Returning back to where I came

Words like the days of my life are missing, empty pages of unfinished blog posts, broken promises of a tomorrow that will never come, every day I set out with the intention of starting a new, starting to live and every day I fail, I lack purpose and definition, it’s hard for a flower to bloom when its grown only in darkness, without love, care attention, without light food or water.

So many days of late have I said, this will change that will change, I will no longer be like this, and yet nothing changes, I still wander on empty pointless and lost, in a world full of definition, I have no meaning, I am like the word in the dictionary that has no meaning and no real and rightful place there.

It’s not that I don’t want to change, it’s not that I don’t want to be, it’s just that I don’t seem to be able to, like my blog posts, I set out with every intention and I really mean at the time and place to actually write a post, but the words don’t come and the screen lays blank, I must make more effort. I mean I even downloaded the wordpress app to my iPhone to make more posts, to keep updated and still I fail, like I fail in everything else.

Today I start a new page, this time I must try, this time I must unscrew the mess and try to figure the way forwards.

The last year, I know my posts have been slow, rare and a little all over the place, I have a box full of drafts, of empty promises and half-finished dreams, and I thank those of you who have come by and read my posts, and those who have taken the time to comment, leave there thought prints.

I am going to try to write now a post each day, to take from each post a message forwards for that day and begin to untangle the mess that I have got myself into.

Dear Blog old friend, I have missed you and I know I have been an awful friend, please forgive me and pull up a chair join me for a drink as I begin to fill you in on the events of the last year, in a hope to regain my muse, my thoughts and my words.

It’s been interesting times, though much of which have passed with in a haze, one day becoming another and nothing really getting done.

I have ended up back in my home town, the one place I spent my whole life running from, ironically I now find myself back in, so much has changed these once familiar streets, these once well know places have all become so strange to me, yet still within the new I see the shadows of yesterday, the echoes and ghosts of the past…..and I wonder just how far away I have come from that messed up kid that left here years ago.

It’s ironic now, how I left here, full of hopes and dreams, full of a determination to achieve something, and yet I return no further forward and in more of a mess than when I left.

Things have changed but the core and the rot with in is deep, and I sometimes fear that I will never escape, for years I have tried to run and it’s got me nowhere.

Before my return here, to my home town, I was struggling to find work and make any kind of money, well not legal money, I had got myself completely lost and as much as I tried I could not get things sorted, so I drank what money I could get, shut out the outside world and sat and planned night after night how to end it all, much of this time still remains a black haze in my mind, somehow my little brother, who was not so little anymore, just turned up one day and took me away, I guess if it hadn’t been for him, I would not be here now.

I have always been strong, even when great lady depression comes to stay, I can kiss her poison lips and still be strong, so much of this is hard for me to write, needless to say I sank to an all-time low and crawled with in a pit of blackness that even now I wonder just how I managed to hold onto what little sanity I had.

So here I found myself, back in my home town, back with the family I had escaped from years and years ago, a far cry from what I imagined, I always saw myself going back a full on success, everything in place and being able to say, look at what I have become, a far cry from the nothing you told me I was, though in reality it would only ever have been image. Instead I found myself coming back a failure, from nothing I came to nothing I returned.

Once more back in my home town, surrounded by the echoes from my childhood, I needed to find myself again and get work.

I don’t know if any of you have ever been out of work, for me who all my life I have worked this was hard, and trying to find work, endless pointless applications, clinging at anything just to get a job, failed applications, failed interviews each and every time telling myself this is the one, going through demoralising and degrading screening process for jobs that two years ago I would never even have considered looking at, anything to get work. It’s awful and it’s hard to stay focused and driven, fill up the empty days, when rejection is endless, it was harder still for me, ending back up in my “childhood home” a failure, a nothing once more.

Days became weeks, weeks became months and time kept ticking, the light, the girl I was seeing drifted further and further away, or maybe I pushed her further and further away and we became lost, it was only a matter of time………….!

Eventually two job offers presented themselves and at last I had work……….

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~ by Duma Key on July 7, 2011.

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