Saturday Thoughts

Been a while since I posted last, I guess I have kind of taken myself away searching for answers.

I am starting to see things differently now, starting to see the world a different way and beginning to wonder now what it is exactly that I want from life.

Training now harder than ever at the gym, I am enjoying the feeling of being pumped and hard and the buzz I get after a heavy work out, that constant body ache.

It’s not only though my body that I am pushing, it’s also my mind, I am slowly finding ways to let go of her, to let the anger slip and the hurt fade, I am finding that I am becoming less and less bothered, and that my eyes now start to notice others so I guess I am letting going.

I can see now, how much of a fool I was papering over the cracks, ignoring the signs and hoping for a dream that could never come true, love makes you blind…..I never really understood that……till now.

I compare what I thought, with the reality of the person and its so much adrift, I guess I wanted to believe in a dream, that I never accepted she was not the one, in fact she is nothing more than a tramp, that drifts from one bed to another, hiding behind a claim to liking “the bad boys”………aka common street thugs……I feel sad for what could have been, but was never meant to be.

As for me, we keep in touch now, talk a little, but mainly I make the effort now for the children, it would be wrong to say that I do not hold a feeling towards her, but its less of a burn and more of a dull thud, every now and again a memory rises and it burns, but I think that is more the injustice of the way she acted.

For me change is coming, I feel my body changing as I work out more in the gym, I see my outlook changing and I guess I have finally stopped running.

In a strange kind of way, I am developing a kind of spiritual healing, I find more and more this overwhelming presence that enters my mind, a sense of calm, of peace that I have never known, a place I find myself turning to more and more, its like conversations with no answer, but the answer is there. A reality with in a reality that lives in a dream……and I wonder if all of this wandering, all of this pain, all of the events…..was simply to change me, to lead me here.

I am no longer who I was, nor who I am, but simply a shape from yesterday, that evolves into today, to live in tomorrow.

Advertisements

~ by Duma Key on October 1, 2011.

2 Responses to “Saturday Thoughts”

  1. I have been worried for you – I am relieved to see that you have posted (you have no idea how much)

    I am relieved that you are still trying, still working, still becoming you – that you have not given in nor yet have given up (although I understand just how much you have already given up, how it changed you – how it hurt…and I am sorry you ever had to feel it or fight it or accept any of it)

    *hug*

    I am glad that you are alive.

    L.

  2. Ditto L’s response. I would like to add, that forgiveness helps us to heal. Work on forgiving not only her, but also yourself for allowing yourselft to mistreat yourself by believing that she could bring you happiness that only you can bring yourself by loving yourself. When we love ourselves, we draw to our being those who are more loving and we, inturn are able to love them in more loving ways too. So practice forgiving and loving yourself, and that love will manifest all sorts of loving relationships into your life.

    Peace, Light and Love. Stay fit, physically, emotionally and mentally.

    In solidarity,
    C

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: