Words and a film.

Watching a film this evening, a rare night of doing very little and chilling with an old friend, a line from it has stuck with me throughout the evening and refuses to budge from my brain.

“Lots of people talk about changing there lives, so very few ever do it, instead they watch each day passing by talking about change…….. I am going to change my life……”

I guess its stuck with me, because I have been thinking so many things of late, looking for some answers I guess, a way to stop running and start living.

I think for the whole of my life, I have almost felt like a passenger on a bus, looking through the eyes of another at a world passing by never quite fitting in, never quite the right stop for me to get off. Its like I have been waiting for my life to begin, some kind of real world, yet I have never ventured off that bus, never stepped out in to the light.

I look at other people, I see them come and go, build lives like ants, become whole and complete, yet I sit like a shadow in the dark, always on the outside, looking in.

May be it was my childhood, may be my teen year’s or uni years, or the wild days when I just stopped giving a fuck and did what ever I liked, however I dress it up, I have been drifting, coasting along, changing the mask for a mask of the day, never being me. I am what or who the situation that I am in desires me to be…..I will say the words you have been needing to hear, but not the words that fill me mind, I smile in all the right places, tick all the right box’s, on the outside all seems as it should be on the inside I am burning alive.

I came back to the place I began, always had a dream of coming back with it all, showing that world that I made it and made it alone…..I think I have always been alone…..but I came back with nothing as once they said I would. I smiled once more, changed mask for mask, but still missed the point.

I am not me, I am not living a life but living a lie…….something has to change, but I am so lost now in me, that I do not even know the person who I am, when I look in the mirror, I see a stranger staring back at me. I batter on about this constant battle between image and self…..yet I am just image.

I look at my little brother, I see all of who he is…..and I am afraid because I can’t be that strong….stand me in a fight and I will win, cross me and I will search you out…..I once mixed fear with respect….traded a life of childhood violence for one of adulthood craziness, dressed it all up wrapped it in pretty paper and put it under the Xmas tree, justifying myself to myself.

My sisters recently had a baby, I have seen a handful of times, I tell her I am to busy, renege on family commitments…..but the reality is I am a stranger to them, I sit on the outside looking in…he is better of not knowing me.

I am so lost and so alone, that I don’t even want to be by myself anymore, trading reality for alcohol, drug what ever I can to shut out this world…..and once more I am running….not from the past but from me………

I am going to change my life……I am going to become me……I am getting off that bus at the very next stop….and I would like to say I am happy…..but I am not…..I am more afraid than I have ever been in my life……I dont even know if I am strong enough, but I would rather die than fade away.

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~ by Duma Key on December 15, 2011.

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