The Last Year – Part 5

So finally I was beginning to develop some kind of normality, yet simultaneously overlooking the cracks, ignoring what was right before my eyes. I was holding on to the ideal and letting go of the reality.

In fairness the ideal worked well to a certain extent, I got on well with her family, we were a very public image and in the main we got on well, though that was often through me biting my tongue and biding my time, as long as I fetched and carried it worked, but behind the image always lays the reality.

From the day that she and I met, there was always another, this time though not on my part. The reason she messaged me on Facebook that night, was because her former lover had been cheating, she had discovered and it was “over”……But it was far from over.

Throughout the duration of this “relationship” he was an ever present factor, living up the road, I was invited to her house so he would see my car, see us. Then the text messages over and over, sometimes it was like I wasn’t even there while the conversation went on, progressing then to MSN messenger and later phone calls, my presence only ever really acknowledged when something was needed, like she wanted a drink or the kids needed feeding.

You may now ask why I just let this slip, I ask myself over and over, but the truth is that I was trying to hold on, hold on to a dream that can never come true. I saw alright, but I kept my eyes shut.

I knew when we sat around her church friends for Sunday lunch, chatting and acting, that it was just that, an act, I was easy. She could never bring the ex to this situation or live this life, he being the local drug dealer, nice environment for your children. I knew all the time behind that sweet angelic smile, that image of purity ran a rot so deep and dark, it rivalled even me.

The youngest child, her Dad is in prison for attempted murder, mugged an old man for £10, was addicted to drugs and always in trouble, a kind of childlike street gangster going nowhere, there has been many visitors to her door and her bed, search the internet, her profile is on most dating sites, relationships she had in the past she has played away whilst maintaining the image of purity…I digress slightly and some of this I discovered later on.

To return to where I was, the more I did the more she took, yet all the time playing this game with the ex. I saw what she was doing and how we worked to suit the image, but I was not what she wanted, she needed excitement of this kind of low level street world, where drugs and violence prevail, whilst at the same time the security and stability that I offered, so she took what she wanted and gave nothing in return.

As time progressed her game plan grew, she pushed and pushed for me to end things, it was easier for her this way, to say to church friends and family that it was me that walked and keep face. She played a game, but when stupid people play games with clever people it never works, I was already one step ahead for even though I closed my eyes, I still saw. I wasn’t going to make it easy.

Evenings got earlier and earlier from 9 to 8, to 7 then to 6pm, sending me to settle the children so she could stay up late on MSN and cam with him.

Things progressed like this a while, constant text messages through the day, finding reasons for me to take the children out leaving her time and space, phone calls with in ear shot day by day, yet at the same time she was pushing for things from me. A text message from a friend was an issue, a comment on my Facebook from a girl was an issue. Introducing the children to my family, organising meals with church friends, saying one thing doing another.

It went on like this through Christmas and new year and that awful week we went away, where no signal on her mobile meant she could not talk to him and as a result spent the whole weekend making my life difficult, so much so that I had resolved by this point to walk….yet when we got back it changed again.

There was other things she did, tried to convince people that I was gay, even making comments in front of me, a ploy to keep her ex happy with me being around.

So it went on like this, till February under some false guise, she MSN messaged me to tell me “things are not working out, that I never smile, and she needs some space” Not even a call, or a text a simple MSN message, freeing her up to go to him.

This space was short lived though, when the kids needed something, or the shopping needed doing, it was me she called. We even sat and had Sunday lunch with church friends again pretending all was well, all the time I knew.

I asked her during the MSN 4 sentence conversation, what was going on, though I already knew, and she lied, saying nothing.

So we entered a new phase, I was dropped to carry on doing what I was doing for her and the children while she played and did as she pleased, with no real regard for my thoughts or feelings.

In fact I recall one day, being sent to the shop with the kids and him being in front of me in the queue, I could feel the mist rising and came so close to hurting him it was untrue, the only thing that held me back was the youngest child’s hand in my hand, and I knew I could never expose her to this, to me.

A few days later she sat and said to me, “he doesn’t think you like him much, you always make him scared when he sees you or passes you” almost like rubbing salt in the wound….I let it slip, for I also had a secret, something more I knew than she.

For the whole time she was playing me, he was playing her, in fact planning a wedding with another and I knew in time this would surface.

For me, I was mentally in a place I had never been before, I guess I had almost tasted a level of normality, a part of life I had never seen and was trying in vain to hold on, and somehow for the first time I was actually feeling a kind of bitter hurt, a driving pain inside


~ by Duma Key on July 12, 2011.

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