Strange thoughts

I am not to well equipped to deal with this “emotion” thing having spent most of my life avoiding it…..to me love was a black eye, or broken bone, a harsh word or lonely night. Over the years you learn to adapt, keep people at bay, second guess there intentions so much so that even a genuine offer, leads to a rejection on the basis that no one does anything for free.

So its difficult trying to deal with this rather abnormal situation I find myself in. We all say the words….I have used them a thousand times to get the girl into my bed, and while interest held to keep her there, but I never really felt it.

So then why do I feel so strong for a girl who cheated, lied and played a very dangerous game? Why do I feel so bad, even though I did nothing wrong apart from care for her, and her children. Why am I sat willing her to text, or call, e-mail….anything just to know she cares?

Its crazy, it’s not even like this was real, and I thought I was immune…..she got with me to get her Ex back….its that simple…..once hooked she pulled him in and pushed me out….only to find that he had a wedding planned all along.

I spent a lot of time with her and the children, I never thought I could do children….always scared that my violent childhood, and crazy past will spill through in anger and I would ruin another life….and I know I have no right to do that….so children for me were never an option. Yet the time I spent, I saw them laugh and play, upset and hurt…..and was always them I thought of first, even when anger bit, I knew I could never stand to hurt them.

After it all I should hate her……she’s gone nuts because I know it all, says I read her e-mail….which I never did, I just stood and saw, often I see much yet say little….thats just a front really a very public way to kill us off…and keep the blame from her.

I know I should say this to her, tell her all along I saw her game, her lies and cut her down….yet no matter how mad I get…I just can’t stand to hurt her, and that’s killing me.

She took me of facebook then the kids and blocked me like I was nothing……and that hurt……that cut so bad. I know she is bad for me….yet still I seem to long and yearn.

The things I found out came a little later, we fell apart while she played her game, got hurt by him and still I came back…..then again she plays and casts me of…!

Sunday I took the kids to church…..she “I do not want you in my house and I do not want to talk to you, but if you want to see the kids you can take them to church”…..I should be mad at this….I was not the one that lied, nor cheated….nor took another’s feelings ripped them out and slashed them down…with no regard at all. Yet I said nothing and stole the time I had to see her kids.

Today I took them Ice Skating then out for dinner, we shot some pool and had some fun….I dropped them of…..not even a thank you text. Still I should be mad….for the way she plays….and what do I do…..send an e-mail thanking her for allowing me the time with the kids.

No matter how mad I get…over and over I just could never stand to hurt her.

It kind of reads from here, that I am this like good person….But I am far from that……I have played the game and wrote the rules…..I am broken….but accept this.

She will never know how I found out what I knew….because once more I could never stand to hurt her……she wont know how me and the Boys waited for “His” friend……how we grabbed him from the street and took him to a place we use, where many fear to go….she will never know how I explained what happens when people fail to tell me what I want to know….O yes I am a bad person….dark as dark…..I run most of the doors around here now. My black Rav pulls up outside you know someone will get hurt.

Though I have rules…..we dont do drugs…our clubs and bars are clean….and we never touch the “Normals” only those who choose to cross our paths….or play our game.

You may find it strange….that someone like me….goes to church…..beleives in a “God”….yet somehow over this passing year more and more I feel his presence in my life…..its kind of weird to talk about…..like slowly I feel this need with in growing and more and more of late…I have been in some mental dialogue with this God…I find myself asking for guidance, advice and that strange kind of warm feeling I get when I know there is something I need to see or hear.

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~ by Duma Key on August 17, 2011.

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