..she none the wiser……smiled in the right places and shut out the pain, shut out the thoughts…….checked out some fit girl with a rather visible thong and told myself……its like the old days I could bed the girl with the thong if I wanted………but if I am honest…..I couldnt cos she is not her……..I hate the way I love her…….I hate the way I jump through hoops…..I move move the stars for no one…..yet her………Grhhhhhhhh.

We played on the beach threw sand…had some fun…..drove back……..ate in a pub again noticeably I checked out a couple of blondes….slipped out for a smoke and got a number that I will never call……..returning to her house put the kids to bed, got her a drink and settled in her bed…..locked the front door, popped the keys through and left wishing her good night.

I come home, alone…..sat in my room…….my house empty……drinking beer on my bed and wishing this would stop hurting, wishing I could rewrite her feelings…….but I cant……once more I fail……and I fail now as her friend……..

I never failed at anything before……..

Just realised its tomorrow……and that makes it my birthday…….have my boys coming over and the family in the afternoon….I just don’t feel like seeing anyone……but will smile….go through the motions and wish I was spending the day with her instead……when did I get so lame……..!

~ by Duma Key on March 25, 2012.