The Game……

And so the game went on, this ideal between image and reality, on the one hand I was faced with the situation as was for me, on the other I knew the fall would come and even though the games were played, I would have done anything to stop that hurt.

Of course as these things go, the whole reality unfolded.

I paint myself somewhat here in a glowing light, but I am far from that, you see as things unfolded I needed to keep a balance so I started something with another, although on the technical side of things I was single it still didn’t stop me feeling a kind of guilt, I had never felt before, may be it was simply because it was just sex and somehow I wanted more, something about me had changed.

The sex was good, hot and dirty, we didn’t talk much, or do much other than in bed, where we stayed awake most of the night and long in to the morning, but still it wasn’t enough and I felt this guilt, this heavy weighing thought upon my mind, no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t shake this.

I knew everything the first did was wrong and that in her terms what I was doing was ok, yet I knew she wouldn’t have liked this idea, while still pretending that nothing was happening with the Ex, I got a sharp and harsh text message when she thought I was doing something else, which of course I was and I managed to side step it, so that to this day she has no idea, that while she played so too did I.

Things with the other were just supposed to be simple, straight sex, no emotion, no feeling, just the gratification of a physical need but oft as these things do, it got complicated and she began to develop feelings. I really should have run with this, as the sex was good, in fact not just good but really good, yet I still felt this tie to the first and this guilt, even though I had done everything right. I found myself running back to the first, despite the lies and the games. I found myself listening to her cry as she told me what I already knew about the marriage, I bit my tongue when she made the whole thing look like something it wasn’t and tried to cover her tracks.

I battled constantly in my mind with the idea that it was so easy to push me away, to lie and twist the situation and yet I guess I actually cared, and I fought long and hard with myself to stay away from him, for I have secrets that run far deeper, far darker locked away with in my past.

I ended things with the other, who incidentally met a friend of mine, a good guy and is happy, a happiness I could never have given her, though for her the sex isn’t as good and so I visit from time to time, ok may be 3 or 4 nights a week and we continue with our late night adventures without fear of hurt or emotional tie.

As for the first, we have fallen into this strange kind of paradox, one drunken night I told her part of what I know, though not all, she of course denied it, though I have seen the pictures and another friend filled me in on the blanks. Now it’s a kind of subject that lingers but is lost. It’s now like we are together, but we are not, I find myself with all the worries of a relationship and the parental responsibility with none of the fun.

She has the stability, and we have an act, but she goes off in search of men, I guess she will always be the same.

I know at some point this will have to end, and that I need to walk away, she gains much and I gain little, apart from some kind of semi form of normality.

I find myself thinking if I could combine the two, sex with the other and relationship with the first, I may have the key to some ideal, but I know it won’t happen and I still struggle with the game and the lies the first told, I guess she wasn’t who I thought she was, it’s rare that I get it wrong.

Every day now I get up, go around to her’s we carry on as before, and I know that one day her need for me will end as another forms on the horizon and I know I guess that once more it will cut deep when that happens.

As for the dealer the sham of a marriage goes on and I have already set in motion actions that will ease my mind for one day soon that knock will come and the danger inside me will be waiting, while he played I fished until I had all the information I needed, when you play in the world of my past, it’s always wise to know who you play with and just what they can do.

So in short that brings you up to speed on where I have been this last year I hope I have not bored you too much and aim to be more active on here, I had forgotten, like my words, just how much this kind of means.


~ by Duma Key on July 12, 2011.

One Response to “The Game……”

  1. Wow! That’s a lot of drama in your life ! I really don’t understand what’s going on, so I guess I need to read more of the stuff you’ve written here.

    Offhand though, ( and this is just my 2 cents worh ), I think you need to look for a woman who wants to be wooed the old-fashioned way,,, well, not the turn of the century way, of course,,,, I don’t really know how to express this without sounding like a goody 2 shoes, * grins* Alright, a woman who doesn’t carry any baggage, who can give you her heart and soul and who can commit herself to you without any restrictions. There are thousands of these women just waiting to be loved, you only have to look closely, they are all around you. Maybe I’m just naive, and don’t know the ways of the world. (*~*)


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