People confuse me………..!

I have been thinking a lot of late about life, particularly where I am, what I am doing and who I am, trying to figure a way forward that’s going to work.

I know at the moment I am not happy, am not really breathing the breath of life just kind of rolling on day by day.

I caught up with an old friend recently, we parted on not too great terms, her life was going one way and mine another, we were both making mistakes that would draw us back together at some point in the future, though at the time neither of us knew this or saw it.

I wonder if we had of known, would we have continued down that path, would we be where we are today?

Julie and I met many years ago via work, she intrigued me from the first time I saw her with her rather deep questions during her initial interview.

She came to work for me and we got to know each other, she had just split from a long-term ex, who was both controlling and unfaithful and was starting to build a new life.

I was at the time lost in my work, in fact that was all I did, so she was a breath of fresh air and brought me out of work and back into the social scene.

Now Julie is your typical picture perfect girl, she has the perfect smile, the longest straightest blonde hair, ice white teeth and very deep drawing eyes….its always the eyes for me. It was never about the way she looked, but the person behind the look that intrigued me, caught my interest.

As time passed we got to know each other, had our ups and downs as often friendships do. For the first time in life I started to make the effort with people, I am normally cold and reserved, I don’t trust people, in fact half the time I don’t even like them.

In the back ground was always this Ex, a big fat kid that had some mental problems, the extent of which would roll out in due course. Somehow he latched onto her and despite her attempts to move on, he kept clawing her back, constant endless text messages, promises of a tomorrow that would never happen, anything to get her back into his life.

At the time I was confused, about a lot of things and prehaps rather selfishly wanted to hang on to her, but I could also see that he was wrong, what he was doing and how he was doing it……”When you play the game the way I do, you learn to spot other game players, you see the rules, read the warnings….know the next move.”

I knew that Julie was my friend and that I cared for her, which for me is rare and yet prehaps at the time I held my own agenda, prehaps may be I wanted her, its hard to say for sure, though I would never have been good for her.

Anyway I digress, Julie ended up back with Andy, he cheated and messed around again, shipping her into his house then back out again when he had his next girl lined up and this kind of went on for a while.

Things then began to get serious, between them and it seemed finally Julie and Andy had settled down, though she still had doubts. It was during this time Julie and I parted company, I set off with Abi and she with Andy, we lost touch.

Andy eventually persuaded Julie to marry him, her parents came over from Spain and they had their big day. Julie’s mum leant Andy a rather large sum of money to clear off debts and start married life fresh.

On the surface all was well, but behind closed doors lay a different story, the fairy tale itself was in fact a nightmare in disguise.

You see all this time, Andy had been leading a double life, he had himself another women on the go, another secret mobile phone, another world that Julie knew nothing about.

Andy is the type of person that plays games, I am sure in his own way he doesnt see it like that, but that’s the fact, he lives in his own little world where everything he does is ok, and when it is not he simply modifies his thought process and becomes the victim…poor Andy.

Over time he was wearing Julie down, playing with her mind, telling her black was red, and red was green, when you are close to someone and you love someone, when you hold on to a dream, you really don’t want to see the cracks, you really don’t want to accept that its wrong.

Andy was in short brain washing her, the signs she noticed indicating something was not right, he twisted and turned, made out she was imaging things, convinced her and her family that Julie was in fact the problem and not him.

He took away her support systemically stripping pillars from her life, forcing his way deeper and deeper into her mind. He never liked me nor I him, thinking about it now, part of that would have been the danger that I pose as someone in her world that he can not control, someone who could say and often did Woooow that’s wrong.

In fact Julies life became what Andy wanted and she started to question herself, and when signs of the real Andy showed she was left with no place to turn, in effect she was trapped in his surreal fairy tale.

Julie is an intelligent girl, not only is she good-looking, but she is a nice person, not one of these paper princess that are great to bed, but of little substance, in fact she often gets confused for one of these types of girls by guys, who tend to be shocked to find she can and does bite if provoked!

She hired a PI who followed Andy and things began to unfold fast.

Andy was indeed living a double life, he had another women on the go, who was also present at the wedding, he had a secret phone and finished work at 3 telling Julie he finished a 6 often doing over time.

There was a whole other Andy she knew little about.

She gathered the evidence, since by this point even if she had of gone to someone, no one would have believed her and confronted him…..as rats always do when trapped in a corner he bit.

Julie ended up taking an over dose and in hospital, Andy of course came to the hospital with no remorse still angry that she has found him out, the victim in his own mind. I mean how dare she have him followed? poking into his secret world? How bad is that? Poor Andy!

He listened as she told the psychiatrist everything getting angry.

Julie wasnt allowed to leave the hospital alone, her parents were in Spain and so she ended up going back to Andys parents house.

Laid in bed he came to her, even then with poison on his breath telling her that he loved her but could not be with her, she had mental issues and he had heard everything she said at the hospital, she was in fact insane.

Thats the bit that gets me the most, even then after pushing her to deaths door he still goes back and makes another play….trying to force her hand once more.

The girl is a mess, her parents are a lot of money down and Andy walks around still playing the victim in his mind and to the outside world.

Through all of this I wasnt present, I really should have made more effort.

As I sit and contemplate my life, worry about my friend over and over in my mind I keep asking myself am I as bad as him, I have always been a mask, my whole life has been spent running, sitting on a bus watching the world pass me by thinking I really should get of and start living, but it never really seems the right time.

When my world gets shit, I just packed up and moved away changing one mask for another, I often think that sometimes I am so lost that I don’t even know who I am anymore, I would never deliberately set out to hurt someone, yet somehow I often do.

I let Abi go because I was no good for her, holding her back and eventually I would simply of drained her and hurt her.

I think there is something that I need to accept with in me, to finally be free from this curse and to live.

I am just not sure that I am strong enough to do it.

~ by Duma Key on March 13, 2012.