The Last Year Part 4

Time moved on and I began to settle into my new job, began to follow up old friendships and rediscover me, still the shadows from yesterday hung limp in the air, just out of sight but always there.

At last I had a job, but still far from finding myself, far from being me and through the years that I had been away my brothers and sisters had grown closer and I once the eldest and the key pin was now like the outsider looking in a stranger in a strange world.

Things between the light and I began to drift, though I admit this was more my fault as I began to pull away, I knew deep inside that her light was to pure and the blackness of me would eventually consume her and extinguish that light, instead of so often as I do holding out for what I want, I let her slip, knowing it was for the best.

For me I let myself slide into my world once more, drink, parties and wild random sex, meaningless encounters in a meaningless world, it didn’t matter who or where, it just fulfilled a need, empty words and promises flowed like the vodka, anything to get them in my bed…..always a promise of a call that would never happen, different girls different nights, it mattered not as I prowled the bars. Cutting myself from emotion once more, detaching myself from any form of contact that meant anything more than just the gratification of a physical need. This is who I am a nothing, a shadow, a blackness. I guess in a way I was seeking the love I never had, or never knew.

Then one night, sat watch TV I had my laptop open and a beer on the go, a flame from the past messaged me out of the blue, a girl that once when I lived here long ago, I used to date, we talked exchanged numbers and met for dinner, yet never had sex. We met again and again, she was far from my usual type, I go for the slim girl with the look in her eyes, it’s always the eyes, she has 3 children, I avoid children like the plague, yet over and over we kept meeting, till I found more and more we were together and suddenly I was becoming involved in a family life, I was actually starting to enjoy the feeling, finally I was becoming a part of something, may be that one thing I had been seeking for years, that form of acceptance that purpose and definition, I had found.

I see you choke there upon your Vodka Mr Blog, sip it slow and do not worry the story unfolds in the usual way, have patience and indulge me a while, grab another bottle form the side while I slip out for a smoke.

I have always avoided any form of serious commitment, a girl with child is a no go zone except for casual encounters. I have never thought about children simply because of the horrors from my own childhood years, and the wildness of my temper, that burning anger inside, I could never risk bring child into the world and messing it up like my own “parents” did to me….it’s never the actions of today that are the problem it’s the memory that ticks like a bomb in the mind always waiting to go off, always waiting to explode, I know having carried this tumour inside for many years. Children have always been a no go zone.

But as time slipped and I became more and more involved with the children (another reason for my prolonged absence from my blog), I started to wonder…..and may be just may be a child would be something that I seek.

Time unfolded and I found myself attending parents evenings, worrying about the kids, doing things with the kids, sorting the house….attending church…..yes Mr Blog attending Church…..please do not look at me in that way……I guess I had finally lost the plot….!

I digress and so I was becoming what I had always wanted a normal, fitting in doing things that normal people did, developing a world, where suddenly I was understanding it was no longer my needs but the needs of the children, seeing that there was nothing I wouldn’t do to see them happy, make things right and keep them safe, I was also seeing that despite my own fear, there was no way I could ever hurt those kids.

Ironically I began to break my own rules and feel pure emotion, pure bond, I found myself seeking her everywhere I went, I was no longer looking at other girls, thinking I want to bed them, I no longer wanted the casual one night sex, just them and this kind of normality that I had found.

Finally I thought I had found a place to begin…….

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~ by Duma Key on July 8, 2011.

4 Responses to “The Last Year Part 4”

  1. I hope you have finally found true happiness, not that fleeting feeling that you get from uncommitted relationships.

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