Its Not OK………….Its really not OK…………….!

And it’s not ok, I was going to leave this blog on another empty post, words that say much but in reality say nothing, then I stopped by an online friends blog, to catch up, some thinking time and it stuck me the honesty of her words, the truth of her life and I realised that it’s not enough, empty words, empty thoughts and I really need to cut deeper, find the reality of me.

It’s raining and I am driving, the rain is banging on my windscreen, the world outside like my thoughts is one long blur of mixed up colours, mixed up emotion, forgotten dreams washing down drains congregating in puddles, filling with mud, washed up excrement from the streets of this shitty little life we lead.

Gangster rap blasting from my stereo, trying in vain to overpower my thoughts…..anything to make this stop, switch of my mind, and I know deep down that’s it’s not ok…’s far from ok, I am not ok.

Slowing down I slip into a lay by, I need to wipe the tears from my eyes consolidate my thoughts and convince myself that it’s all ok and that really I am happy…..but I am not.

As the rain pours down from darkened skies I find myself slipping over to the glove box, reaching in wrapping my fingers round the base of my gun comforted by its power, safe in the knowledge that it’s there and suddenly the blackness in my mind begins to clear and for one moment I have the solution with in my grasp and I know at that point in time I can do it…I can really do it….slip away with ease, without fuss, lay rest to this endless torment that is my mind….this endless battle with myself and finally find the peace that I am looking for.

And I know it’s not ok, but I can’t face it I can’t face another endless day like this, another empty night wandering lost alone in this wilderness….there are so many things that are not ok.

The moment passes and I release my grip, close up the glove box…..shy away…..but still the knowledge that I could have actually done it hangs in the air and strange kind of adrenaline runs through my veins, and I sit awhile, in that lay by, in my car…out in the pouring rain where no one can see me….no one can know me.

It’s so so not OK……………………………………….!

Later that day, I am a different person smile upon my face…….from looking at me you would never have known where I was that morning, what I was thinking what I was planning…..but still that feeling like electricity hangs in the air…..that adrenaline running through my veins…….I know behind the empty smiles, and broken words that I could have done it….how different things would now be.

I know it’s not ok, I am not ok….I need to face this but for the first time in my life I am afraid…..and I am afraid of me………..

~ by Duma Key on February 26, 2012.

One Response to “Its Not OK………….Its really not OK…………….!”

  1. *hug*

    Nice to see you changed your mind D – it would suck to lose another friend.

    Stick around for a while? (I would really like that – we have things we should learn about each other)


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