Sunday Morning thoughts once more…..!

This last week seems to have passed in a bit of a blur, with one thing and another I have hardly stopped. Turn around and its the weekend a pause momentarily to start work.

So many things I wanted to get sorted last week, none of which has happened and now back to working all night and sleeping all day.

Finally I got around to sorting out my iPhone, change of networks means I can now access the internet via a personal link from work, my old service provider wanted to charge me for this and there signal strength was never good, I am hoping this will now enable me to spend more time on my blog!

Things with my granddad are not great, due to some complications in classification of his death and what actually caused his passing we are having to wait to get the death certificate before we can finally lay him to rest. Sometimes I worry about the messed up way this so-called social system goes about doing things, too much time dotting “i’s” and crossing “t’s” , that the whole point gets lost in paperwork.

I am feeling a little stressed at the moment, like I am being pulled in too many directions and not finding enough time for me, I have not even touched the PS3 for about 2 weeks.

Getting up in a morning, shower and out all day, home late, few beers and bed, then up again early and so on and so on.

Not just the physical world that seems to be pulling in every direction, but a mentally I am pulling myself all over the place, I have this conflict in my mind and I am quite literally ripping myself apart with out really knowing what to think, I guess that’s why I am running around so much, anything to stop me thinking.

But the thoughts don’t stop, they don’t go away and I am still feeling this pull towards the Ex, I know I should be over this, still bugs me the way things were done, and it bugs me that on some messed up level I still have feelings for her.

Then on the other hand I have this battle going on inside my head, about who I really am, something long and deep engrained far back in my mind, something I never faced…..sometimes I think this defines me, it is who I am and I think ok I can sort this. Then I switch over and it’s not ok, it’s not me…..and may be its my way of dealing with what happened with the Ex……..

I feel like I could scream, I feel myself getting angry over stupid things… temper always on edge, I am biting and snapping when really I shouldnt and stupid little things bug me…..things that would never bug me before.

There seems so many things I want to do, but I am sucked into this vacuum and I am not getting them done……….

If only life were as simple as the toss of a coin, the answers falling into place…..but its not……and I can’t figure this out…..I wish I could rewrite the story as easily as I edit my work, make things the way I want them to be.

Can we ever really find our true self, can we ever really figure out who we are and know for sure?

I have been thinking a lot about God as well, its more on a deeper level…..its kind weird, almost like I am supposed to be seeing something, yet I cant see it……but I am thinking and feeling this……I dont know feeling…….its not easy to describe…….its not even like I am one of these good people who devote their lifes, do good works……talk God…….yet I have kind of wandered into this God thing and now it holds me…… makes me see….and think along another road………question things………

Then Questioning things then makes me wonder if this other part of my mind can actually be right……..!

I would kill for a good nights sleep and some silence in my mind right now.


~ by Duma Key on March 18, 2012.

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